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  1. Mother nature seriously needs to get back on her bipolar meds because it's beginning to give me whiplash.

    First we get crazy snowstorms this year up until May and now we are dealing with mudslides, road buckling, power outages, severe flooding, fires starting all because of this severe heat wave (which is why we have been having storms all week thus, the mudslides and flooding). I'm honestly surprised more people have not died from this, especially the elderly. I'm also surprised I haven't been hospitalized this year as of yet because of this heat and high humidity. I can handle the cold quite well (I should be able to since I'm from WI) but as for the heat, I sadly cannot. No matter how much water I consume I just can't stay hydrated during the summer and normally I end up in the hospital because of it. I'm definitely not looking forward to this summer, ew. 

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    Recent Entries

    Well, this time I've done it to myself.  So while I am in between jobs (my choice--I feel like I was being driven out but it is just as well. I needed to focus on redirecting my career anyways and I was putting too much of my own self and energy into that job for no benefits, no promotions, and not even any gratitude from the ones who got promoted from my hard work) I have slowly but surely (even though I tried not to let myself do it) gone back to being a night owl.  You heard that right folks.  This cat is as nocturnal as it gets.  I guess that means I'm an outside kitteh...as my girls inside are snuggled up asleep on the couch with my husband right now.  It somewhat irritates me how he can fall asleep anytime...anywhere...


    So, while we decided to go out on the boat this morning (I say this morning because tomorrow is already here), and I tried...oh I tried to sleep...after a few hours of laying in bed tossing and turning and my wrist hurting and my toes tingling and me gasping for air I realized it...  Not only has my former job wrecked my health, but thinking a bit about it I gave myself a little panic attack.  No wonder I can't sleep.  I have been applying to certain jobs all across the state (I don't care if I don't live there...I'll rent a shack if I have to to change my career path) and honestly I've only had about a 3% bite rate on my applications.  So far, my first interview bombed....I interviewed three days after my last day on the job and was too burned out by my last job to do a good honest showing and I couldn't fake interest in the company (I didn't really want to work there, but the as needed work would have been nice on the side.  It took 2 months before I recovered enough from the burnout to have any energy and my old personality back).  My second interview was with a company completely and totally unrelated to my field.  Again, I was willing to do it...anything to get out of this spiral of misery one bad decision 6 years ago landed me in....didn't hear back.  My third chance came at a place I used to volunteer at.  I would've been a shoe-in for the position considering all the high level staff would've been behind me....they needed my current references to respond within 48 hours....one reference took 7 days...I obviously missed the interviews because of the lateness of my reference and they couldn't wait that long ...that was a harsh blow.  I have honestly harbored some resentment towards that reference ever since...  Then I've had a nibble here and there....  An overnight position is considering me (and I would love to work it!) but I'm also being highly considered for a specialty position elsewhere (and that specialty is so rare...yikes!  I want it and I'm terrified of it at the same time LOL).  Maybe after months things are finally coming together. 


    After all of this time sending out applications (and spending the last 6 years in self-study and training getting various credentials to make myself more marketable, differentiated, and ready to really push for that career change as the whirlpool sucked me in ever deeper) it seems to finally be looking up.  And that got me thinking about the last 4 to 6 years where my life was not on the right career path.  That one day where it all fell apart.  I applied for my dream job and waited six months before giving up and accepting a job elsewhere, doing not what I wanted, slanting my career in a path I didn't want to go in....and the very next day they called for an interview -_-* If only I had waited one more day to consider the offer (albeit, my life would have turned out very different if I had.  I doubt I would have this house for instance, my girls...who knows if I would have been any happier).  Darn brain keeps thinking of it and won't let me sleep.  ~sighs~  I'm going to be in for it when we're trolling.  Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to reel those mackeral in.  It got me thinking...why is starting up my own consultant agency so difficult?  I have part of the groundwork already laid...Others have gone there before me and done really well....  >_>  I need to push myself more....  Maybe just set aside time to do it...but then my Rep credentialing is taking forever and I've tried setting aside time to do it (if the study material for the exam wasn't written lightyears below my level...I am truly overqualified for that type of job, I would be able to force myself to read it faster)...  For all this free time I have right now, I guess I have a lot on my plate.


    And I still need to clean this house!  Why didn't I clean today!?  All these thoughts keep bombarding me....man once I'm on that boat with the sun searing my pale vampiric skin (I'm not joking...I wear 85 proof sunscreen and jeans and long sleeves year round.  The sun is my enemy!  ~hisses~ I blistered bad as a kid and continued to blister for years thereafter with as little as 20 minutes in the sun.  I learned my lesson for sure!  People think I'm a natural redhead because my skin is so pale....)  I think I might just fall asleep then...  I'm never going to live this down if I fall asleep on that boat.


    Anyways, thank you for listening.  Writing it out does help.  I just need to keep believing that things will fall into the right place at the right time *hopefully soon*  I think I need to forgive my reference too for not delivering in a timely manner too.  She is renovating her house after all.  I just wish she had told me it would be a while so I could have scrounged up another one...  ~sighs~  Lesson learned.


    Well, it is about time to completely give up on sleep and just force myself to stay awake.  Guess I'll clean house now...just can't vacuum until my husband wakes up. 

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    So basically, over the past few months I've been trying my best to open up - emotionally. For me, this is something that's really hard considering i haven't done this in years, as in when i was still in elementary school. Opening up for me is, well, it's very hard. I'm also trying to comfort others but, it's so hard for me. I don't know what it is but, I hate this feeling. Since it feels like Im just powerless and can't do jack shit. I don't know what to do either, I just, I want to be more emotional. It's a struggle for me but my girlfriend says that all I need is time, but I don't want this to be a long process. It's hard for me because she's the only one I can really trust with myself, everyone else I feel is just insensitive or doesn't give 2 shits about what I'm going on about. This is just me personally but i want to be better, I want to change. I don't know what I'm really doing here but I needed to let loose. Most future posts are also gonna serious topics. 

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    So what I am going to talk about in this blog I think we can all learn something from it. And I don’t really tell people this story but I thought why not as it might be useful for some people. Also this is my first blog so mind the grammar  


    My life up to midway through high school has just spiralled down to darkness. Yeah high school was very dark times for me. So how did I end up down there I will tell you now. I am not there now so relax  

    Firstly when I was about 8 I came to England with my family only because most of my Mumzy’s relatives were here also that I could experience better education. I left my country my dad left his parents there and I left my friends there. Of course over time my dad started to loose his temper because he felt bad leaving his parents. But the only reason they allowed us to go so I can get good grades. Yeah that was a lot of pressure I felt throughout my school life. Everyone had high hopes for me.

    During my primary school I was the smartest in the class so education didn’t concern me. What really concerned me was I started realising we don’t have much money. Everyone in my school had cool stuff and I felt left out as I didn’t have any. My parents used to say it’s waste of money but I had realised we were on a budget. Towards the end of primary school I realised we live in a council house my dad had troubles with Work and it was low paying. He couldn’t get a good job as they didn’t ‘want to’ accept his foreign degree. 

    We were pretty poor as our house was squat we didn’t have anything good and etc. This got worse when my Mumzy gave up on Work. There was a time when we were homeless for one day then were given a house.

    All this being poor being treated differently and the pressure of getting good grades is what made me switch to the dark side as I started to crave for money. Now I am in first year of high school. This high school was a bad place to be as they were bad people here. This is where I heard about making money through drug dealing. I manage to make friends but not the good ones. They were loyal but they also talk about gangs and drug deal but we were all still ignorant then. This made me peak my interest in gang culture. Overtime us friends started to get our hands on some drugs. Some of my friends were already dealing as they’re brothers was a big shot.

    It was year nine when my arrogance was at its peak. Before year nine my parents used to think I was a good boy as I did everything behind their backs. My dad still working hard so I have a comfortable life for good education. But In year nine I started living the thug life. Making Money, looking tough and fame was all I was. Bunking school so I can deal some drugs, smoking in schools field with some of my friends bringing thoes sort of things to school. And one day I went so far to bring a pocket knife to school (don’t ask why). I got caught with the knife and several other things like a vape and liquids and a roll up tobacco. My parents got called into school and this is where I started to realise the things I was doing was bad for me and my parents. In that meeting my Mumzy cried and my dad was dissapointed and upset. I could tell It was in my parents mind that what was my child doing all this time (as they did constantly ask me if I was okay). Also asking themselves How ignorant could we have been. This made me realise the actions I took had a big effect on my parents as they love me enough to give up their own well-being for mine  

    After that I stoped smoking and dealing and tried to get my grades up as they had fallen below 0. I still hanged out with some of my friends who didn’t smoke or deal but they still were very bad people as they liked to fight and do gang things but they we’re still loyal friends. I still acted like a thug but slowly I had started to mature. I started hanging out with my friends less and less because my uncle gave me soo much knowledge and wisdom I had grown soo mature. I started to see the world differently. 

    However, The event that completly changed me into a good warm person was in year 10. I was hanging out with my friends In the evening. We were walking in the highstreet and one of my friend saw a homeless guy just smiling at him. Forsome reason that smile of the homeless guy pissed my friend off so he went up to him and started to throw food at him then skittles and encourage the guy to fight him. All the homeless guy did was just smile whilst food and skittles were getting thrown at his face.

    I looked at that homeless man and realised how privileged I am. He looked like someone’s dad and he was homeless. This showed me people are in a worse situation then me. I can’t imagine to feel the amount of pain he feels and he shouldn’t get treated like this. I was once homeless for a day and didn’t feel good at all he is homeless for a long time. He is also all alone in the street side not bothering anyone he has nothing nobody he is nothing to the society and he’s just smiling after all that. His face gave a hint of peace something I was not in I have been soo irritated for all my life but I shouldnt have I shouldn’t have hated everything. He is homeless but he is in a better overall mood than me. He does not want to deal drugs make money do other very bad things to smile he is just smiling. 

    Then my mind had shifted and realised the homeless man was getting treated like an animal by my friend. Is this how we humans behave. Was I really friends with this parasite. That time so much anger and sadness was boiling up within me I just wanted to beat up my friend but i just resisted and just waited for him to leave so after that I sat down next to the homeless man. And we just talked and he was a very nice person. He had more knowledge of everything than me. His life story and his ideals made me cry a little. This also had shifted my perspective of the world dramatically. 

    After that I was always nice. Giving money to homeless and not in greed with money. I start saying money comes and goes. My dad got a very high paying job though some links and we got a new house. Life In general has improved soo much especially my dark side which, infact I didn’t got into much detail, to a nice person. This also had made me very social. I Made new friends But I don’t think I could ever make as loyal friends as those ones I had.  They have also changed a lot but still no to them as they still kind of get in trouble with minor things. 

    And now I am just trying to keep my parents happy as I have caused them soo much pain in the past. Acctualy everyday I tell my Mumzy sorry and how much i love her. This is because she showed the most sadness and me and my dad don’t talk much. 


    There was a lot of things I missed out. If this was useful or interesting to you then I might re write it with everything in it and making more sense. 

    And again sorry for the grammar because I was writing as I was thinking. Soo I don’t forget things. 

    And yeah this is a conclusion of part of my life. Now I am just living life to the fullest. 

  2. I've lost myself. 

    Maybe I haven't permanently lost myself, maybe it's for a while, maybe I'm just growing. Or maybe I'm stagnant and I've never really changed in the first place and I've just made an entire lie based around my growth, pretending that all the bad things I've done are nonexistent and that i got through them when I really didn't. Maybe I've always been that way for the past five years. I'd like to think that's not that case. That I made progress in some way, some shape, some sort of form that I just don't know yet. I don't think I have, though. I don't think I ever have. I think I'm the same scared little girl from all those years ago, the same girl waiting at the front of my house for a package every October. A package that never came. I still think I'm the same girl who let her first boyfriend use her over and over again, the same girl who severed her closest friendships for a boy who didn't matter. But the only thing that i think I'm not anymore, the only thing I no longer have in common with that girl is that I've finally lost every bit of my confidence. 

    I've never felt fully confident since I was... God, since... since sometime. I think around eight? Nine? It's hard to remember. I had a lot of spunk and I smiled a lot and I was openly kind and I don't think i gave a damn about what anyone thought. And when people tried bullying me or teasing me I'd tease 'em right back and snap at them. I didn't let anyone walk over me. I wasn't their doormat. 

    Things changed after third grade, of course. I learned of my parents' divorce and my dad's new family. It broke me and whatever and blah blah blah who cares. I never stood up for myself, even after the last phone call. Sure, i asked him why it had to be this way and why he didn't love me anymore and who-gives-a-shit-what-else-I-said, but I never told him to fuck off or whatnot because I wanted him to be there for me. With me. I never told him that though. After the last phone call, his last words to me... I don't remember anymore. I think he said he'd call me back and he loved me. But i knew he said he'd talk to me later when I felt better. We didn't, though, because he stopped answering his phone and he stopped calling. And I think that's when the confidence began to crack. 

    It got worse every Christmas, every birthday. I no longer received presents from him or cards, and that made my self esteem to slowly crumble every time. I'd always hope I'd find something for me on the front porch on my birthday, but I already knew I wouldn't. I wasn't important anymore, and I just accepted that after a few years without any sign from him, it was just time to drop it. In my declining self esteem place was an increasing rate of a need for attention. But even then, i still had some confidence, some sort of self respect left for me. I promised myself that i wouldn't let anyone walk over me like that again.

    A few years later came my boyfriend at the time. My need for attention had gotten so bad and my self esteem had been so low that i decided to take him in despite all of my friends' warnings and all the red flags he waved in my face. Throughout that one, if you haven't read one of my previous entry, I let his hypocrisy affect me, let him control me, and let him pressure me into doing things I never wanted to do. I broke my promise to myself, and in its place, self-hate flourished. Even though I broke up with him eventually, I still never completely overcame that feeling he gave me about myself. But even then, i still had some sort of confidence, some sort of self respect. I told myself that he was someone close to you. This only happened because he was close to you. If he were anyone else, you would've stuck up for yourself and dropped connections with them right away. I forgave myself, and promised myself again that this would never happen. 

    And then this year. This year was the all time low. A few months after the beginning of the school year, my self esteem was almost nonexistent and my happiness was swapped for the need for suicide and the feeling of depression. I Hated everything so much. And in a way, I still do. Just not as intensely. But I thought this was the year where I was going to finally say, "Fuck you. Fuck everything. I'm going to do whatever I want and get myself back. I'm going to be where I want to be. I'm going to be confident again." And for a time, I thought it was going well. I did say fuck you to a lot of things, and I did a lot of things that I've always wanted to do and I've said things that I've always wanted to do and I cleared my head and i worked on myself and although i was going against depression I knew i could make it out. i knew I was going to get out of here, one way or another. I was getting my life back on track, the way it should be. i thought I was doing amazing. 

    Then of course, my fragile self had to ruin it for me. It started around two weeks ago. It was little comments here and there, with some of the guys, like two of them, who were my ex's friends saying stuff like, "Hey, remember [ex's name]?" And I'd laugh nervously and be like, "Haha, yep. Can we not talk about this since I have a boyfriend now?" and they'd drop it. Then it started more frequently, with them asking if I was back with my ex again. I denied of course, and said it was a different guy. They'd ask who and blah blah whatever. Then it got worse. i couldn't even mention any of my hobbies without them saying something about my ex. 

    One time, i was asking one of my friends what she wanted me to sew for her birthday, and then this guy bursts in and says, "Hey, remember when you used to sew stuff for [insert ex's name]? Didn't he have like... a ton?" And then I'd have to nervously laugh and explain again that i had a boyfriend and it wasn't fair to him, but this time they wouldn't drop it. They called their other friends and they joined in, too, asking if i remembered my ex and everything I used to do for him. Even my supposed "friend" joined in on the teasing. When I couldn't take it anymore, I booked it as fast as i could. But they never stopped. 

    Now everyday they harass me about my ex and remind me everything about him. The way he made me make out with him, the gifts i made him, but mostly the making out. He told everyone. And he told everyone that I sent him nudes and I sent him sexts and more horrible things. It was a few years ago, but now it's coming back to the surface and i don't know why. And I know i should already be over it but I'm not, because I'm still insecure about everything he did. The relationship scarred me so badly that i can't even handle PDA well, which isn't fair to my current boyfriend. Their harassment continued, and when I asked them why they were doing this, one of them said it was, "because it was funny. You guys made out in public." They laughed at me. I almost cried right there. I couldn't even say anything. I didn't want to remember. I don't even know why they're bringing it up at this point. 

    But the thing that really broke me was when i was heading to one of my classes, and then an entire group of them started saying things like, "God, I wonder what [ex's name] and Mallow were doing behind the door that day," or "I wonder what happened to [ex's name] and Mallow." One of my former friends said that, and some of my current friends did nothing about it and even laughed along with them. I was a joke to them again. 

    So I ran to the bathroom and huddled in a stall. I breathed a bit, one of my friends was there to comfort me. but as i was alone in that stall, it finally hit me that I had finally lost every bit of confidence I had and every last shred of self respect. I let a group of people who weren't supposed to matter bully me, and I didn't do anything about it. No witty comeback that I usually do. No sharp tongue stabbing at their insults. I let them bully me. I let them take away the last crumb of confidence I had, I let them break my last promise to myself. And that day, I went home and I cried. 

    As I lay in the covers that day still in my uniform, my face buried in a pillow, i started to wonder if i had really ever changed at all. Because why should a relationship from years ago matter anymore? Why do I care? Why am I still ashamed? And why don't I feel like I know who I am anymore? 

    After all these months trying to build myself back up, I finally though I had it down pat. And then it was like some kid at the beach knocked over my damned sand castle with his foot and stomped all over my castle's remains. All the work for nothing. All this work just for me to revert back to my old, pathetic self - actually, maybe I did change. I just got a little more pathetic. A lot more pathetic. That day, I knew I lost myself. And as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if its even worth it to go back and start at square one. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try and look in the mirror. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to find myself again.

  3. Wow, it’s been some time since I made a blog. Things have changed a lot since then, I met new people and made some new friends. And lost some along the way but hey that’s life. Anyway my life has been a bumpy ride, I had a job and got fired. I went to a fan con last year, I had tons of fun!

    I also had a crush on someone, we tried it out but it didn’t work. Also someone told me she liked me but I turned her down because I had feelings for someone else. Yeah romance hasn’t been going too good for me. Maybe one day i’ll find someone special.

    My mental health has improved greatly since my little incident back in 2017. I nearly died from my own hands but I got help and got better slowly. I still have dark thoughts rarely but I just ignore them. I’m just happy I decided to stay you know. Mental illness effects anyone. 

    Lastly I just wanted to say i’m happy I found this place, I know i’m not here and don’t post often. I want to work on that since I consider some here friends, I feel they need my time because that’s how friendships can grow. 

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    Jay. sama
    Latest Entry

     There are great animes out their like  91 days and twin tails  and others but their underated.

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    Latest Entry

    Choose which one you think would win a fight against Goku!

  4. This is exciting, and nerve-wracking, and I just need to post something about it to get it out. I was playing tennis today (recreationally, the weather has been SO NICE,) and got to hanging out with one of the local dentists and we played some singles. My SO wanders over (he coaches high schoolers, knows the dentist pretty well,) and the dentist invites us out for some beer and games. We relocate, and it's in the middle of an advert break he asks me what I do for a living. I tell him, and my SO butts in and mentions to him that I used to do dental work. 

    He straight up offered me a job.

    Cue me being flattered but explaining to him I hadn't done the gig in about six years, apparently he's fine with this and can re-teach me. This is exciting to me because this is literally what I went to school for, and have all my certifications and (expired) licenses in. I fell out of the field after moving cross-country and finding myself neck-deep in depression and related life problems.

    So now I'm in this weird position where I am weighing whether it would be worth it to leave my current employer, and all of its benefits and familiarity, to pursue a career I'd probably be much happier with in the scheme of things. 

    This is going to be on my mind all month I just know. So much pressure to make the responsible decision.


  5. So... @SoullessMarshmallow already did an entry on this topic, but thank god it wasn't copyrighted. So here I go.

    There was this guy I met online. He's an AWESOME friend, and when it comes to anime we're basically best buds. So I finally met him in real life after discovering that he was in the same school as I was in. So we kinda started talking, but the convo lasted only a minute. Afterwards I literally ignored him and he ignored me too. All he would do was stare at me. Finally, one day I couldn't take it anymore and asked him why he only stares at me but doesn't talk. And he just responded that he doesn't stare at me, but somebody else. Seriously, I mean, who  DOES THAT?!

    After that we kinda just ignored each other at school but online I was literally telling him EVERYTHING that has been going on with my life. And yeah, we were literally awesome friends online, but in real life... Well, it gets really awkward when he's even ten feet near me.

    Then this one day at school I confessed to him and like everyone, and I literally mean EVERYONE, heard my confession. Now I'm literally being laughed at and it's really hard to avoid those guys.

    So I kinda lost my Instagram (aka I cannot DM anyone anymore since I use Instagram on PC instead of my phone) and now I got "someone" (*cough* @I.Zara2006 *cough*) to talk to him. Now this "someone" told him that I want to talk to him in school. And... Things got REALLY out of hand. Everyday I'm LITERALLY playing Hide 'n Seek with him after we're done with our exams and everyone's just, like, milling around the campus. This was really embarrassing for me.

    After he rejected me I kinda backed out. But now, I feel like I'm not in his "friend circle" or "trustworthy circle" anymore. I just want to be good friends with him. But now, I'm so stressed out about this situation that I CAN'T. THINK. STRAIGHT.

    I did not put any "important" details in here, since he MIGHT be reading this. Who knows?

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    Ok so maybe we all had been ignored by someone or at least once. Or maybe some people never got ignored ( those who are luck). Sometimes it feels like i am the only person on earth. Sometimes It seems like no one can't even see you!! Or they just don't know you. The reason why  i am writing this to tell you all how a person feels when someone ignores him or her. So there  a girl who writes about me in her diary. My read her diary before so they told what was going on.... she Wrote that i am weird..ok so maybe i am little bit weird and she wrote that i i have a wicked plan. People just think that i am just annoying! Well sometimes people play jokes and that goes a bit too far. Ok so Once i went to one of my friend and said, "hi whaat are you doing?" She just ignored, then i waved my hand in front of her face but it seemed couldn't see me...

    I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST INVISIBLE NO ONE CAN SEE ME! people who are having the same problem i want to say that if someone ignores you should ignore them too! Cause someone doesn't give you credit! You are you no one has to tell who you are! 

    Love yourself and others who are kind hearted!😊

  6. I've been away for quite awhile, mostly because I don't know what to do with the state of my health. I'm used to being chronically ill, but ever since December I've had acute illness after illness, as soon as one leaves I get another. My lungs still have not fully recovered from the bronchitis I developed before Christmas, even. Just this past week I had a stomach virus, and the very day the virus started to improve I came down with a sinus infection which resulted in my face swelling as if a golf ball had grown in it and I was completely unable to chew food. I decided to stop waiting until I "feel better" to get online, because I no longer have any idea of if or when that will be.

    Along with my health there have been a couple other factors that have kept me from getting online, one being that we've started having frequent power outages due to storms, where the power will go out sometimes multiple times a week for 20-36 hours. And, because one of my hedgehogs, Wendy, passed away three weeks ago. It's been really hard. She passed away much younger than expected, most likely due to some hidden health complications due to an infection she had as a baby. I am a person who gets majorly attached to animals, especially my own pets, so it's hit me hard. For the first week and a half I just completely isolated myself while I dealt with the grief. But, I'm trying to push myself to get back out there, because I know it's not good for my depression to stay like that.

    However, there is some good news! Five weeks ago my family adopted three cats:


    Pooka is goofball who always wants to either cuddle, play, or find some trouble to get into. He's my younger sister's cat and he will wake her up by biting her face, she has taught him to sit on command, he doesn't quite know how to meow but chirps instead, get stuck behind the dryer, tries to jump into the spinning ceiling fan, and enjoys scaring me by running up and wrapping himself around my legs to hear me scream.


    Hunk is a sweet big boy, who is largely bonded to my older sister and parents. He's 15lbs and a healthy weight, but on a strict diet because he is obsessed with food and will gorge himself if you let him. After finishing his own serving of food he will search the house for more, often trying to steal the hedgehog's food. While he doesn't like to be held, and doesn't like to be petted too much he does enjoy chin and face scratches. He also loves to sit beside people on the couch while they read or watch TV. He gets scared easily, and if an object is reflecting the least bit of light he will bop it with his paw, sometimes jumping away before bopping it again, until he is satisfied it won't attack him.


    Izuku is my baby and I am absolutely in love with him. He is the sweetest darling who would never hurt or scratch anyone. He loves to talk, he's always having a conversation loudly meowing. Most mornings he is my alarm clock. He is happiest cuddled up in bed sleeping with his head resting on my legs, but he also loves looking out the window, sleeping under the bed, or on top of the piano or bookcase. He will come running if I shake the treat bag. He loves to play, especially with his brothers. He will try to coax them to play by bopping or wrestling with them. He has the loudest purr, and getting attention makes him beyond happy. He's such a darling! <3 

    Anyways, guys, that's all for now! I hope I can catch up on the forums tomorrow, goodnight!

  7. Blog

    Latest Entry

    By Greeneyes,

    An assassin has to be Physically strong as well as mentally

    in every way. The challenges will be shortend to 5 instead of 10.

    This challenge has 3 parts. You fail if only get 2/3 correct.

    A dead body is found at the bottom of a multistory building. It looks quite clear that the person has committed suicide by jumping off from one of the floors.

    A  detective comes, goes to the first floor and walks in the room facing the direction in which the body was found. He opens the closed window of that room and flips a coin towards the floor.

    He goes to the second floor and does the exact same thing till the last floor. Then, when he climbs down, he tells the team that it is a murder, not suicide.


    A couple went on for their honeymoon trip. But only the husband returned from the vacation and said that his wife met an unfortunate accident and died. The police arrested him saying, “Your travel agent called. You murdered your wife.”

    How did the agent know that it was a murder?


    Seven men take a trip together before the trip they were invited via cards with everyone's name printed on them 6 came back and 1 did not, 5 of the men did not know who didn't come back however 1 did, why did 1 know and not the other 5?

  8. Guidelines

    Latest Entry

    By Optic,

    To change the forum theme, scroll down to the bottom of the page and click Theme:



    Many themes also have different background images you can choose from:


  9. CasseyFujiwara
    Latest Entry

    Yooo Minna~SAN!!

    Current Anime being watched: Steins;Gate

    Genre: Sci-Fi, Romance, Mystery (from what I've seen)

    Recommend it? OF COURSE!

    It tells the story of Okabe Rintarou a self-proclaimed mad scientist along with his fellow "Lab Members" as they fight an organization in the future (terminator vibes eh), well anyways.. this is a must watch for everyone, though some may not understand it then watch it and you'll understand why I'm saying that this anime is outstanding (you could already understand what I'm saying just by looking at the show's ratings.) There's also some romance, that's pretty awesome if you ask me, though I've already watched the movie and have not watched the series full yet (which is pretty much one of the most stupid things that could happen) but I guess I have a Spoiler Paradox if that's what it's called, or maybe it was just my stupidity cause actually I thought the I was watching the first thing and I really thought that it was a movie, and the thing is I discovered that it was really the last of the franchise.

    Rating: 9/10 (I wanna stay true to the MAL Rating, though what I wanted was 10/10, but see for yourself. .


    Steins;Gate (Spring 2011)

    1. PG-13
    2. 24 episodes
    3. 24 minutes
    4. TV


    1. Rating
    2. Source
      Visual novel
    3. First Episode
      Apr 6, 2011
    4. Last Episode
      Sep 14, 2011
    5. Status
      Finished Airing
    6. Broadcast
      Wednesdays at 02:05
    7. Studio
        • White Fox
    8. Genres


    1. Rintarou Okabe
    2. Kurisu Makise
    3. Mayuri Shiina


      • Producer
      • Producer
      • Planning
      • Director
      • Episode Director
      • Storyboard
      • Key Animation

    The self-proclaimed mad scientist Rintarou Okabe rents out a room in a rickety old building in Akihabara, where he indulges himself in his hobby of inventing prospective "future gadgets" with fellow lab members: Mayuri Shiina, his air-headed childhood friend, and Hashida Itaru, a perverted hacker nicknamed "Daru." The three pass the time by tinkering with their most promising contraption yet, a machine dubbed the "Phone Microwave," which performs the strange function of morphing bananas into piles of green gel.

    Though miraculous in itself, the phenomenon doesn't provide anything concrete in Okabe's search for a scientific breakthrough; that is, until the lab members are spurred into action by a string of mysterious happenings before stumbling upon an unexpected success—the Phone Microwave can send emails to the past, altering the flow of history.

    Adapted from the critically acclaimed visual novel by 5pb. and Nitroplus, Steins;Gate takes Okabe through the depths of scientific theory and practicality. Forced across the diverging threads of past and present, Okabe must shoulder the burdens that come with holding the key to the realm of time. written by myanimelist.net
    1. #7 popularity
    2. 1026K members
    3. 94K favorites
    • All Names
    • English Steins;Gate
    • Original STEINS;GATE



  10. Writing is my favorite. Looking at different hand writings is a delight. Looking at a pen gradually lose its ink as a few words goes by resembles life. Every curve, every straight line, every stops and spaces will only become meaningful at the end of the paragraph.

    Why do I write? I write simply because I love watching my pen touching the paper leaving marks as if claiming its territory. It's sometimes referred to as a talent but I looked at it as a past time spent between my soul and these different strokes on paper.

    Every idea and plot some times cease running and somewhat feels shy to confront this wondering mind of a self-proclaimed writer. There are also times when ideas struck hard and these hands feels numb and can't keep up with the mind which resembles to a long awaited intercourse between the pen and paper. Every touch proclaims longing and desire to touch the familiar pages once again. 


    P.S. These phrases actually just came to mind yesterday when I was supposed to write for my journal. I hope you like it. :) Constructive criticism is always accepted. :D 


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    When I watch curtain anime I start to question my life based off of what is going on, like in a anime an MC is portrayed to come out on top in Romance, Action or Fantasy.... But What about in the real world? In the real world everyone is the MC so who comes out on top.... When I think about it I feel to small to make a wave in the ocean of people.... But not being able to does not mean I don't want to but it does mean I think I can't... I wonder why do we continue with our lives when ultimately we don't have any real goals, for instance... You say your goal is to get a medal what do you do after you get your medal nothing changed from you getting it... You say your gonna start to workout to get in shape. Why, whats the point when if you didn't you can indulge yourself more with little affect... Why, is there a reason to continue when a goal you set leads to nothing more... When you feel like your life doesn't mean anything... Anyway just got done watching a bunch of sad anime and these where what came to mind afterwords nothing to serious, right?



  11. =UZUMAKI=
    Latest Entry


    Hi guys! I have been watching anime more so, here it comes!



    Genre: Time Travel, Romance

    Recommend it? YES

    Guys, this anime was fabulous, if you are interested in time travel, this anime is something outstanding. It's basically about a group of people who want to look beyond the time using D - mails and primitive time leaping machine. It's also very psychological and I should also mention that it is also has many funny moments.



    GENRE: Yc, HS

    Recommend it? YES

    A cute love story about two HS boys. The story is very sweet a adorable. It has also a very unique art! 


    I have read so many mangas I will write them some other time :)



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    Latest Entry

    I mean, watching an anime about something with no intense and powerful battles in it is not really my style but I'll give is an exception for this. The art is phenomena, the characters have distinct, original personalities and the story is extremely well written. Saying this was just another anime would be a huge understatement from all of the obvious work that went into this and it's art. I rated it a 5⭐️ on Rotten Tomatoes, and one of the highest ratings you can give on most rating systems there are, just wanting to let the people who worked on this know that our changed my life goes the better.

    My depression cure length? I'd say that this movie cured my depression and some of my anxiety as well for about two weeks with only one dose neededD1E2A8FC-5612-42B8-A24F-5E7E8B5D4E21.thumb.jpeg.fb69b6ca5686793dae248472cd0bec46.jpeg

  12. Good day, fellows. I am happy that many new people are joining the forums lately, and becoming active, since we've lost a lot of activity of the most reputated members, so it's always good to have a backup മ◡മ .

    To my point of today: I know I am supposed to start acting more positively here, since my entries were getting very depressing, with my life apparently falling apart and all that,
    No more! - .... Oh, I just had to deal with my 'best friend' abandoning me for months and not giving a crap about my introvert personality and how it feels to be enforced into a group of people you don't like. That's what's happened lately. I was doing fine, progressing at school, making new friends here and in Discord servers, keeping up with my drawings, taking care of projects.. Then I'm forced into an interrogation by this person, and another of the friends from the same social group. The second one seemed to understand and never spoke of the subject again, which was how I felt about the first one. The first one... he had a breakdown today. He noticed just now that he's lost me forever, when I had been hinting it for months. Does he not notice when someone's constantly avoiding you at all costs? I lost all trust in him when he abandoned me for others without any explanation. Me, being sensitive as I am, fell to the ground and darkest pits of my mind. Later I went through other trouble with other people, falling for an imaginary love that was in no way possible the other way around, and well... These things happen. But heck, I despised this person's company so much after that happened that I had never felt so uncomfortable. I even wasted time hiding in the bathroom at school just so he would go have lunch with other people and I could go by myself, or leave school to go eat at a restaurant, away from him. 

    My point is that now he's promised to leave me by myself, after a serious and sincere chatter. I'm anxious for the end of this school year, since he leaves and won't be around next year. I really don't know what kind of things are supposed to make you want to avoid your best friend this way, but it's happened. And he cried in audio messages, and was I supposed to feel bad? I've been told by other good friends "no". He's just suffering the consequences of his selfish actions, and I should move on, and so I do! So I feel quite relieved in this moment, hooray. Happiness everywhere, I suppose, for real. I might not have a life goal, but that's kind of what makes me always so happy, having nothing big to worry about. Sure, I want to go to a university and all that, but I don't have a "dream" to accomplish before I die, at least for now, so all I have right now is more than enough to keep my mind steady and optimistic.

    Back to a subject actually concerning the Forums:
    Recently I've started building my own RPG in RPG Maker MV, and It's a really long-term project, I'm not in any hurry so I'm going to take my time. Still I've no idea of programming, so I kindly accept any volunteers to help with either javascript programming, pixel art for characters, items and tilesets, maybe someone to make some original music? (´∀`)
    So, without more boring things to read, I bid thee all farewell until any comments or personal messages concerning this come up (¬‿¬) .

    See you all around.

  13. So, here is my episode 4 review. Let's go!

    We start with the Principal talking to Mrs Sakurai about discipline and the need to better enforce it. This is the setup for the first half of the episode and is quickly delivered before going to the OP.

    After that, Mrs Sakurai is motivating herself in regards to new task of enforcing rules. She bumps into Sasahara, who is eating a cooked meal layed out on a tray he has hung from his neck. There's also wine, because eating in the halls is something Sasahara does with sophistication. Naturally, Mrs Sakurai freaks out. But she tries to take Sasahara on. It works, amazingly. This is the first time Mrs Sakurai has done this telling a student off thing successfully and with Sasahara of all people. Of course, Sasahara feels the need to loudly declare that those who prepared his food should be notified that he found it delicious. Instantly, Misato is behind Sasahara with a minigun. So, she too has a special power. Everyone seems to do in this anime, but I guess that's to be expected in this shounen ani...wait, this is slice of life? Whar?

    Well, I hope Misato has better amunition this time. Mrs Sakurai nervously reprimands Misato on the minigun she has. But a person suddenly calls Misato over, so Mrs Sakurai doesn't have to deal with that. She then asks Sasahara about his cravat, which she calls a frilly thing. He first responds with a random bit about how their ordinary days might be a series of miracles, with Sasahara and Sakurai being shot as though this is some super meaningful moment. Then Mrs Sakurai asks Sasahara aboiut the cravat again, since she doesn't know it's name. He laughs and says he'll tell her it's name. He then leaves without finishing the sentence of “It's name is...” with a actual name. But this is actually better than usual, so Mrs Sakurai is happy. This is very good day for her in terms of accomplishments. Well done! So it has to finish off with Sakurai asking a student about their hair and that student becoming upset, loudly confessing after being pushed by Mrs Sakurai that their hair doesn't grow on the sides.

    We get a random bit where a student is counting for a game. When he turns around from the wall he was facing, he gets told by another student that the others involved in the game have gone home. Oh, the transition bit for at this point is a shot of a urinal. That's odd.

    Nano and the Professor are doing food shopping. Nano's dealing with the problem of taking a young child around shopping. The Professor wants snacks and has zero interest in healthy foods. Plus, she already has snacks back home. But Nano does accept that they can get some snacks for Sakamoto. While looking for those, the two notice a snowman on the sehelves and Nano asks a store worker about it. It's actually made of ice and some other people express interest in it. But Nano decides to buy it. You know, because it's cute. Yeah, that makes total sense in regards to buying something that'll melt and that you'll be shaving ice off for shaved ice treats. The Professor uses this brash impulse purchase to leverage some snacks out of Nano. It is understandable when Nano got a snowman for herself. Well, Sakamoto is stunned by this. He doesn't care much, as long as he has his own food. 

    Yeah, Nano forgot that, thanks to the distraction of the snowman. So, your meal is shaved ice, Sakamoto. Enjoy! Hmm, are there actual frozen treats for cats? I wonder.

    We get the rock paper scissors game between Nano and the Professor again. This time, her hand launches into the air, with a cord attached to it that links to to Nano. It stops extending after a point and pulls Nano up into the air. Come back, Nano! We still need to do the rest of the episode!

    Okay, next bit. All the students are in class and working. Mrs Sakurai has fallen asleep. Yukko is looked freaked out at something. That turns out to be Mai standing on her desk while no one pays any attention to that, apart from Yukko. Then Mai is suddenly gone, Yukko looks around and then finds Mai behind her, lying on top of the lockers. She then lifts her hand up and has a finger touch a hand drawn behind her with it's own finger extended, like that famous painting with man reaching out to god. Hmm, perhaps it is Mai who is meant to be God. Yes, that makes perfect sense! God is an anime girl who does random stuff to screw with people.

    Yukko tries to get Mio's attention, but Mio just thinks it's an eraser Yukko's after and hands one over without even looking at Yukko. Then Mai is back at her desk, but is taking off her hair. Yukko freaks out at this. So does the Principal, who we see through the class window. Then the bell rings, stirring Mrs Sakurai and getting her to end to test. We then cut to Mai and Yukko on the rooftop with Mai holding the wig she wore for the whole no hair thing.

    We get a bit with Mrs Sakurai in the office, musing on thinking about what others want and what you want. It's not a joke, but it's short and nice.

    We get another bit with that person playing the game from earlier. He is still trying it with no one around playing with him and the person who told him the others had gone just telling him to stop already.

    Yukko goes up to a window, tired. Then a bird, some sort of exotic bird, appears and tells her that it has gotten used to this form. Yukko freaks out.

    Nano is cooking umeboshi. Sakamoto tries one, but they aren't cooked yet. The Professor gets a foxtail from the garden and says she can play with Sakamoto with it. Sakamoto isn't pleased with the way he is adressed and the Professor keeps using the undesired form of address while trying to apologise, annoying him further. Nano goes shopping, leaving Sakamoto with the Professor. She annoys him further, though the way she sways the foxtail left and right begins to distract him. Then the Professor leaves him to got to the loo, giving him a moment to think. He thinks about how he is the only adult there in the house and will have to take a parent role, an attempt at being mature which is hard to take seriously when Sakamoto starts playing with an eraser part way through his inner monologue and gets seriously into playing with it. Then the Professor pops back and wonders what he was doing. So save his dignity as the self-proclaimed parent, he says he was sleeping. Then he gets distracted by a fly while trying to explain himself and starts trying to swat it. He then gets distracted again by the foxtail and leaps at it. Yeah, mission accomplished, Sakamoto. The Professor will surely take you seriously now that you've gone full cute kittie in front of her.

    *sighs* Why won't cats ever go full cute kittie for me in real life? Whyyyy?!

    After that, we see the hair guy from before at home, trying to arrange his hair to look more normal. It works, but his mum pops in and both of them freak out.

    Yukko and Mai are outside, after school. Yukko spots Mai reading a book hidden by a book. Yukko says this is likely part of Mai working to her role as the funny man. But she decides to poke fun at 4this anyway. This annoys Mai, who says her good jab effectively overshadows her funny man act. It's amusing in a way, since Mai is the most serious in the way she acts. But I'd say Mio is the straight man of the group, while funny man of the group is potentially applicable to Mai. Anyway, Yukko is actually a bit confused about what Mai is doing. Mai says she doesn't need to explain and thought Yukko would just understand, since she;s quick on the uptake. Then it gets briefly tense with Mai saying they aren't friends. Mai clarifies a moment later that they are best friends and thus don't need words. Yukko says some words are okay and tries to hug Mai. Mai pushes her back and it's tense again, with Mai saying she shouldn't do that. Then it gets odd, with Mai saying she'll fall further in love with Yukko. Yukko thinks this is a best friend sort of love, but Mai tries to clarify. It's the romantic sort of love thaty girls normally have for guys. Yeah, so Yukko freaks out at this.

    It was a joke. Yukko says she believed it, then tries to lie her way out of that. Mai then says, very seriously, that she hates people who try to lie their way out of situations. Yukko apologises.

    It was another joke. Yukko is just utterly confused at this point. Also, the comment about Yukko being quick on the uptake was meant to have Yukko respond with “No I'm not” as an alternative setup for a joke than the whole sudden love thing.

    Well, in my opinion, that was an improvement over episode 3. It was very funny. There was no super animation moment, but all the jokes worked wonderfully.

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                    Sorry I know I said " I would post once a week" but, recently things in my life have turned to poop. So hopefully I plan on to post maybe this week. And I'm also still deciding on what anime I should I review first.  

         So expect a review sometime this week maybe, Peace.

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    Serial Experiments Lain

    Episode Layer 01 Weird

    "And you don't seem to UNDERSTAAAAAAND!!!!!!" *cough cough* sorry. So this is my third viewing of Serial Experiments Lain and since I'm gonna be completely unemployed for the next two weeks I figured 'Hey what better way to spend my time then writing an episodic analysis on one of the most mind-fucky shows out there!' (yay) I almost made this blog entry about how terrible Fate Apocrypha is but given that I was complaining in my last entry, I've decided to change the mood a little. (Fate Apocrypha can wait)


    oh and uh here's a quick Synopsis if you don't know the show for some reason.

    Synopsis (from MAL)

    Lain Iwakura, an awkward and introverted fourteen-year-old, is one of the many girls from her school to receive a disturbing email from her classmate Chisa Yomoda—the very same Chisa who recently committed suicide. Lain has neither the desire nor the experience to handle even basic technology; yet, when the technophobe opens the email, it leads her straight into the Wired, a virtual world of communication networks similar to what we know as the internet. Lain's life is turned upside down as she begins to encounter cryptic mysteries one after another. Strange men called the Men in Black begin to appear wherever she goes, asking her questions and somehow knowing more about her than even she herself knows. With the boundaries between reality and cyberspace rapidly blurring, Lain is plunged into more surreal and bizarre events where identity, consciousness, and perception are concepts that take on new meanings.

    Honestly to understand this blog post I seriously recommend just watching this episode first. (edit: I have added a plot summary)

    But James why are you doing this?

    'Well I'm glad you asked hypothetical nobody.' You see Serial Experiments Lain is not quite as loved as most of it's fan-base would have you believe. No actually a lot of "anime critics" Random ppl on the internet* Believe that this show is fucking garbage and I cant really blame them. I've given it a 9/10 on MAL but I'm not sure I could prove that Lain isn't an incoherent piece of shit if someone confronted me with that argument. So here I am. Does Lain actually make any sense at all? Well we're about to find out.

    So far I've re-watched the first episode and taken a shitload of notes categorizing them into three types of information. Stated Info, Implying info and interpretive Info. All my notes will be presented in italics below. Don't worry you don't actually have to read it. I'll be making my points below it so I can reference it every now and then. (so in order for this to make sense you are going to need to look at my notes whenever i reference them.) But shit you can probably just skip to my analysis summary at the end and still get it. 

    Anyhow... Let The Analysis Begin!


    Notes (with time-stamps)

    Stated infomation

    [1A] (02:10) Spoken: “Why? Why won’t you come? I wish you could come here…” (by who?)

    Text frames(TF): [2A] (03:03) “Why you should do that is something you should figure out for yourself.” TF

                       [2B] (03:53) “I don’t need to stay in a place like this.”  TF (These are possibly Chisa’s words based on the fact that we see her lips moving without sound before the second text frame appears. It also makes sense as something she would say before she kills herself.)

                       [3] (05:00) “If you stay in a place like this you might not be able to connect.” TF

                       [4C] (06:52) “Everybody, hurry…”  TF

    [3.5] (05:46) Lain tells people on the train to shut up (uncharacteristic of her).

    More text frames: [6] (09:28) “What’s it like when you die?” “It really hurts.”

    Yomoda Chisa’s email to Lain:

    Chisa: “Hello, how are you? Lain I walked home with you just once. Do you remember?”

    Lain: "Yes" 

    Chisa: “I have only given up my body. By doing this I can explain to you that I am still alive. I wanted to let you know this, Lain, so I sent this email to you. Do you understand? It’s okay if you can’t right now. You will all understand soon. Everyone will.”

    Lain: "Why did you die?" 

    Chisa: “Rumour at school has it that this is a prank email. But I want you to know that it isn’t, Lain.”

    Lain: "Why? Why did you die?"  

    Chisa: “God is here.

    Lain: (only spoken)"Huh?"

    [7A] (15:54) Lain’s Fathers Words: “You know Lain, in this world. Whether it’s here in the real world or in the Wired, people connect to each other, and that’s how societies function.” *looking at headless people on computer* Lain’s father goes on to reassure her that she can make friends easily and that there is nothing to be afraid of. We see Lain silently mouth something with one syllable. She then says. “I’m not scared” She also says that there is a friend she wants to see.


    Implying infomation

    [8A] (17:11) Lain is on a train when suddenly it stops and the train driver announces that there has been an accident.

    [8B] (17:38) Lain looks out the train window to see blood dripping from the power-lines.

    [9] (20:31) Again Lain’s vision goes blurry as she stares at the blackboard. However, this time the board’s words change into a message to Lain saying “Come to the wired as soon as you can.” The message although she views it on the blackboard appears to have come from her Navi.


    Interpretive infomation

    [1B] (02:55) Chisa is surrounded by black and red shadows before she goes to kill herself.

    [4A] (06:30) Lain staring at her shadow (shadow is not black and red. Instead it is green and blue.)

    [4B] (06:40) Lain looks at other students in the courtyard when her vision begins to blur and the students disappear as her vision fades to white.

    [5A] (08:45) Once again while Lain is in class her vision goes blurry and the words on the board become illegible.

    [5B] (09:18) This is the scene where steam seems to emerge from Lain’s fingers and trails throughout the class.

    [7B] (16:55) Lain’s father makes weird laughing noise.

    [8C] (18:03) Cut to a dream sequence where Lain is standing in the middle of the road, she then appears in a subway; then an empty school grounds; then what seems to be an empty classroom. Finally after a flash-cut of a red train-crossing light she appears on an empty road. Fog swoops in from outside the frame surrounding her as she finds herself on a train track. She then sees a girl walk in front of an incoming train and gets hit. Lain wakes up in her classroom afterward.

    [10] (21:08) In the final scene Chisa appears before Lain in the street and Lain asks “Chisa? Where are you?” Chisa just stares at her weirdly and disappears in a green spiral.


    Plot Summary

    Okay fine I suppose I'll do a normal episode summary before I do my analysis and analysis summary. I can't expect people to watch the episode before reading this. Alright so the show begins with Chisa killing herself. After that we meet Lain and pretty much immediately we know something's not right. On her train ride to school Lain hears voices that aren't there and once she arrives she begins to have vision problems. Lain learns from her classmates that apparently Chisa has been emailing people from the dead. Once Lain arrives home she finds that she herself has received one of these emails and what she learns is that apparently Chisa has found God in the Wired. Intrigued, Lain asks her father for a new Navi(computer) so that she can better interact with the Wired. The next day Lain is on a train to school when the train grinds to a hold after an accident. Lain quiclky falls into a dream sequence where she witnesses a person getting hit by the train. Once Lain wakes up in her classroom at school she experiences more visual problems which twist the words on the blackboard into a message. The message instructs Lain to come to the Wired asap. Finally in the last scene we see Chisa confront Lain. To Be Continued.


    OKAY! I am fucking ready for this. So the first thing you hear in Serial Experiments Lain (aside from that godly op :crazy:) is a strange bit of dialog(see [1A]) and we have no idea who says it. Luckily though I have a theory. I actually think this voice is one of Lain's other personalities trying to convince Yomoda Chisa to kill herself. She want's Chisa to leave her body and come to the Wired. Now I'm no connoisseur of Japanese voice acting but I'm pretty sure that it was Lain's voice. Also Chisa's suicide scene is shown soon afterwards so I'm almost positive that these words are directed at her. This is supported by the next cut where we see Chisa out of breath and seemingly upset.([1B]) This is a little bit strange because when we see her leap from the building she appears to be at peace.

    Real quick this is what I mean when I say text frame: serial-experiments-lain-episode-1.jpg.2dc25aa3f414a52c6834793a7ced4709.jpg

    Given my last assumption we could interpret the next cut to a silent text frame([2A]) as Lain's words to Chisa telling her to figure out why she should come to the Wired, why she should kill herself. And the text frame right before Chisa jumps is obviously her Dialog “I don’t need to stay in a place like this.” ([2B]). In all honesty this theory is a little bit of a stretch, because if they wanted to represent Lain's Dialog again in [2A] surely they would just have her speak them like she did 53 seconds ago in [1A]. However, as it is, I cant imagine these words([2A]) being from anyone else. (these could totally be Eiri Masami's words) On a side note I am going to refer to this version of Lain as 'Lain 0' from now on so as to not get her confused with normal Lain. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about with this multiple personality shit then don't worry, all shall be explained in time.)

    The next thing I noted was a text frame that appears just before Lain leaves for school. “If you stay in a place like this you might not be able to connect.” ([3]) This can be interpreted as a message to Lain from Chisa. A likely assumption because if I'm not mistaken I'm sure Chisa tries to convince Lain to come to the Wired later in the series. Given these motives it is not hard to imagine these as Chisa's words. Even if this is not the case it is almost certain that these words are for Lain regardless of who they come from. 

    Lain is riding a train and she is sick of the people on the train talking so she tells them to shut up.([3.5]) However what's interesting about this is the way people look at her when she says this. They look as if they have been silent the whole time. This likely means the voices she is hearing are coming from the Wired.

    Now I am still unsure what exactly is the significance of this scene, the different colored shadow([4A]) particularly eludes any explanation of mine.(I just thought I'd note it anyway) What I am sure of however is that it is somehow connected to Lain's partial loss of vision.([4B]) And the following text frame “Everybody, hurry…” ([4C]). Honestly I might have to just let this one sit until I start researching more episodes. This is actually pretty important because one of the biggest complaints I saw in negative reviews is that many scenes are pointless and don't go anywhere. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. But fuck I'll be surprised if I get through this whole show and everything connects to everything else with no plot holes.(But this tangent can wait)

    Okay so this is the second time Lain begins to lose her vision([5A]) which means there is clearly some sort of meaning behind this. Then again I had vision problems all the time in school and there wasn't any meaning to that. What happens next however, happened to me slightly less often.([5B]) And I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you again because I have no explanation for this. But to be fair like who the hell does? Even the most knowledgeable Lain fans will tell you 'Yeah we have no fucking idea what this is.' It's certainly cool don't get me wrong but I'm not sure we will get far narrative wise if we waste time randomly guessing at what this might be. Moving on.

    Luckily these text frames([6]) are pretty straight forward since we know there's only one character who's died so far. Although we don't know who's asking the question. My first guess would be the next girl who kills herself. Perhaps she is asking what it is like to die before she goes and kills herself. Even though this makes sense there really is no evidence for this so far. Again I will have to come back to this part later.

    Okay so now I'm going to talk about Chisa's email to Lain which is the blue writing in my notes. At first it was difficult to tell whether this was a conversation or just one email because Lain spoke all her replies. It is only when Chisa answers Lain(not even directly mind you) that it becomes evident that this is a conversation.(It's not hard to assume that Lain's Navi converts her words into messages because her Navi was shown to be voice operated to some extent earlier.) Most of what Chisa says is pretty self explanatory, not much to analyse there except for her reply to Lain's question. "God is here." Now I have a pretty good idea of who she is talking about. After all there really are only two people she could be talking about, Eiri Masami or Lain 0. Here is my current hypothesis: Chisa is referring to Lain 0 when she says God. First evidence for this is that it makes sense as a reply to Lain's question "Why? Why did you die?"  If Lain 0 is the one who convinced Chisa to kill herself, saying that Lain 0 is here(God) makes perfect sense. There are other reasons as to why I think that Lain 0 is the God Chisa is speaking of but I'll cover this later when I analyse the relevant episodes.

    So this is where Lain speaks to her father about getting a better Navi.([7A]) What can we learn from this interaction? Well most obviously Lain's dad is a big Navi(computer) enthusiast. However, I'm not sure how much significance any of his dialog actually holds. If nothing else I'd say it's a kind of foreshadowing for the themes the show will be exploring. Actually given Lain's father's true identity his words may have more weight than I'm giving them credit for. However, I think it's still a bit too early to discus this. As for Lain we can see that this scene shows a bit of a turning point for her, because up till now she has had no interest in technology. So finally her father asks her why she has taken a sudden interest in Navi's and Lain simply replies "There's a friend I want to see."(Obviously Chisa) But before she says that, we see her mouth move silently forming only one syllable. This could be anything from Lain wanting to say something else or a mystery word that the audience isn't supposed to know yet. Regardless there's really not much we can do to figure this out right now. So what happens next I honestly have no words for.([7B]) This crazy ass laugh is weird as fuck and out of nowhere. But it's actually not the strangest thing in this scene. If you look at Lain's father's computer while he is talking to her, you'll find that he is clicking through moving images of headless people. yeah... weird right. The scene doesn't seem to put much emphasis on this but it's just far too bizarre to just mean nothing. So I looked closely at what he was entering on his Navi and this is what I found. He types into a bar under 'application cya_iiization(illegible word) system' and he types "Think Blue Count One To".(probably a password) I'm not really sure if this means anything but I'll record it just in case. There is also some writing in Japanese next to the headless people so I will see if I can get my friend to translate it. I'm not really confident that it means anything significant but better safe than sorry.

    Honestly ([8A]) and ([8B]) don't really need much analysis. The bleeding power-lines are cool visuals for sure but other than representing someones death I don't think its alluding to anything else. Speaking of this person I'm not sure we ever find out who it is that gets hit by the train. We find out in Lain's dream sequence([8C]) that it is a high school girl but other than that i don't remember the show ever bringing this up again. But I suppose we will have to wait and see.

    So Lain wakes up in class after her dream to find herself having problems with her vision.([9]) With this I think we can understand the meaning behind its previous occurrences as well. Lain's loss of vision is likely a result of someone trying to bring her into the Wired. Although at this point in the story there's only one person we know to be contacting Lain from the Wired, in the grand scheme of things this could actually be quite a few different people. For now though I think it's still a question between Yomoda Chisa and Eiri Masami. That is one thing that has been bothering me actually. Both my main theories about Lain 0 contacting Chisa and Chisa contacting Lain could just be replaced by Masami and still make sense. 

    FINALLY WE MADE IT. In this last scene we see Chisa finally confront lain([10]) in person(sort of). This encounter is nothing if not weird and all we get from it is Lain asking questions and Chisa just staring at her weirdly. It doesn't help much.


    Analysis Summary

    So the only unique idea I really got out of this episode was my Lain 0 theory wherein Lain's Wired personality was the one who convinced Chisa to kill herself and is the one Chisa refers to as god. Other than that I think my interpretations were pretty standard. Lain's recurring loss of vision is likely Chisa's doing. To be honest there are far more lose ends then I would have liked there to be but It's really not surprising. 

    Loose ends:

    • Lain's colorful shadow
    • That "everybody hurry" text frame.([4C])
    • Steam erupting from Lain's fingers.([5B])
    • Who is asking Chisa what death is like?([6])
    • Why Is Lain's dad interested in headless people and why does he laugh like a maniac.([7A]) and ([7B])
    • Who gets hit by the train?([8C])

    Alright I'm done. This is about all I can get from this first episode. Hopefully we can see this loose end list diminish as time goes on and I analyse more episodes. Or it will just go up in which case the haters are right. I think either way Serial Experiments Lain is predominantly an aesthetic show. It's not about what you know is true, it's about what you think you know is true. Regardless I've always wanted to know if SEL's Narrative actually holds up and you know what they always say, if you want something done right do it yourself. 

    Thanks for reading if you got this far and if you have anything to say you know what to do. :D



  14. Roxeg
    Latest Entry

    By Roxeg,

    The unextinguishable Flame


    All things come to an end, 

    A day is complete, a night approaches,

    Night brings darkness and cold.

    A night is complete, a day approaches,

    Day brings warmth and shines.


    Good days finish, terrible days comes,

    Terrible days bring suffering and despair.

    A terrible day is finished, a good day comes,

    Good days bring optimism and hope.


    Life vanishes, death arrives,

    Death is vanity and void.

    Death did not come yet,

    Life sticks to you as long as you hold it.

  15. Killing Bites is based off of the manga of the same name. People have created human-animal hybrids called jujin, and powerful businesses bet on the outcome of their duels.

    The show wastes no time explaining things and I could wrap up the first half of the episode pretty fast. Hitomi Uzaki, while walking down a street late at night, is forced into a car so that the passengers can have their way with her, but she kills everyone but the driver, Yuuya Nomoto, who didn't know that this was what his friends wanted him to do. He is then told to drive her to a place that turns out to be a graveyard of human bodies, which causes him to flee in terror but he accidentally stumbles upon a open arena for the Killing Bites death matches, here he meets a man by the name of Leo and doesn't question what he might be doing here, but tells him what happened as he pleas for help. Leo tells him that Hitomi is likely a jujin and explains what that is.
    After Yuuya calls him stupid, he transforms into one himself, but Hitomi comes to his rescue and transform himself. The thing about jujin is that male ones are fully covered in fur while female ones only have their limbs and ears change, another thing to note is that she only has her bra and underwear on at this point. In other words, fanservice.

    Now the fight itself is pretty well animated, but apparently their bodies are made out of steel since they can withstand being thrown into cars multiple times but still rip off eachother's appendages with ease. Yuuya is grateful of Hitomi and wants to take her to a hospital so as to get her wounds treated, but she tells him that she can't go there and ends up treating her wounds himself.
    The next day, they go out for pancakes because she wanted some and that is where we are properly introduced to Reiichi Shidoh, who Hitomi has been calling since after they arrived at the graveyard because he wanted her to protect Yuuya, and now says to be his bodyguard. He recites all the information he has about Yuuya, I wonder if he how long it took for him to get it memorized? So Reiichi is the director of Killing Bites and tells him that there are four zaibatsu that still have dominion over japan's economy and they use this death match as a proxy war with each having their own representative, and he further states that he wants him to be the investor for Hitomi and that's why she has to protect him, otherwise she won't be able to participate in any more matches.

    Hitomi acts pretty moe and not like herself at all around Reiichi, she adores him pretty much. After getting into his limo, Reiichi's secretary states how it doesn't make any sense to entrust some random guy with their money and I agree, can't these type of shows come up with better reasons for a character's harem existing?
    When they get back and Yuuya counts the money he received until night falls, Hitomi tells him to go out and buy her some stuff. I'm not sure why she told him to do this when she's supposed to be protecting him, but maybe she realized this and that is why she appeared later.
    On his way back, another jujin appears and flashes him in order to gain the upper hand and force him to talk, do you really expect this show to give a reason why she would need to do this when he didn't even notice her before? And do you expect it to give a reason why she didn't notice Hitomi even though she was right not to her the whole time she was lying in wait to ambush him?

    All in all, this show doesn't have a very good plot, it might not even have very good characters. The action is well animated, but will simply be fast paced and not contain too much logic. This anime is clearly geared towards people who like adult content though, so it won't be enjoyable by people who don't. That's it for now, please be sure to check out my look at Beatless. I will return in a week on february the 4th for my last two impressions, I promised to do Clear Card-hen but unless I can find it somewhere online, I'll likely have to give my impressions on the manga instead unfortunately. Thank you for reading, and have yourself a wonderful day.

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