I was never really good at this, explain things or better yet speaking my mind.. But I'll do what I always do and give it a go, no matter the outcome if its good or not. I admitting this.. personally been through a lot of hard times that would shock you knowing what I've been through.. No one is perfect but yet some people don't have to go through what I have and are the lucky ones. They don't have to live each day looking at themselves in the mirror questioning one's self if I'm worth anything or do I mean anything to anyone out there. All these thoughts flooding my mind and repeating over and over and it not stopping. Maybe for a moment it does but then it starts over again like a broken recorded player that's stuck on the same spot. Or something like that if it makes sense.
No one whats to feel what I feel every day and no one probably could even handle it to be honest since its so much... pain. Heck I'm surprised I'm still standing up straight after all whats happen to me. Though still confuses me a bit to knowing that I'm still standing after all what I have been through and where I find my strength to keep on going. I really don't know where it comes from to be honest I never figured that out yet. All I can say is I'm broken and many tried to help fix me and every time they get close to maybe fixing one piece of me it shatters and becomes more pieces to fix. So no one bothers no more to keep trying so then I myself have to glue it all back together by myself. Sometimes its half on and works a little again then other times it's not and falls back off.
My heart beats but barely it feels like now a days.. I try though I really do to keep finding a way to remain on the path I need to be on to find the light at the end of the tunnel. But as always something happens and stops me in place and I can't move and the light gets farther and farther away from me and yet again I'm stuck. Alone in the darkness.. I had a tough road for a long time and never been too lucky in finding good things or people in my life.. Really sucks a lot and sometimes unfair.. Maybe something is testing me though to make me go through all this and become much stronger at the end of it. A bit cruel I wont lie but maybe it has a purpose for why it does what it does. I don't really no anymore or think there will be any happy little afters in my future.
Nothing seems to go right no more and everyone I try and get close to something happens and..what ever it was between us is gone.. For a second I was happy and a weight was lifting off me so I could finally breath once more. But then the weight goes back on me and I sink down further and further in the deep dark sea trying to breath and yet again I'm stuck. Even though I'm in..this pain I guess or whatever you want to call it. I still try to give my all each day and show kindness and love to everyone even though I can't get too close since they wont understand me..and the thing I fear all the time will yet again keep repeating and happening to me. So I keep a distance even though I don't want it and want more and to feel.. But again I'm scared.
This year and even a bit of last year been a real pain in the butt if you know what I mean. A lot of crappy stuff happening and happend to me. I guess I'm tough or maybe strong but deep inside I'm not and calling for help but no one can hear me or will listen. I've met a lot of people recently and had moments where it was really awesome and felt nothing no more.. no pain at all. But then again It happens and the once good thing I felt is now gone and I'm left alone in the dark. I met one person though recently that was different beyond words than ANY other person I've encountered for most of my life..
They are beyond words incredible, intelligent, caring and devoted to there loved ones. They also have this passion for life and what they want from it and I never seen that before EVER in my life so far. I am happy I met them and spoke to them and now best friends with them. To be honest other things happened too during the time and even still now. Things seem sucky right now but just sometimes it happens. I care for them deeply the person I'm referring too and they know this or I hope they do. They know how I feel and the also understand me most of all accept me for who I am and all I've been through. I care more than that for them and now its different since things happened.. I wont stop though for what I feel but also always be there no matter what for them.
But my feelings will always be there since well this person changed my life and help me experience things I never thought I would again. So I thank them for that so much beyond words beyond life it self. Maybe that's too dramatic..Heh..well again not very good at this. But true my love for them in both ways will always be there and even if they dont feel the same no more mine will still be there regardless, and will still stand by there side. Hurts but...eh.. been through harder things which I'm surprised again I'm still standing. My main point of me venting and telling this to anyone who reads it.
Sometimes people have to go through hard times, very hard times and they end up in pain like me. They are struggling day by day trying to forget and move on and also learn from what happend to them so they can learn from that and do something different next time. No one is going be perfect and scotch free form bad things happening to them. Some sadly go through them more than others which is terrible. But we need to find things in our lives when that happens or during it to help up stand back up and keep pushing through the pain. It's always going be hard and again some more than others. Find something that helps you and do it. Better yet find someone or others to help lift you back up and put you back on track. For me I did found someone and they help me a lot but in truth can't..show me more than I want since they feel differently or can't. I'll still wait though in case something changes but if not.. They know I still love them like that and as a friend. Since again they changed me and how I see life now. Still not fully sure on what my end of my story will be like but I have them and they have me and that's all I need to focus on now. Ooh.. and not forgetting also to keep on moving and helping others as I always well the best I can and all that. I apologize if this makes no sense to anyone but well again never really good at these kinds of things.. venting i guess or speaking my mind on current thoughts in my head. If you did read this I thank you and appreciate it. So yeah... pretty much it, heh.