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Lately, I've been thinking a lot 'bout how I've changed in the past few year, and even though life's been pretty crappy so far, I think I've progressed pretty well. Although I'm definitely not the best possible version of myself, I've realized that through all the shit, I'm really getting there.
But what I've really been thinking about was my first... "relationship", I suppose. It happened two years ago, but it feels like forever. Whenever I thought of that moment, I always questioned myself, asking myself why I'd ever date such a jerk. Why I'd ever date someone who could care less about me. Why I was the victim. And after two years of thinking, I've finally come to a conclusion.
I was scared.
I remembered holding my phone, rereading every last part of the conversation this boy and I had. It was Halloween, I remember that. I was just going over to a friend's house for a party. I remember feeling a rush of excitement as I got another text from him, and then, most of all, I remember reading those words.
It was a confession. Pretty cowardly way to confess if you ask me - especially since he goes to my school. But of course, I was pretty dumb, and pretty damn naive. Yet, before I responded, something in my gut stopped me. I can't explain it very well, but it's like a heavy blanket that tightens around your heart, squeezing it in a strange way that makes you feel as though you're about to do something wrong. Now, let me just say, I never really liked this guy. I barely talked to him. I mean, I guess he was kinda cute and pretty cool, but other than that, I didn't think much of him. The logical route would have been to reject him, right? Tell him he's okay, but I don't feel the same way, right? Well, no. That's not what happened, because I remember, so very, very clearly, that all I could think about was how I was going to waste a happy moment of my life, a potential happy ending, a potential partner who might fill in the hole that my dad left in me; someone who I could share a happy ending with. Yeah, I know. I was really young to even be considering these types of things, but remember: I was dumb and naive. So I did the smartest thing a person could ever do, and I told him that I liked him back.
As if I hadn't thrown myself into a pit already, I decided to dig my grave even deeper. Because the thing he texted me right after that was: "I love you so much." This immediately made me feel uncomfortable, and even a little violated. I never thought of him that way, and my gut was telling me to tell him to buzz off. But I didn't. I fed his ego and I told him I loved him back, even when I didn't. And you know what? It gets worse.
As this continued, I began to convince myself I loved him. I began to think that we were meant for each other. It's so weird, but it's so true. I think it's because in some strange way, he made me feel nice. Pretty, even. Maybe worth something. Or maybe I felt bad and I never realized it. But he made me feel pretty, and that's what fueled my ego. He made me feel nice, and when he put his arm around me, he made me feel great. Amazing. Like I was being protected - yet, at the same time, I felt uncomfortable, guilty, un-confident and ugly. It was the strangest thing I've felt for six months.
But it only got stranger after we had our first kiss. I'd never kissed anyone before, so I... I didn't know what to do. He just came up to me and asked when we were gonna kiss. I kept telling him we just got together and there was no rush, it just had to happen. But he kept coming and coming, and asking when I'd kiss him. I told him no every time, but eventually, eventually I just forced myself to. And it was horrible. Let me tell you, having a tongue clog up your throat is the worst feeling ever.
But it didn't stop there. He wanted to make out everyday. And of course, I said no. And then the cycle repeated. Everyday. Some days they felt good. Other times they were a chore. Most of the time they were horrible. But I couldn't stop, because I thought I "loved" him. I thought I knew what love was. I thought he "loved" me. I thought this was going to be okay.
At this point, the lovey dovey stuff didn't happen as much. Pet names stopped, compliments were rare, him putting his arm around me was rare. He only ever complimented me when he wanted something, and of course, I let him have it. And it was even funnier, because he was flirting with other girls at the same time - and I was totally in denial of it. The only place I drew the line was when he asked for nudes - and you want to know something else? 1) I almost did send him nudes, and 2) We still stayed together.
My best friend at the time told me how unhealthy this was. I didn't listen to her. I didn't listen to anyone. But eventually, she convinced me to fight back.
And boy oh boy, did that backfire. First day, he told me I was being rude and weird. Second day, he was pissed off. Third day, he accused me of not loving him anymore.
And the cycle repeated.
The only good thing that came out of this shit was one of his friends. That friend of his.. a good listener. I'd talk and play video games with him often, and we'd screw around with each other, and... it was nice. Of course, that friend of his developed feelings for me. And of course, my boyfriend got mad, and told me that I couldn't talk to him anymore.
And of course, I let him have his way. I never talked to his friend the same way again.
Then he told me that my best friend was trying to break us apart. I believed him.
And the cycle repeated.
We stayed together for another two months until I finally realized what I was doing to myself.
By the time we broke up, I had already lost my best friend, the guys in my class thought of me as a whore and as a cheater. My ex spread a rumor that I cheated on him with his friend, and that I played him. Honestly...
Next year, though, out of the little good karma I had stored, my ex left the school and never came back. Now, two full years later, I look back on this and in some strange way, I smile at it. It's comforting to know that I've straightened myself out; nice to know that I know I'll stand my ground when I say no next time. Nice to know that I'll never have to see him again. I haven't dated since then, but it's only because I feel like I needed to focus on becoming whole by myself and to truly love who I am. I'm really thankful for all the horrible things that boy caused me to do, and all the horrible things I did to myself. Because one day, when I love myself and when I find someone who truly loves me just as much, I'll know what it feels like to truly love someone else - I'll know what it really means to love happily.
Who am I some of you ask. True, I am a somewhat a private person but I wanted to share some things about myself in this new type of entry. Now what can I say about myself.. Yes, I've been through pretty hard and painful trials in my life my close friends know and some others as well. Thus like any human I have doubts and flaws still about my life and where I stand in it. I've never was always this positive or even optimistic towards life or as a person. I used to be very negative, and a pessimistic person who just was frustrated and angry at the world. But I have to say this year has been a big life changer for me and I changed my ways and wanted and choose to become different. ( maybe it was my own tough love, who knows ) It was very hard for me I wont lie and it was a a challenge as well. But I just got sick of all the negativity in my life plus being around negative types of people and just one day got so fed up with it I said no more and just like that left all that behind me, plus some people and just moved on. Now you may be asking: Why the sudden change and why not way before? My answer would be I felt so low of myself I had no confidence or will and to be honest felt like trash and not worth nothing, to no one. But I found the strength deep inside me with some help from the support of my family and some other people as well to push myself out of this self doubt and into the light of the good things in the world and just shut up and shape up. Not sure how else to describe it, It was just like tough love towards myself. I got so sick and tired of being walked on ( like a doormat ) and treated badly I just wanted to change who I was and not let those people or situations bring me down no more.
Trust, me it is still hard as heck most days for me and I still feel somewhat down about it. But I got to remember I'm human and we have all self doubt about things and worries. Plus we also make mistakes be we can learn from them and grow as a person and know next time to not keep repeating those same mistakes. So no I'm not perfect nor anyone is. But I've came a long way this year and making so much progress then ever before it's really hard to believe after pushing myself with some aid of others I came this far and a really changed person. What I'm about to say is hard for me and slightly I tend to keep to myself but I want others to know this so they can understand myself as a person and why I changed and now are not letting this bring me down no longer.
I got abused in a relationship and then mentally from a situation online when I was a young teen. ( that's all I'm going say since I was to keep it PG and not break any rules ) Thus plenty encounters with people online and in real life with so called "friends" who said they always be there for me and just leave after a while. Due to a lot of reasons some my own fault I wont lie and I admit. But a lot of there's to be honest and it's been hard for me ever since to find "good" types of people to be friend and have them stay in my life as I would do theirs and always be there for them. Since a real friend would never leave and be supportive through hard times and good times. But that's just me and my opinion about it. So I had a lot of falling outs and people just leaving me in the dark and alone since sometimes they maybe got sick of me and couldn't have the decency to communicate to me so maybe we could work it out or just give some space to each other then work it out later. But things happens and some for reasons. Maybe it just wasn't the best fit in the first place or they needed to focus on themselves more and couldn't be there for me. Which is understandable and I get and most of all respect, though they could of told me in the first place.. Though it is what it is. But I also found out I got played a lot by people as well. Finding out there fakes and lairs and just really negative people. So sometimes I had to make the hard choice to leave them since I was feeling down a lot and them making me feel low as them and they were the types who hurt others and just not care for nothing or no one. But sometimes I did try and stay to support them and try to help them but you can only help someone if they want to be help and changed I learned. So more or less I left for my won sake and well being.
I'm not perfect nor an angel and I always tried to do right by others and still do since I am myself and tell it how it is for my views or opinions about things. I've learned a lot from meeting all those types of people online and in real life and know what I like and don't like and most of all what I want and don't want from others. I truly wish all the best for everyone I really do and hope those stuck in the dark can find help and want to change since living like that is horrible since I lived somewhat like that myself and its not fun or even pleasant. I felt bad all the time and felt so low like I shouldn't even be here no more.. But I found out there is more to life and you just got to push through it and get back up on your feet and keep walking. Life will never be easy nor it's easy for anyone really and some do have it worse off than me or others and truly that's sad and hope that can change for them.. But I know if I can change so can anyone else. And if they want support and don't have it seek it out since people are out there even if it's only a few do care for you and want to help you. With out my family I would be surely lost as well and again maybe not even here today.. And I understand and know every family is different. True, my family does not know always to help me or understand my pain I go through sometimes but they try even if it's a little it's still better than nothing. I would encourage you to try and talk to your family about things going on in your life and if its getting hard for you I did it was the most hardest thing I ever done in my whole life. Thus then I found out I had mental health issues from speaking up and telling my family. I'm very glad I did and even if they don't get me all the time they still try and are there for me. I am seeking help as well so things in my life are truly getting much better for me.
No there is no shame for asking for help too please know that.. I felt like that at first but then realized it's ok and I want to get better and stop feeling this way since it's not a good life at all, most of all was tired of feeling that way. Thus I want to live life to the fullest even with a smile on my face. Nothing is every going me 100% easy for me nor anyone and still will have off days but I can say I'm doing much better than I was when I was younger and this year. I've been through hard
shitand if I can overcome it so can you. So if you see me around the forum being kind to you I truly mean it since I care for others a lot even though I have doubts at times since my trust is low still doesn't mean I don't care for you. Something I am working on though. But I am who I am now because of my past and I'm a much stronger person because of it. I'm just myself and rather be myself than something I'm not. I wanted to share this so people get to know who I am more as a person and maybe understand me better, as well. Please take care everyone and as always sending everyone good and positive vibes your way~
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