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Okay so sorry been away so long. My work keeps me super busy. I have this week off so trying to catch up on stuff I watch and watch new stuff. Okay so I started watching a Netflix original called Sword Gai pretty good has 2 season each 12 episodes long. Cursed weapons give you powers at a cost they can take you over and the weapon basically takes over your body. Anyway it has some good action and it has it's sad moments. I haven't finished second season yet so I'm not sure how it's going to end.
New show called Double Decker super funny kind got the feel of like Cowboy Bebop, Outlaw Star, and Coyote Rag Time Show. Its super funny but action packed.
Finished Free! Dive into the Future super upset that it totally ended at a good part and now have to wait 2 freaking yrs for next season. It says see you in 2020. What kind of bullshit is that!!!!
Finally I started Darling in the Franxx what a show very interesting. I wanna see where it goes if Hiro survives that crazy girl.
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*Has nothing to do with anime but i was just bored, feedback is appreciated *
I'll call this "Series A" incase i decide to continue the story at a later date.
Somehow it happened, on a cold day, in a warm room, where the blinds hid any sign that there was more to life than the school i was sitting in. I was sleeping peacefully on my desk, blissfully unaware of whatever my teacher was talking about... things were perfect. I was dreaming of colors. There was no plot, no characters, no setting... just feeling. It was the type of nap that only comes around once or twice a year. The type where you question if your even sleeping.
I awoke with a jolt like a soldier with ptsd... then i scanned the room as i waited for my breathing to slow down. The room is empty, but i could have sworn that somebody tapped my shoulder. Its as if i can still feel their hand there, as if they only moved away a moment ago... i guess stranger things have happened. I pinned it on my overactive imagination and made my way into the hallway. It was empty and in the simplest terms creepy. The red lockers flashed in and out of my vision due to the light at the end of the hall that was having a spaz attack... that was normal though, me and my friends had even nicknamed it the murder corridor because we figured if there was ever i killer on the loose, he'd want to set the scene....Everything was still blurry from my tired eyes and although i kept rubbing them i couldn't seem to get them out of their murky fog. I've never regretted not bringing my glasses to school more than i have in this moment. Then i heard something shatter... glass? I wonder what broke? I start walking down the hallway somewhat frantically, checking the classrooms as i went by... what time was it? Where was everyone? All the blinds were shut so there was no telling what time of day it was, and there was no way i was going to open them to find out. I don't know why... something just seemed off about the whole thing.
Finally, I'm at the main stairs. Its a big spiral staircase in the center of the school and if you look down you can see the lobby four floors away. I feel stupid, like a little kid who's running form their own shadow....whoever is monitoring the security cameras must be having a blast right now. I shake my head at the idea, causing my long braided pigtails to slap me back into reality... I really hope that i don't get killed... its not that I'm not ready to die, i just really don't want to die with smudges mascara and the same hairstyle i wore on my first day of kindergarten... I realize I'm getting side tracked and start running down the stairs, the pitter-patter of my shoes echoing through each floor as i pass it. 3....2....1
I'm in the lobby. I slow to a walk as a catch my breath and make my way toward the door. The sun looks as though I've been looking for it for an eternity. I cant help but kind of smile at myself, at the stupid idea of there actually being a killer on the loose, at the fact that i fell asleep in class and nobody bothered to wake me up. I open the door and feel the rush or fresh air. It feels so crisp and clean, as if I'm taking my first breath after almost drowning. I take my first step outside only to find the earth crumbling beneath me.
The breeze is now hot with flaming embers in its grasp. I'm trying to cover my eyes.... i cant help but look down... I wish i hadn't looked. The earth has cracked and i can see every layer, the most distinct being the lava below me. The heat is unbearable. The air smells stale and brings the suffocating feeling of claustrophobia to my lungs and suddenly i widen my eyes and realize that these are the colors of destruction... suddenly everything slows and the heat subsides to the point where its tolerable. I look up to see the embers, falling like snowflakes, turning to ash before they hit the ground... suddenly i feel like I'm in grade school again. I'm happy and playful and smiling. The crack has almost closed up and i jump over it as if i were jumping over a puddle. I'm on the other side now, frolicking in the ash... I've forgotten it was ash thou, by now I'm convinced it is snow. It peppers my hair in a way that is gentle and kind... its been so long since I've felt so childish, so free. I look up again and as i do so i stick out my tongue to catch a snowflake...it lands... it burns. I feel the fire creeping down my throat and dropping down to my stomach, I'm being burned from the inside out. I open my mouth, only to release black smoke like a chimney and then begin coughing uncontrollably from the flames inside me. In the distance i see a shadowy figure in the window of the school, their watching me burn... i cant see their face but somehow i know their smiling, i cant feel it. I gasp for air in an effort to save myself and suddenly i wake up...
I wake up coughing like crazy in the middle of class. People are looking at me funny. There's a movie on about the civil war and the teacher has stepped out for a minute. Once i finally get my cough under control my best friend leans in to tell me that I've been talking in my sleep for about 10 minutes, and that they didn't wake me because apparently its bad luck to wake someone up during a nightmare... some best friend... at least I'm not dead though. that's always a plus.... This is the story of my first day of high school... this is how i became branded a weirdo for the next 4 years..
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It's been a long time since I've written here in my blog. I really write writing and somehow it's my way of venting out my feelings, emotions and especially my frustrations. Speaking of frustrations let's talk about my frustration about cooking. So if you knew me for like quite some time maybe way back December 18 or something I've written this blog about living on my own in college and so here I am today still unable to cook a single grain of rice for dinner. We all have that feeling heroic moments when you just suddenly woke up from an 8-hour slumber induced by no sleep late last night due to a long quiz that never happened caused by your teacher feeling like, "Oh, I'm not gonna give a quiz today just cause I don't want to." and think that you could do everything you want to do cause you think you're the most capable being on earth. So here you were, washing some rice, readying for your first ever cooking show and humming to yourself while putting it over your rice cooker. You take out your phone taking the most epic picture possible just cause it's your first time cooking rice and its expected in your country to know how to cook rice at the age of 10 and you're already 18 and ambitious enough. You take this little stroll in insta until you smell something burning and this time it's not your hair. It's your nonexistent work of art. You forgot to add in some water and all you had to do was wait for that rice cooker to just say keep warm!
So College life is going well for me aside from the fact that I had to buy my Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner from the Cafeteria. Good job self! You're going to survive it all so come at me life! *notice the potato sarcasm* So if you're having a bad day out there cause you're crush can't notice you, or your being bullied by someone who doesn't really know your true self at school, or you're bored all the time just cause you have all the time in the world and time is your slave or you're just plain frustrated with life's problems and hurdles remember there's a girl out there that is supposedly expected to capable of cooking rice at the age of 10 and is now 18 but still can't have dinner due to her own clumsiness, negligence plain old stupidity. Don't be too harsh on yourself. We learn from mistakes but for me I think I'm going to learn from youtube since Mum's not here. 😛
Good day! (It's 22:42, but what gives...)
Fate tells me today to expose myself. The reason is... well... I've taken strong conscience of some truths, and now I am here to accept everything (at least part of it until I fall asleep).
Let's see, where to start... How about something light, eh?
First revelation -> This year's Halloween is coming soon, and my costume is so close to be complete, I am ready to announce here with much pride and excitement that I am in fact going to cosplay as none other than Sakuya Izayoi from Touhou Koumajou Densetsu.
Yeh... I'm going to be crossdressing for the first time, and since this appearance (to me) reflects well enough my way of being (just my weird way of thinking, aye?) it's the most special costume to date, for me at least.
Remember my last entry where I stated I was growing a second identity? That did not turn out to be an issue. After long hours of introspection, I decided to accept this side of me (which had slightly awoken last year, curiously...) and embrace every bit of it. I am *nearly complete* again, since I'm still on it.
So, this new part of me is really none other than my dark consciousness. It has all of my dark emotions in it; sadism, vengefulness, hate, and ruthlesness.
I find it similar to poetry. It's beautiful, isn't it? A duality, light and dark in balance, that's how I want to be, and that's my road from now on.
- This is something I only talked about with my closest friends. Loyal readers will remember that at some point I talked about how I lost trust in my ex-best friend. Well, it's inevitable to have those memories come back, eh? I do not feel any regret, but what does worry me a bit is that our common friends really see me differently now, and they used to be my best friends too. I have gladly found replacements.
Lastly, I'll finish with this ( ′～‵) :
My friends mean everything to me. They are fascinating, and extraordinary, and deserve much more than they have. One thing I will not tolerate is carelesness towards them.
I declare one thing : Any who will threaten them, will severely regret it, I no longer fear holding back my grudges or stacked up hate over the years.
The universe is warned. I am small, I am easy to kill, but what I would do for them would be remembered indefinitely.
Very special thanks to them, （⌒▽⌒）
-The inimitable (code names used) : *My companion of adventures *My long-time rival and friend *My real history book *My flaming flower *My binary speaker
*My will to question things *My instinct *My shadow
Done at last. Heck, it's 0:33 now, it took two hours to write this.
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- First revelation -> This year's Halloween is coming soon, and my costume is so close to be complete, I am ready to announce here with much pride and excitement that I am in fact going to cosplay as none other than Sakuya Izayoi from Touhou Koumajou Densetsu.
So, lately bad luck just seems to be stalking me...like a yandere nipping at my heels. Well, now my car won't start. I suppose the silver lining is that I wasn't 400 miles away. Doesn't make the cost to fix it any easier to swallow. This seems to be one thing after another for me. What could happen next?
Guess I am home bound until my husband is done teaching class. At least the kittens are loving this turn of events.
It’s been some time since I wrote here, four months? My presence is fading a bit on AF. But, believe me, it’s been some busy times. There’s been some frustrations, excitements, and of course, some big changes coming my way. I thought it might be fun to share some of that, in case anyone happened to be curious about me (not that I expect anybody to be, but damn, I’d be flattered!) I'm sad to report that all attempts at putting a baby in me have been yet unsuccessful, but heck I’m still trying. I can’t wait to be able to actually break that news for real.
Instead, my latest involvement has been concerning my career, and where I’m taking things from here. Guys, I don’t want to be a dietician anymore. It wasn’t what I signed up for, I just ended up doing it. And although it’s not the worst occupation, it isn’t what I want to do. And I’ve been mulling it over all summer, but I think I owe myself better. I want to take the plunge and shoot for something I love. I need to try and be happy, and I’m feeling good enough lately to put my big girl pants on and do something about it. A few months back, I was offered a job at a dental office, but I ended up not taking it. I just couldn’t see myself back in that position.
I quit my second job. I’m worn out from the unpredictability and I just want to focus on other things. That said, for the first time in like, eight years, I’ll get to work a consistent schedule. And, wouldn’t you know it, I’ve got something lined up. It’s a year or so out, but I am so excited about it I just can’t keep it to myself any longer. I’ve been in talks with one of my brothers (10+ years older than me, grows medicinal cannabis for a living,) and he’s been in the process of marketing himself to some investors. Once he gets enough money together, he’s moving south to start a supply business of his own, and he asked me to come work with him. He’ll even teach me the trade.
Well-paying career? YESS
Something I LOVE? YYYEEEESSSSS
Am I banking a lot on this working out? Possibly. But what the hell, maybe this can be life-changing. What’s not to be excited about? I’ll take the slight pay cut for now. I think I know what’s more important, and that’s my mental wellbeing. Feels good to feel loved. And damn does it feel amazing to break away of my depression for once.
In other news, riding on my good spirits lately, I entered an in-person LoL tournament this weekend, and my team actually placed second. Not. Bad. Not bad at all. The prizes were pretty swell for placing top three, so I’m quite content with the results. I won a new Razer Trinity mouse, Kraken headset (which I’ll probably sell tbh,) some in-game digital goodies, and a cash prize. I even won a raffle prize, which was a TV (ummmm holy sh*t?) More importantly, I met some really awesome people there. Everyone was super cool to each other, and no matter who won or lost, everyone usually came together after their games and gave constructive feedback on their plays. I ended up adding everybody I played against and felt like I made some new friends. Overall, it was an exceptionally fun experience and I’m so glad I got to compete, even if I was the only woman playing.
And now, for the… bad news…
It’s getting cold here again.
I'm getting way ahead of myself I see. Still, I'm hyped up at the fact that as each day passes it's one day closer to Autumn. I can't stand Summer with its humidity and heat, so like a bad breakup I'm done with that season. Bring on the cool, crisp air and colorful leaves because this girl needs her hoody weather! Oh and let's not forget the most important (and my personal favorite) holiday known to man, Halloween. I'm ready to dust off my spooky movies while brewing some pumpkin spice coffee and sitting down under a warm throw blanket, waiting for trick or treaters to come by the house.
So here we are, Panic! at the disco's High hopes MV. Lets get into it, shall we?
Okay, so the video starts off with Brendon stepping out of a car (0:07), well-dressed as usual. His exit from the car is timed perfectly with the music and is the perfect time for his reveal. When first the words "High, high hopes" are sung we can see the camera moves upward and focuses on the sky-scrapers; this makes us think of how high sky-scraper's are immediately and prepares us for the rest of the MV very well, a great start.
The on-screen text fades but not before we see it pass behind Brendon (0:23), this serves better for the camera angle chosen seeing as otherwise we would merely see the tree behind Brendon; simply, it is more aesthetically pleasing. While Brendon sings "High, high hopes" we can see that he is looking upward, again, its the small things that make all the difference, this was very well choreographed.
As Brendon sing the line "I was gonna be that one in a million" (0:32) the shot is just perfect, with the people passing him by right in front of him and the cars and numerous people in the background it really shows how many people their are, yet he is still the main focus of the shot standing precisely in the middle of the shot; perfect.
As Brendon walks down the side-walk we can see him getting shouldered by many people (0:37); we can attribute this to the many hard-ships he has faced (many of which we can see in "Hey look ma, I made it") such as losing his other band members and many more hardships. We can see he is distressed as he turns around because it is written all over his face yet as he continues walking he takes yet another shoulder, this time however he does not look back at all and yet continues walking forward confidently; this shows us that he has taken control, he doesn't care what people say or what hard-ships get in the way, he is doing this. As the lyrics state in "Emperor's new clothes", "I see it, I want it, I take it" and as Brendon said in an interview on said song: "I wanted a song that says, 'this is mine. I do what I do because I feel that its my right. I own this, and I've earned it, and I deserve every bit that I put into this work". This is the kind of transformation I feel like we are witnessing in the music video for High hopes.
At 1:03 when Brendon sings the words, "Momma said, don't give up" he looks upward at the towering building before him, obviously symbolizing the challenges he would have to face in his career; Brendon looks intimidated at first but immediately gets down to it and begins scaling the building just as the Chorus breaks in again, simply fantastic!
The entire scene of Brendon's walk up the building is fantastic, this MV fits perfectly with the Lyrics and is just really beautiful to watch. As Brendon nears the end of the climb he slips and nearly falls (2:13) just as he start's singing "They say its all been done but they haven't seen the best of me", he then conquers the climb and makes it to the top of the building, solidifying his victory and new beginning. Again, just wanted to point out how wonderfully choreographed and performed this MV was, Brendon could honestly be an actor.
After he has reached the top of the tall building till the end of the video (just as the whole video was) is perfect. We can see his logo stapled atop the building, I believe this tells us he was always destined to make it to the top, like his momma said "Fulfill the prophecy" he has done it and accomplished his destiny.
Okay guys, so that was a rather quick and to the point review, I hope you liked it! Feel free to comment below and be sure to appreciate the beauty around you so you will realize just how beautiful your day truly is! ~♥
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Hi to all! Ever heard of the game Black Desert Online? It's one of the most visually stunning MMOs that came out. Recently the remastered update was released wherein the game has been improved on once again.
This MMO is a buy to play game; it means you need to buy one of their "packages" so you can have full access. I had bought the most affordable (read cheapest lol) package they have and so far I am enjoying myself. I hope you get to try it too. I encourage you to give it a try. It's free to access right now until the 5th of September.
Now while I am gushing about this game, like all else, there is no perfect game and there are also flaws that I would be discussing on. If you have some insight, please feel free to share it to me, too.
So here we go. I'll keep it short and sweet. 🤩
Graphics: 3.5 out of 5 stars
As I said above, it is visually stunning, especially now that the remastered update was released. The world (and Black Desert Online is an open world game so you can expect it to be quite wide) is lovingly rendered that you can waste time just admiring the scenery. The characters and costumes are well detailed too. In fact, you can design your character to look like a famous character. This may eat up your time when you're designing your ideal husbando or waifu. Lol
With that said, the remastered graphics will only work with high-end PCs. So if you're using a potato PC (I find that expression cute 😂) then you might want to think twice about upgrading. The graphics can be intense at times too and I find my eyes watering from time to time. 😎
Audio: 4 out of 5
The soundtrack is simply amazing; sometimes I just close my eyes and listen. Depending on the situation it can be relaxing (during peacetime) or adrenaline-pumping (during battles).
Gameplay: 3 out of 5
Battles are dynamic; skills can be done by pressing a combination of keys (shift + right click for example) or you can be assigned to a skill slot (press 1 to throw a bolt of lightning).
Grinding exists here too! Yes, there is no escaping the grind, no matter what MMO you are playing. The good thing about Black Desert is there are a lot of things to do: I go AFK fishing while reading a manga or watching an anime at times. I can go on a joyride on my horse or boat, I can stay at home and cook food.
Quick warning: in-game currency has weight. So your character cannot be a walking storage with a hundred or more silver coins inside the pocket. You have to store everything in the warehouse which is available in every town.
Cash shop: 3 out of 5
Yes, there is a cash shop too. Games need to generate revenue too or else it will close. While Black Desert Online is not blatantly "pay to win" (there is no uber powerful weapon in the cash shop that I can buy with a swipe of the card) there are items, pets, and costumes that can make life easier. Not necessary as you can go by without it (like I do) but yeah who wants to tough it out?
Enhancement system: 2.5 out of 5
Like every MMO game, you need to enhance your equipment. While Black Desert Online is forgiving (your armor and weapons won't go bye-bye if you fail to enhance, but the durability drops) it's still a pain to enhance your gear to the level that you want. Like all games, you have to farm for the materials. Keep a pad of Stresstabs near you.
Story: 3 out of 5
Very linear, rarely any plot twists, can be skipped if you just want to grind but not recommended as completing a certain storyline or mission will give good rewards.
Overall: 4 out of 5
While not flawless, I would still recommend this to all my friends. You can get satisfaction just about everywhere, whether if you like battling against monsters, engage other players in duels, or just admiring the overall scenery and ambiance.
Haha, wow. That was both extremely embarrassing and extremely relieving. Sorry for all of that emotional stuff. I just didn't know where else to put all of that stuff, you know? And I'd rather not delete them since they're a part of me. But now that I'm all cleared up, less emotional, but still kinda there, I feel like I can come back to this. Think things rationally, you know?
And you guys guessed what I'm most likely gonna talk about! And you're right. It's the break up. Big surprise, right? Hehe, just kidding. I guess I should've seen it coming.
After being a total mess for the past week, today marking the day I was dumped, I can say it got better. Just today is not one of my days, you know? Today really took its toll. Its not that I feel like, completely emotional, just ah, well, completely numb. Or half numb. Like you can still feel the pain, but it's fuzzy. Kind of like looking through sea glass.
And the reason he broke up with me was well, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Said he wasn't mature enough to make every decision rationally. And he was right. He can't. and we've been facing that problem since our first fight. It still hurts, though, because I feel like I could have done something differently to change the outcome. Done something more or less of to make him stay. And then I have to remind myself that nothing I could've done would've made him stay, just because he wasn't ready for this. But there's just a part of me that says if I didn't ask him to open up to me, that if I just joked around, things would be different and he would stay. Then I have to tell myself yet again that it would've just terminated the relationship even sooner. I'm not in a good place, and I need to talk to someone. I can't talk to a brick wall constantly.
And you know, that went well for a while. Him opening up. He did that after our first fight, and I thought things would only go well from there. It didn't.
I should've seen all of it coming, but I think I was too goddamn in love with this guy to ever realize that he just wasn't ready, and i couldn't change that. Because I can't just joke around and do nothing. I need to talk to someone. Have deep conversations with people, you know? I just need to talk about feelings with people. And... And I guess that wasn't for him. It wasn't ever for him. And that hurts so much.
But I didn't notice it at the time. I really, really did think things were turning up, and he became what I thought was my best friend. He made me feel so comfortable, so... so special. So safe and secure. I could trust him with just about anything. And I thought he could trust me with anything, tell me everything he wanted and felt like. Especially since I told him to communicate with me, trust me, in the beginning of the relationship, to set a good foundation. So I really did think that he was telling me everything, that he wasn't lying or not telling me stuff that he should be. Turns out I was wrong. And I should have known.
It hurts more because like I said, I trusted him with just about everything. And I felt like that was okay with him, because he always reassured me that he wanted to be there for me. That he wanted me to lean on him for support. And that made me feel so damned secure and safe. But the thing that he said that really sealed the deal was what he said after a fight we had. I don't remember what the fight was about, or what I said, but I remember him saying that, "It's okay. I'd rather have you tell me that you're angry up front than let you build and bottle it up while I stay oblivious." That made me feel like I could really tell him anything. Even the problems I had with our relationship (which, of course, I'm supposed to. It just made me feel even more comfortable). Everything just felt so... so right. He would always say things like, "Hey, I want to help you. Please tell me what's going on," "I'm always here for you," "I don't want you to bottle this all up. It's not healthy." or, "Why didn't you just call me if you're having trouble sleeping?".
That made me feel so happy. It was like someone was there for me after a really long time. Like someone was genuinely there. I didn't feel uncomfortable, i didn't feel like I was pushing myself to tell him anything. And since he told me all those reassurances, I really thought it was okay to lean on him whenever I felt bad, or when my depression had just gone to shit, because no one else was there. I didn't feel like anyone else cared but him. I always asked if it was okay. And he always said it was okay, so I thought it was okay. Big, big surprise: It actually wasn't. And I didn't find out until I asked him about it until after the break up.
He told me he felt like I took advantage of him and his kindness. And that did something to me. I remember hanging up and feeling like such shit, like such a shitty human being. Feeling like I manipulated him without even knowing, feeling like such a piece of shit and wishing I wasn't me, wishing I was anyone but me. I felt pathetic and horrible and crappy. I felt like I hurt him, and that I was the worst person to ever exist. I wished I wasn't so depressed, so needy, so freaking weak, I wished I didn't have to lean on him. I cried for the rest of the time.
I told my mom about it, asked her if i really was capable of taking advantage of someone like that. And... she told me something that stuck with me. She said that he's just manipulating me to make me feel like complete shit because he feels like complete shit. It's silly, right? I don't wanna believe it. I don't want to think that my best friend would do that. Manipulate me to think that. But now, now I'm starting to really think that he did. And that hurts me, scares me. Because now it feels like everything he ever said wasn't true. That he never really cared enough to actually be honest with you, to really want to be there for you, and damn, man. That hurts. Why would you lie to me about caring? About wanting to be there for me?
But that's not the only hurtful thing I found out from that phone call.
There were so many horrible truths - or lies, honestly. Who knows? - that I found out from that phone call.
Another was when I asked him if it was hard, if he still missed me sometimes, he said he didn't know. Damn, that hurt. It hurts when you hear someone you miss so fucking bad, someone you loved so fucking hard, someone you gave so much to hear that they don't even know if they miss you. It's like tearing open your heart with a rusty knife. Goddamn did that fucking hurt. The best part about this? I ask him if it's hard for him to let go, too. If he's scared, just like me. If he's scared to let every single memory of us go. All of the inside jokes, all of the conversations, all of the kisses, all of us, everything that made us, go. Of course, i never said that. I just asked him if he was scared to let go, if it was hard for him, too. And he told me it wasn't He said he was ready to let go of everything. He told me not to be scared, that I should be ready to let go, too. And something about that, man. Something about that just broke me more than everything he said and did. He was so special to me, so fucking amazing and great and awesome and just, God, so amazing. He used to be so good to me. And he would always tell me that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me, and I would say the same thing back to him. And now, now he's just ready to let us go like it wasn't anything. Like we hadn't medicined each other for the past few months.
I guess I should've known that he was ready to let go. That he was just done with us, that he didn't care anymore. He couldn't even face me when he broke it off. He called me. Couldn't even turn on his webcam to show me his face when he broke up with me. I had to ask him to do that for me. I should have known that I wasn't worth that, even though I felt like I was. Especially after everything I went through with him. But I guess I need to just face it - that I wasn't good enough for him. And it hurts to think that.He couldn't even tell me up front. I had to wait a day for him to call it off. And it was because he was tired and didn't want to waste data. I spent data on him all the time so that our calls wouldn't lag out so much (my wifi is absolute shit). God, man. i don't know. I really thought he was my best friend. I shared so much stuff with him. All of my favorite things with him. And I just thought that.. thought i could let every single wall fall down. I felt like we'd be together for a while. Maybe not forever, but a few years. I was that comfortable with him. Everyone thought we would be together for a few years. And.. and again. It's only five months.
Maybe the only thing I'm really good for in relationships is physical pleasure. Maybe that's the thing that I'm built for. My only purpose. Because I clearly can't do the rest right, no matter what I freaking do. Sometimes I feel like my best will never be enough for anyone, because it's just that shit. that I'm just that shit.
I just thought he was really different. But maybe that's because I went to a catholic school, in which I had about 20 other people to choose form that I've known since third grade. But he just felt so damn different. Everything felt so different. And I'm starting to wonder if he's just... not. If he just wasn't.
I feel so broken. More broken than before I met him, more broken that ever. I'm terrified to trust people even more than I already did. I'm more scared that the people I already have in my life will just abandon me. I'm scared of everyone leaving me more, now. More than ever. I feel like no one really cares, or ever cared, except one person. I'm so scared that that one person, that one fucking person will leave me, too, just like everyone else. And I'm just so scared. I'm always so scared nowadays, and it upsets me how scares me - just everything.
I'll continue this some other time. For now, I'm both exhausted and still badly hurting. I'm scared it won't stop, haha. But I have to be strong. gotta be strong for myself. Just gotta be strong.
Hey, so as people may know, if they've read my last (and first post) I have a girlfriend. As such, we have problems that come up and to make it worse, we are a long distance couple and we can't see each other in person much because of transportation issues as of now. For a while, it has kind of been causing both of us stress... and i'm not to sure how to go about this. For me, I want to continue this relationship and all, but it just makes me... stressed. I just don't know how to go about this and such. For whoever reads this shit storm i just typed up, thanks for reading.
I'm back,😄 & this time I will try not to forget about this blog. I do apologize on behalf of my absence for last 2 months, long story short I procrastinated.
So no need to worry I'm still alive, I just want to update you guys on the last two months I've been gone. First, I quit my job, I got a new job as a server at a restaurant. And I'm in summer school for math, I just suck at math in general. And most importantly, I plan on coming back and posting more.
Trust and believe I will be back, Peace. ✌️
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So what I am going to talk about in this blog I think we can all learn something from it. And I don’t really tell people this story but I thought why not as it might be useful for some people. Also this is my first blog so mind the grammar
My life up to midway through high school has just spiralled down to darkness. Yeah high school was very dark times for me. So how did I end up down there I will tell you now. I am not there now so relax
Firstly when I was about 8 I came to England with my family only because most of my Mumzy’s relatives were here also that I could experience better education. I left my country my dad left his parents there and I left my friends there. Of course over time my dad started to loose his temper because he felt bad leaving his parents. But the only reason they allowed us to go so I can get good grades. Yeah that was a lot of pressure I felt throughout my school life. Everyone had high hopes for me.
During my primary school I was the smartest in the class so education didn’t concern me. What really concerned me was I started realising we don’t have much money. Everyone in my school had cool stuff and I felt left out as I didn’t have any. My parents used to say it’s waste of money but I had realised we were on a budget. Towards the end of primary school I realised we live in a council house my dad had troubles with Work and it was low paying. He couldn’t get a good job as they didn’t ‘want to’ accept his foreign degree.
We were pretty poor as our house was squat we didn’t have anything good and etc. This got worse when my Mumzy gave up on Work. There was a time when we were homeless for one day then were given a house.
All this being poor being treated differently and the pressure of getting good grades is what made me switch to the dark side as I started to crave for money. Now I am in first year of high school. This high school was a bad place to be as they were bad people here. This is where I heard about making money through drug dealing. I manage to make friends but not the good ones. They were loyal but they also talk about gangs and drug deal but we were all still ignorant then. This made me peak my interest in gang culture. Overtime us friends started to get our hands on some drugs. Some of my friends were already dealing as they’re brothers was a big shot.
It was year nine when my arrogance was at its peak. Before year nine my parents used to think I was a good boy as I did everything behind their backs. My dad still working hard so I have a comfortable life for good education. But In year nine I started living the thug life. Making Money, looking tough and fame was all I was. Bunking school so I can deal some drugs, smoking in schools field with some of my friends bringing thoes sort of things to school. And one day I went so far to bring a pocket knife to school (don’t ask why). I got caught with the knife and several other things like a vape and liquids and a roll up tobacco. My parents got called into school and this is where I started to realise the things I was doing was bad for me and my parents. In that meeting my Mumzy cried and my dad was dissapointed and upset. I could tell It was in my parents mind that what was my child doing all this time (as they did constantly ask me if I was okay). Also asking themselves How ignorant could we have been. This made me realise the actions I took had a big effect on my parents as they love me enough to give up their own well-being for mine
After that I stoped smoking and dealing and tried to get my grades up as they had fallen below 0. I still hanged out with some of my friends who didn’t smoke or deal but they still were very bad people as they liked to fight and do gang things but they we’re still loyal friends. I still acted like a thug but slowly I had started to mature. I started hanging out with my friends less and less because my uncle gave me soo much knowledge and wisdom I had grown soo mature. I started to see the world differently.
However, The event that completly changed me into a good warm person was in year 10. I was hanging out with my friends In the evening. We were walking in the highstreet and one of my friend saw a homeless guy just smiling at him. Forsome reason that smile of the homeless guy pissed my friend off so he went up to him and started to throw food at him then skittles and encourage the guy to fight him. All the homeless guy did was just smile whilst food and skittles were getting thrown at his face.
I looked at that homeless man and realised how privileged I am. He looked like someone’s dad and he was homeless. This showed me people are in a worse situation then me. I can’t imagine to feel the amount of pain he feels and he shouldn’t get treated like this. I was once homeless for a day and didn’t feel good at all he is homeless for a long time. He is also all alone in the street side not bothering anyone he has nothing nobody he is nothing to the society and he’s just smiling after all that. His face gave a hint of peace something I was not in I have been soo irritated for all my life but I shouldnt have I shouldn’t have hated everything. He is homeless but he is in a better overall mood than me. He does not want to deal drugs make money do other very bad things to smile he is just smiling.
Then my mind had shifted and realised the homeless man was getting treated like an animal by my friend. Is this how we humans behave. Was I really friends with this parasite. That time so much anger and sadness was boiling up within me I just wanted to beat up my friend but i just resisted and just waited for him to leave so after that I sat down next to the homeless man. And we just talked and he was a very nice person. He had more knowledge of everything than me. His life story and his ideals made me cry a little. This also had shifted my perspective of the world dramatically.
After that I was always nice. Giving money to homeless and not in greed with money. I start saying money comes and goes. My dad got a very high paying job though some links and we got a new house. Life In general has improved soo much especially my dark side which, infact I didn’t got into much detail, to a nice person. This also had made me very social. I Made new friends But I don’t think I could ever make as loyal friends as those ones I had. They have also changed a lot but still no to them as they still kind of get in trouble with minor things.
And now I am just trying to keep my parents happy as I have caused them soo much pain in the past. Acctualy everyday I tell my Mumzy sorry and how much i love her. This is because she showed the most sadness and me and my dad don’t talk much.
There was a lot of things I missed out. If this was useful or interesting to you then I might re write it with everything in it and making more sense.
And again sorry for the grammar because I was writing as I was thinking. Soo I don’t forget things.
And yeah this is a conclusion of part of my life. Now I am just living life to the fullest.
Wow, it’s been some time since I made a blog. Things have changed a lot since then, I met new people and made some new friends. And lost some along the way but hey that’s life. Anyway my life has been a bumpy ride, I had a job and got fired. I went to a fan con last year, I had tons of fun!
I also had a crush on someone, we tried it out but it didn’t work. Also someone told me she liked me but I turned her down because I had feelings for someone else. Yeah romance hasn’t been going too good for me. Maybe one day i’ll find someone special.
My mental health has improved greatly since my little incident back in 2017. I nearly died from my own hands but I got help and got better slowly. I still have dark thoughts rarely but I just ignore them. I’m just happy I decided to stay you know. Mental illness effects anyone.
Lastly I just wanted to say i’m happy I found this place, I know i’m not here and don’t post often. I want to work on that since I consider some here friends, I feel they need my time because that’s how friendships can grow.
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So... @SoullessMarshmallow already did an entry on this topic, but thank god it wasn't copyrighted. So here I go.
There was this guy I met online. He's an AWESOME friend, and when it comes to anime we're basically best buds. So I finally met him in real life after discovering that he was in the same school as I was in. So we kinda started talking, but the convo lasted only a minute. Afterwards I literally ignored him and he ignored me too. All he would do was stare at me. Finally, one day I couldn't take it anymore and asked him why he only stares at me but doesn't talk. And he just responded that he doesn't stare at me, but somebody else. Seriously, I mean, who DOES THAT?!
After that we kinda just ignored each other at school but online I was literally telling him EVERYTHING that has been going on with my life. And yeah, we were literally awesome friends online, but in real life... Well, it gets really awkward when he's even ten feet near me.
Then this one day at school I confessed to him and like everyone, and I literally mean EVERYONE, heard my confession. Now I'm literally being laughed at and it's really hard to avoid those guys.
So I kinda lost my Instagram (aka I cannot DM anyone anymore since I use Instagram on PC instead of my phone) and now I got "someone" (*cough* @I.Zara2006 *cough*) to talk to him. Now this "someone" told him that I want to talk to him in school. And... Things got REALLY out of hand. Everyday I'm LITERALLY playing Hide 'n Seek with him after we're done with our exams and everyone's just, like, milling around the campus. This was really embarrassing for me.
After he rejected me I kinda backed out. But now, I feel like I'm not in his "friend circle" or "trustworthy circle" anymore. I just want to be good friends with him. But now, I'm so stressed out about this situation that I CAN'T. THINK. STRAIGHT.
I did not put any "important" details in here, since he MIGHT be reading this. Who knows?
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Ok so maybe we all had been ignored by someone or at least once. Or maybe some people never got ignored ( those who are luck). Sometimes it feels like i am the only person on earth. Sometimes It seems like no one can't even see you!! Or they just don't know you. The reason why i am writing this to tell you all how a person feels when someone ignores him or her. So there a girl who writes about me in her diary. My read her diary before so they told what was going on.... she Wrote that i am weird..ok so maybe i am little bit weird and she wrote that i i have a wicked plan. People just think that i am just annoying! Well sometimes people play jokes and that goes a bit too far. Ok so Once i went to one of my friend and said, "hi whaat are you doing?" She just ignored, then i waved my hand in front of her face but it seemed couldn't see me...
I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST INVISIBLE NO ONE CAN SEE ME! people who are having the same problem i want to say that if someone ignores you should ignore them too! Cause someone doesn't give you credit! You are you no one has to tell who you are!
Love yourself and others who are kind hearted!😊
I've been away for quite awhile, mostly because I don't know what to do with the state of my health. I'm used to being chronically ill, but ever since December I've had acute illness after illness, as soon as one leaves I get another. My lungs still have not fully recovered from the bronchitis I developed before Christmas, even. Just this past week I had a stomach virus, and the very day the virus started to improve I came down with a sinus infection which resulted in my face swelling as if a golf ball had grown in it and I was completely unable to chew food. I decided to stop waiting until I "feel better" to get online, because I no longer have any idea of if or when that will be.
Along with my health there have been a couple other factors that have kept me from getting online, one being that we've started having frequent power outages due to storms, where the power will go out sometimes multiple times a week for 20-36 hours. And, because one of my hedgehogs, Wendy, passed away three weeks ago. It's been really hard. She passed away much younger than expected, most likely due to some hidden health complications due to an infection she had as a baby. I am a person who gets majorly attached to animals, especially my own pets, so it's hit me hard. For the first week and a half I just completely isolated myself while I dealt with the grief. But, I'm trying to push myself to get back out there, because I know it's not good for my depression to stay like that.
However, there is some good news! Five weeks ago my family adopted three cats:
Pooka is goofball who always wants to either cuddle, play, or find some trouble to get into. He's my younger sister's cat and he will wake her up by biting her face, she has taught him to sit on command, he doesn't quite know how to meow but chirps instead, get stuck behind the dryer, tries to jump into the spinning ceiling fan, and enjoys scaring me by running up and wrapping himself around my legs to hear me scream.
Hunk is a sweet big boy, who is largely bonded to my older sister and parents. He's 15lbs and a healthy weight, but on a strict diet because he is obsessed with food and will gorge himself if you let him. After finishing his own serving of food he will search the house for more, often trying to steal the hedgehog's food. While he doesn't like to be held, and doesn't like to be petted too much he does enjoy chin and face scratches. He also loves to sit beside people on the couch while they read or watch TV. He gets scared easily, and if an object is reflecting the least bit of light he will bop it with his paw, sometimes jumping away before bopping it again, until he is satisfied it won't attack him.
Izuku is my baby and I am absolutely in love with him. He is the sweetest darling who would never hurt or scratch anyone. He loves to talk, he's always having a conversation loudly meowing. Most mornings he is my alarm clock. He is happiest cuddled up in bed sleeping with his head resting on my legs, but he also loves looking out the window, sleeping under the bed, or on top of the piano or bookcase. He will come running if I shake the treat bag. He loves to play, especially with his brothers. He will try to coax them to play by bopping or wrestling with them. He has the loudest purr, and getting attention makes him beyond happy. He's such a darling!
Anyways, guys, that's all for now! I hope I can catch up on the forums tomorrow, goodnight!
An assassin has to be Physically strong as well as mentally
in every way. The challenges will be shortend to 5 instead of 10.
This challenge has 3 parts. You fail if only get 2/3 correct.
A dead body is found at the bottom of a multistory building. It looks quite clear that the person has committed suicide by jumping off from one of the floors.
A detective comes, goes to the first floor and walks in the room facing the direction in which the body was found. He opens the closed window of that room and flips a coin towards the floor.
He goes to the second floor and does the exact same thing till the last floor. Then, when he climbs down, he tells the team that it is a murder, not suicide.
A couple went on for their honeymoon trip. But only the husband returned from the vacation and said that his wife met an unfortunate accident and died. The police arrested him saying, “Your travel agent called. You murdered your wife.”
How did the agent know that it was a murder?
Seven men take a trip together before the trip they were invited via cards with everyone's name printed on them 6 came back and 1 did not, 5 of the men did not know who didn't come back however 1 did, why did 1 know and not the other 5?
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Current Anime being watched: Steins;Gate
Genre: Sci-Fi, Romance, Mystery (from what I've seen)
Recommend it? OF COURSE!
It tells the story of Okabe Rintarou a self-proclaimed mad scientist along with his fellow "Lab Members" as they fight an organization in the future (terminator vibes eh), well anyways.. this is a must watch for everyone, though some may not understand it then watch it and you'll understand why I'm saying that this anime is outstanding (you could already understand what I'm saying just by looking at the show's ratings.) There's also some romance, that's pretty awesome if you ask me, though I've already watched the movie and have not watched the series full yet (which is pretty much one of the most stupid things that could happen) but I guess I have a Spoiler Paradox if that's what it's called, or maybe it was just my stupidity cause actually I thought the I was watching the first thing and I really thought that it was a movie, and the thing is I discovered that it was really the last of the franchise.
Rating: 9/10 (I wanna stay true to the MAL Rating, though what I wanted was 10/10, but see for yourself. .
GO WATCH IT!!3 Trailer
Steins;Gate (Spring 2011)
- 24 episodes
- 24 minutes
First EpisodeApr 6, 2011
Last EpisodeSep 14, 2011
BroadcastWednesdays at 02:05
- White Fox
The self-proclaimed mad scientist Rintarou Okabe rents out a room in a rickety old building in Akihabara, where he indulges himself in his hobby of inventing prospective "future gadgets" with fellow lab members: Mayuri Shiina, his air-headed childhood friend, and Hashida Itaru, a perverted hacker nicknamed "Daru." The three pass the time by tinkering with their most promising contraption yet, a machine dubbed the "Phone Microwave," which performs the strange function of morphing bananas into piles of green gel.
Though miraculous in itself, the phenomenon doesn't provide anything concrete in Okabe's search for a scientific breakthrough; that is, until the lab members are spurred into action by a string of mysterious happenings before stumbling upon an unexpected success—the Phone Microwave can send emails to the past, altering the flow of history.
Adapted from the critically acclaimed visual novel by 5pb. and Nitroplus, Steins;Gate takes Okabe through the depths of scientific theory and practicality. Forced across the diverging threads of past and present, Okabe must shoulder the burdens that come with holding the key to the realm of time. written by myanimelist.net
- #7 popularity
- 1108K members
- 102K favorites
THAT'S IT FOR TODAY, SEE YA LATER!
When I watch curtain anime I start to question my life based off of what is going on, like in a anime an MC is portrayed to come out on top in Romance, Action or Fantasy.... But What about in the real world? In the real world everyone is the MC so who comes out on top.... When I think about it I feel to small to make a wave in the ocean of people.... But not being able to does not mean I don't want to but it does mean I think I can't... I wonder why do we continue with our lives when ultimately we don't have any real goals, for instance... You say your goal is to get a medal what do you do after you get your medal nothing changed from you getting it... You say your gonna start to workout to get in shape. Why, whats the point when if you didn't you can indulge yourself more with little affect... Why, is there a reason to continue when a goal you set leads to nothing more... When you feel like your life doesn't mean anything... Anyway just got done watching a bunch of sad anime and these where what came to mind afterwords nothing to serious, right?