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I wrote a entry about myself before about who I am as a person now because of the things I've been through, as well chose to live a better life and leave all that negativity behind me. I'm much happier now as a person since I overcame so much and now on the road to recovery to live a somewhat "normal" life like everyone else. It's not easy I will admit and some days I feel low and doubt myself more and more. "Will I ever have a purpose more to society?" "Will I ever be accepted by others?" These questions I ask myself all the time. I'm really not sure what the future holds for me but I know right now at this very moment I have to take my time and focus on one thing at a time, baby steps my father would say. I'm not the most patient person in the world either even though sometimes I can be but more stubborn like my mother and father so it's hard to just wait for things to get better and myself wishing I could get things more accomplished right now. I have a long way to go for somethings in my life to go as planed and just live my life more better. Or better enough to seem somewhat "normal" like everyone else in today's world. Though who the heck is normal anyway? *sighs* Maybe I just meant like "regular" or something like it. I'm not perfect and my life is different from everyone else's, since everyone is different. I wish it was like others though; a person who can go to collage then finish it and do there dream job, a person who can drive and live on there own, a person who has a social life friends and maybe a significant other. Stuff like I wish I had or could do. But my life is different from everyone's ( always has been ) and I only achieved some of that now. I would really like to get m anxiety under control more and me managing it much better so I could work again and also socialize and meet others. But for now its at a slow start again due to two past months of things going on in my life to make it much harder to remain positive and optimistic. But I never gave up and still fighting and pushing through all of it. I do have support from my family and close friends so that's still a good thing in my life.

But for now I have to not rush things and still continue to work hard to achieve my dreams and living a life I'm proud of and happy with. True, right now I am happy with my life since well I'm alive and still have people in my life that helps me and supports me. Plus I also have made a lot of progress over time and most of all this year, so things are really looking up for me still. Only time will tell now and I just have to keep going and doing my best at it all and keep working hard. I wanted to share this since this is a part of who I am as a person and you shouldn't be ashamed of your self as well even if your life is different for you. Since really everyone has different lives and no one is the same. So just know your not alone in this if you think like myself and you do have a purpose. Everyone will always be different for how the live there life. Be proud your alive and you do have time to achieve what you want to do and don't be sad even if it's a slow process since you will get there. Don't rush things just take it slow and things will work out good for you. Take care everyone and thank you for those who read this or liked it.


Who am I some of you ask. True, I am a somewhat a private person but I wanted to share some things about myself in this new type of entry. Now what can I say about myself.. Yes, I've been through pretty hard and painful trials in my life my close friends know and some others as well. Thus like any human I have doubts and flaws still about my life and where I stand in it. I've never was always this positive or even optimistic towards life or as a person. I used to be very negative, and a pessimistic person who just was frustrated and angry at the world. But I have to say this year has been a big life changer for me and I changed my ways and wanted and choose to become different. ( maybe it was my own tough love, who knows ) It was very hard for me I wont lie and it was a a challenge as well. But I just got sick of all the negativity in my life plus being around negative types of people and just one day got so fed up with it I said no more and just like that left all that behind me, plus some people and  just moved on. Now you may be asking: Why the sudden change and why not way before? My answer would be I felt so low of myself I had no confidence or will and to be honest felt like trash and not worth nothing, to no one. But I found the strength deep inside me with some help from the support of my family and some other people as well to push myself out of this self doubt and into the light of the good things in the world and just shut up and shape up. Not sure how else to describe it, It was just like tough love towards myself. I got so sick and tired of being walked on ( like a doormat ) and treated badly I just wanted to change who I was and not let those people or situations bring me down no more.

Trust, me it is still hard as heck most days  for me and I still feel somewhat down about it. But I got to remember I'm human and we have all self doubt about things and worries. Plus we also make mistakes be we can learn from them and grow as a person and know next time to not keep repeating those same mistakes. So no I'm not perfect nor anyone is. But I've came a long way this year and making so much progress then ever before it's really hard to believe after pushing myself with some aid of others I came this far and a really changed person. What I'm about to say is hard for me and slightly I tend to keep to myself but I want others to know this so they can understand myself as a person and why I changed and now are not letting this bring me down no longer.

I got abused in a relationship and then mentally from a situation online when I was a young teen. ( that's all I'm going say since I was to keep it PG and not break any rules ) Thus plenty encounters with people online and in real life with so called "friends" who said they always be there for me and just leave after a while. Due to a lot of reasons some my own fault I wont lie and I admit. But a lot of there's to be honest and it's been hard for me ever since to find "good" types of people to be friend and have them stay in my life as I would do theirs and always be there for them. Since a real friend would never leave and be supportive through hard times and good times. But that's just me and my opinion about it. So I had a lot of falling outs and people just leaving me in the dark and alone since sometimes they maybe got sick of me and couldn't have the decency to communicate to me so maybe we could work it out or just give some space to each other then work it out later. But things happens and some for reasons. Maybe it just wasn't the best fit in the first place or they needed to focus on themselves more and couldn't be there for me. Which is understandable and I get and most of all respect, though they could of told me in the first place.. Though it is what it is.  But I also found out I got played a lot by people as well. Finding out there fakes and lairs and just really negative people. So sometimes I had to make the hard choice to leave them since I was feeling down a lot and them making  me feel low as them and they were the types who hurt others and just not care for nothing or no one. But sometimes I did try and stay to support them and try to help them but you can only help someone if they want to be help and changed I learned. So more or less I left for my won sake and well being.  

I'm not perfect nor an angel and I always tried to do right by others and still do since I am myself and tell it how it is for my views or opinions about things. I've learned a lot from meeting all those types of people online and in real life and know what I like and don't like and most of all what I want and don't want from others. I truly wish all the best for everyone I really do and hope those stuck in the dark can find help and want to change since living like that is horrible since I lived somewhat like that myself and its not fun or even pleasant. I felt bad all the time and felt so low like I shouldn't even be here no more.. But I found out there is more to life and you just got to push through it and get back up on your feet and keep walking. Life will never be easy nor it's easy for anyone really and some do have it worse off than me or others and truly that's sad and hope that can change for them.. But I know if I can change so can anyone else. And if  they want support and don't have it seek it out since people are out there even if it's only a few do care for you and want to help you. With out my family I would be surely lost as well and again maybe not even here today.. And I understand and know every family is different. True, my family does not know always to help me or understand my pain I go through sometimes but they try even if it's a little it's still better than nothing. I would encourage you to try and talk to your family about things going on in your life and if its getting hard for you I did it was the most hardest thing I ever done in my whole life. Thus then I found out I had mental health issues from speaking up and telling my family. I'm very glad I did and even if they don't get me all the time they still try and are there for me. I am seeking help as well so things in my life are truly getting much better for me.

No there is no shame for asking for help too please know that.. I felt like that at first but then realized it's ok and I want to get better and stop feeling this way since it's not a good life at all, most of all was tired of feeling that way. Thus I want to live life to the fullest even with a smile on my face. Nothing is every going me 100% easy for me nor anyone and still will have off days but I can say I'm doing much better than I was when I was younger and this year. I've been through hard shit and if I can overcome it so can you. So if you see me around the forum being kind to you I truly mean it since I care for others a lot even though I have doubts at times since my trust is low still doesn't mean I don't care for you. Something I am working on though. But I am who I am now because of my past and I'm a much stronger person because of it. I'm just myself and rather be myself than something I'm not. I wanted to share this so people get to know who I am more as a person and maybe understand me better, as well. Please take care everyone and as always sending everyone good and positive vibes your way~


Thoughts #14

Current thoughts:  I really enjoy this forum quite a lot and the people in it. Everyone is so unique and interesting and it really feels like a strong community better than others I've seen. True, sometimes there still bad apples here and there but that's expected due to its everywhere really but so far by being here I really felt a strong connection to the place and feel like I belong and I never thought I feel something that. So thank you everyone who is kind to me on here, I really appreciate it a lot. Lastly I also wanted to state if anyone wants to see any of my art or written work on here please feel free to do so, it would be nice. I'm not the "best" I admit but I practice all the time in whatever I do art related wise. I also do have a ask me thread on here as well in case anyone wants to ask me anything plus get to know me more or even know my thoughts on things /  topics. Again I am knowledgeable to a point with certain things and I'll do my best to answer anything. But if it's to personal then I apologize I wont answer it or answer it fully. So I hope people can respect that since I'm somewhat a private person, but I'll do my best to answer anything. The thread is called " Ask a Sleepy She-wolf " If anyone is curious. Just thought I mention it since all other ask threads are becoming popular and seems  fun to get to know people more on here, so I wanted to try it more myself but if not it's alright and no worries just thought it be cool to share some of my stuff about myself or thoughts on things.

Also I do make graphics in my spear time  ( since I'm a graphic designer ) and if anyone wants to check them out please free to do so. The link to my portfolio is below. I'm still trying to improve my work since I practice all the time.  Also still deciding if after the holidays and start of the new year I'll take requests from people on here if they would like a graphic from me. I'll let you know after the new year what I'll do. 



Everyone on AF~



I wanted to share some current thoughts of mine at the moment I'm feeling, to anyone who reads my entries. ( which I truly appreciate if you do take the time to do so, even if you don't comment ) I suffer from insomnia as well as chronic nightmares due to my past. ( which is all I can say right now about it ) It intensified more after school and it's been a real struggle of mine ever since. All I can say is I have a really strong imagination which is why I'm so creative and have tons of ideas floating in my head all the time if I do any kind of art related projects. A doctor once told me it's a gift and a cruse plus I always thought that as well even before he said that too me. I tried many methods to stop the nightmares plus even sleep better, but sadly a lot of things don't work for me and its more will power to not think about the negative stuff or scary things. I changed a lot though recently to think and even do positive stuff through out the day to help my own self out with this and it has worked most times, but still it's not the best and I still dream the things I fear and they bothered me during the day. Though I fight it best I can to keep being optimistic and not let it bother me. True, it is VERY hard for me but I've over came a lot of things in my life so far and I know I can do this. Even when I sometimes give in I know the next day will be better one. I fight and that's all I can do for now since doctors and others told me there isn't much they can do to help me through this. I feel like Saya from Blood C at times and relate to her quite well. ( plus it's one of my favorite anime's ) She has this side of her that's like me who is kind, sweet, caring, and upbeat plus very optimistic about life. Then there is the other side of her who is strong, fierce, independent, and does not show a lot of emotion and has the will to fight to protect herself and fight those people who done her wrong. 

I'm not sure why I just feel a connection with her I just do. She's trying to find herself and where she fits in the world plus most of all accept herself for who and what she is, or at least trying to understand herself better. Sometimes I feel nothing and am like her then other times I'm that sweet, caring, and optimistic side she has.  ( though in the anime it's different why she acts differently then changes later on ) Sometimes I don't want to feel nothing to help maybe ease my pain, but I know then I wouldn't feel joy and happiness when the people closest to me family and two close friends I have if I felt nothing. So it's a bittersweet thing I guess if that makes any sense.. I wanted to share this since this is something I go through and yet again had a horrible night, though right now feeling a bit better and not letting it get to me. Sharing things to others helps me I found out or at least writing them down helps ease the pain and discomfort I feel when I have those kinds of dreams. I only really remember two dreams I had that I felt at peace and safe. But ever since then it's either a weird type dream or a scary upsetting one that I wake up petrified or even cry. Sounds lame and probably is but its the truth. I hope soon I can fix this problem or find a solution to control it more so I sleep better. But till then I fight. I may lost the battles at times but but I'll win the war, I just know it. Thank you for listening if anyone read this. Please take care everyone and as always sending you all good and positive vibes your way~ 



A new dawn a new day and thus another entry just saying my thoughts out loud. I just want to say I "might" change the way I write my entries for my blog from now on. I don't know I just think it could be better or a bit different since most stuff about me is private since I'm "somewhat" a private person. But it is a good feeling just to share things on my mind at the time to tell my story as well to people since I think blogs are like that, you share things to people about yourself or a topic. So It "could" be different from now on just letting anyone who even reads my blog know this.. All I can say for now is I struggle with mental health issues which effect's me on a daily basis and some days are good and some are not. But it does NOT stop me for living my life to the fullest with a positive and optimistic outlook and even with a smile. I've been through a lot of hard and painful trials as well and I think I'm much stronger from going through all that. I learned a lot and learned a lot about myself and I'm not giving up or giving up my hope for a better future for me. For now I'm just focusing on the present than thinking about what lies ahead of me. By doing things to better myself. For other stuff I have said in the past on my blog it is t truth. But for now I like to keep all the rest of it private and only say a few things about myself on here. Only friends I'm close to will know more about me since it's what I prefer. So I just wanted to state all that first to let everyone know again who ever reads my blog that. Again nothing too much new with me been watching anime when I can, movies, reading my book trying to finish it, and even making graphics. I will have a signature on here that I made myself showing off my work and what I can do soon. Just having a hard time deciding what I want to show, heh. What can I say I have moments where I can't make up my mind, I'm human after all. But really nothing too exciting in my life going on at the moment. Take care everyone and as always sending you all good and positive vibes your way~




Good news my sister and I managed to get most of our Christmas & Winter decorations up around our place yesterday in the afternoon and evening time. ( we bought this really kawaii Christmas tree with cute decorations for it as well and I think it adds a nice touch to our place and fits both my sister and I personally very well ) I do like most of our decorations we bought but I would've liked more around the place, but I guess this season people at stores are pretty much getting all the decorations now and there's barely anything left to get. Unless you go to the fancy type places where there decorations are more pretty and well made but are very expensive to buy. I guess we'll try next year to get decorations more early if there out already in stores, but we will keep trying to get a few more things around our place to make it more festive this month and rest of winter. I have yet to do my Christmas shopping for my family and friends so I'll be trying to budget my money and start that this weekend. I've been also doing pretty good mood wise lately and been staying strong by keeping myself busy more mentally and sorta physically. The physically part I admit I need to work on more, but hey I'm human. I've also deiced to watch an anime on Netflix and probably will take it slow and only watching 2 episodes a day unless I'm really getting into it so I don't overwhelm myself. The anime is called: Little Witch Academia I have though watched the first season earlier this year then towards the end binged watch the rest of it to finish the series. I'm very glad they came out with the second season since I really enjoyed and loved the story as well. My graphic status is going pretty good so far and I'm planing to make more signatures, icons, and maybe a few headers as well. I'm not sure if I'll take requests yet from people so please do NOT ask me to make you something, I will ONLY make something for close friends of mine or just if I choose to make something for a person. So again please do NOT ask me since you will be denied. 

I really can't believe the year is about over now for part of this year it's been pretty good for me by learning a lot about myself and what I'm capable of, but I have to admit the last few months towards the end has been very hard for me and my family. But it's life I guess and things happen for reasons we don't understand or learn later down the line. But very I'm happy that it's coming to a close and my family and I can't start fresh for the new year.  I haven't yet deiced on a new years resolution but I'll probably figure something out later towards the end of the month for a goal to have for next year. So does anyone have any big plans for this month and Christmas? Also does anyone have a goal they want to achieve for next year for there new years resolution? Other than that nothing else new with me just been taking it easy and one day at a time. So everyone please take care and as always sending everyone good and positive vibes your way~ 


This is sorta what out tree looks like. 

Icon: xenonia at Deviantart.com


My sister and I expressions when you finished decorating. 


The second day of December and I still don't have any Christmas decorations up yet in my place. I will tomorrow though be putting them up, I've just been busy with a few things lately. A new dawn a new day and so far it's.. going good for the most part. Some ups and downs but that's normal I guess for some people. Yesterday and pretty much the last two weeks of November has been really hard on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Something happening one after another just felt like a huge tidal wave was chasing me and when it crashed down it crashed hard. *sighs* But it's over now and I'm now moving on from all what happen, even if I'm slowly re cooperating from it. I'm also still trying to find an anime to watch maybe re watch an old one for now that I haven't seen in a while and enjoyed. Graphics are going good been making a lot lately and for some people as well. Still not the "best" at it but I practice all the time to improve. I now have a portfolio website showing all work I've made on Tumblr so if you want to see my graphics then check it out, the link is on my profile page. Hmm.. what else. Nothing too much I've just been keeping busy and also planing out what to get my family and friends for Christmas plus other stuff. So nothing really too exciting. I hope everyone is doing well and as always sending everyone good and positive vibes your way~


Well from the last entry I've been through A LOT and a lot has happened to me but for now going keep this real short. I had to delete my pictures here today since someone stole my work, re did it, and NEVER asked  to use it nor gave me credit for it.. So I was a bit upset seeing that. I said when I did have it up you NEED to ask me if you like to use it at all and also give me credit. I worked VERY hard on it like anyone who makes graphics or other types of artwork, as well. So I was sad that I had to take down my pictures so it does not happen again. Maybe it did happen more who knows.. but for now its not going be on here. If however I bring them back I WILL have watermarks on them even though I shouldn't but I guess I do need to now. My group thing I said in my last entry is not going happen my therapist is leaving due to a very horrible personal issue with her family so I understand  fully she has to go and be with her family at this time. I'ts just sad since she really helped me a lot and was NOT like other therapists I ever had over the years. So she was awesome and she felt like a friend to me. But now I have to find a new one but after the holidays so its just a little stressful right now. Since I have to find a new one and learn to trust them all over again. But it is what it is. Hope that my therapist and her family will be alright and get through there hard time. That's all I wanted to say really.  Mood has been up and down from it so I guess "trying" my best to hang in there but still like all other people it's hard. Take care everyone for now hope everyone else is doing good and it's December 1st, can't bleaive the year is about over now.. *Amazed and excited for the new year and new fresh start again* Sending you all good and positive vibes your way~

\\\Note\\\\: I do have the graphic I've made since I took it off here since I feel now NOT safe to have my work on here due to that. So I do have my proof that it is mine and my work. To the person who did do this please DON'T do this to people its not respectful for those who've worked VERY hard on there work graphic or not and its not right that you take it re do it and even claim it as your own. VERY disrespectful. All people need to do if they like someones work is ASK TO USE IT. That's all and simple I think to do and understand. Also CREDIT them as well since its NOT your original work or yours. So to this person please don't do this again to me or anyone else that's all I ask. That is all I wanted to say.  


Thoughts #8

I was going wait to write another entry in December, but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and things going on with me right now. I had a minor set back again recently with a person and at first I was pretty well.. upset and lost again in my own thoughts stuck in the dark. But I pushed myself to get back up and into the light to continue on my path. Then I finally let it go of it and just said it is what it is and now moving on from it. I had a falling out with them but I hope they will be well and succeed in life doing what ever there doing. I'm not angry at all towards them for leaving and hope the best for them in life since they had to do what was best for them. Still sometimes I think I'm unlucky in finding good friends that will stay and always be there for me but sometimes friendships don't work as planed or even things happen, so then we must go on our separate ways. I've also updated my profile in the "About Me" section on here so if your curious you can take a look at it as well. Then I made a new header for my profile page and blog, plus a new icon on the forum. I'm very happy and proud of how they turned out and I really adore them. What else.. I guess I'm also really trying hard to sit down and watch anime but I always change my mind on what series I want to watch first. I get distracted easily thinking of other stuff to do or even decide to watch. Any tips for starting a anime and what are some good ones to watch? ( like any anime really ) I do have a list of some right now I like to watch  but not sure if I'll watch them right away or try something new. Sorta can't make up my mind, and I feel bad about it.

Other than those few things going on with me right now, things are still really looking good for me still and on the right path on achieving my goals I want to accomplish. Well that's all I wanted to say for now so please take care everyone and have a wonderful week. Sending you all good and positive vibes your way~


Thoughts #7

Thus another entry from me, but this time its full of good news. I deiced to go back to DBT group to learn some skills  again that will help me more with coping and managing my anxiety I have  and struggle with. I only left due to a person who was pretty toxic and was really hard to be around.. ( YES I know that is not good to just leave because of a person but I had to do what I had too and thought was best for me at the time ) True, it is a place to seek help but she was really of the walls crazy and also tried to always give me advice on stuff and I never trusted her at all to begin with. ( which also was very bad advice ) My even own therapist who ran the group said NOT to take her advice and felt a little iffy around her as well as I did. So I told my therapist how I felt more about the situation and the group and she said I didn't have to attend no more if I felt uncomfortable and a bit not safe to be honest.. But again where the DBT group is is a mental health place that helps people out and they're are few people there who are much worse off than me. I understand that and get it. Plus it was a bit weird  since it was just me and one person in the whole group. Never another person to at least make it three people in the group. So.. it's not technically a group per say, I think  anyway and I can be wrong. But it did help me a lot before the new girl came since it was always was a new person for  while then they stopped attending the group. So it was always just one person with me ever since joining the group. Very odd I thought but I guess  it's not for everyone. I hope though it does pick up and more people join it so it would really make a group. Sadly there also is no one around my age or even at least in there teens who I could sorta relate with. All much older folks who are my mothers age. ( no offense to older people ) So when I go to group I sorta keep to myself  but still listen to everyone and try to help out. But yeah going to attend again in December. 

Been keeping busy with things mentally and psychically. Though the psychically part is a bit slow right now. Been just cleaning a lot and keeping my place tidy and nice but I really need to walk my mile walk again sometime. Just so cold in the mornings or even throughout the whole day sometimes. ( since its that time of the year I know I can wear stuff to bundle up but I never really like being out in the cold if I don't really have too.. Though I will toughen up and just go and do it anyway since it is good for me and good to stay fit and active. Other than that just going places as well and walking around that way too. I started to drink some soda pop again and eh.. since it's not the best for me but I drink it slow and only maybe one a week. I hope I don't get bad headaches again since that's why I stopped in the first place before 4 months ago and also just had huge crashes after I drank it. Felt drained and sick to my stomach. I never was like that growing up though but I guess it changed for me at least over time. Coffee probably would wait to try that again for a little bit longer.. I never was a HUGE drinker of coffee but it also made me crash / sick and have headaches too. We will see later down the line. I guess to also end this off is I've been hanging out with family more and speaking to friends of mine as well. I feel pretty good I have support and people I can go and talk too and hang out. But I now that having friends can make you a bit happy but only you can make yourself happy the most. Thus I'm really working on that right now and doing things I love and just enjoying life and living life each day to the fullest with even a smile on my face. So yeah things have been going really great for me  lately and making progress even if its slow still but hanging in there! 

Take care everyone and hope also everyone is doing well in your lives right now as well. Sending you all positive and good vibes your way~


Current mood: "So much happening." 


Thoughts #6


It's one of those days I push through the pain I feel in my heart. I sometimes even still dwell on the past thinking about what I could of done differently to change the outcome of the situation or thinking I should of never met them in the first place, so I wouldn't feel this pain in my soul. But it is what it is and its all in the past. I just need to keep focusing on the now and present and not worry about the future ahead or thinking back as well. It's hard I wont lie but I'm doing my best and I think that counts for something. Right now I'm just getting ready for day once more and hoping its another decent day if not a great one again. Dreams are still on and off bad and good but last night was a bit more calming than the night before. I just got to keep focusing on getting better and living life to the fullest even with a smile or a half smile. I've also stared watching anime again and I'm taking it slow so I don't get overwhelmed by watching it, since sometimes that happens to me. I'm currently watching Toradora! and I'm really enjoying it so far and it's been a while since seeing it last a few years ago. Other than that just going to keep occupied mentally and physically wise today. Maybe read my book again since I've been wanting to read it for so long and even getting it since I had to wait for it to be released, Working out, ( the joys of that (-_-) ) Then also maybe watch a movie again since I enjoy watching movies a lot in my spear time, and lastly make some more graphics for practice and just because I want to, heh. Thank you again who ever reads my entry's of my blog and also who ever likes them as well. Take care everyone and sending you all good and positive vibes your way~ 


Currently mood~


Thoughts #5

*breathes in deep and exhales softly*  I feel clam and content right now at them moment and it feels.. good. I broke down yesterday and even worse last night and yes some of you saw it or I've spoken too for help and advice about the matter. It wasn't my perfect moment and I was out of it and was lost in my own thoughts of the past. But..form the aid of others including my family I pulled through and came out back into reality and just accepted what happened, learned from it, and now moving on from it. It will be tough still and  will also be a slow process but I'm willing to keep pushing and like Dory says: "Just keep swimming."  I really appreciate everyone who has helped me and without there aid that night I'd still be lost in the past overwhelmed with my emotions and once again in the dark alone. I just feel better and clam today, since all the advice given to me makes sense and I just need to let go and move forward in life and not backwards. Sad that the friendship ended and I know I made mistakes and I really own up to them. But I still just wish it could of worked but they had to do what they had to do and thought what was right. I guess I just hoped for a different solution about the matter than what it turned out. But it is what it is. I realized have more support than I thought even though some people I speak to are busy with there lives which is understandable but still when we do speak they listen and try to help all they can for me. I appreciate it so much. We will see what happens from now on and always will keep my head held high and most of all continue on my journey to live life to the fullest even with a smile. Take one day at a time as my father would say. That's all I can do. Eventually I'll get where I need to be.




Thoughts #4

It's hard to describe, I mean really hard to describe how I feel in this moment.. I feel so much powerful emotions and its overwhelming once again, and most of all I feel like I'm drowning. I know I said I'll push through it before and just keep swimming like Dory would say, but right now it's the hardest thing I've faced once more in my life. I think.. I hurt someone real bad and I honestly don't know what to do or think anymore. I feel bad beyond words right now and hope that I can make amends for what I've done. Only time will tell and only time will heal wounds is all I can say.. Confusing matter it was but things were said and things had to be said in the end.. I feel numb a bit right now but maybe its for the best for a while to collect my thoughts once more and re check my feelings and emotions, if that makes any sense. I wish all the best for this person I'm speaking of and never meant to cause so much confusion or even pain with this whole thing.. I've now just got to bare through this pain in my chest for a while, then it will pass and be just a memory like it never happened.. Really for the best I think. Again this is me expressing myself through writing and sharing my thoughts on this blog. Nothing is perfect nor professional, I'm simply just telling it how it is for me..and my current feelings of the matter. That is all for now about this, thank you for listening or reading my entry if anyone did. I very much appreciate it.


Thoughts #3

When I wrote the Thoughts 2 entry on my blog It was a really tough day for me and very overwhelming as well. We all have tough / hard days since were human after all and not perfect or invincible to things.. But I can say now I'm doing MUCH better now and really pushing myself to "hang" in there and just live life to the fullest even with a smile. I'll always have off days no doubt about it but It but I realized I'm not going let it get to me anymore as much as it did when I was younger or even now still years later. It will be a challenge but I think I can pull it off. I guess its like tough love to myself? Or something like it at least.. I know yesterday was a really great day for me. I kept busy most of the day and felt really accomplished form what I've done. Mostly house work and some other little things here and there for leisure activates. But doing my best to remain positive and just focus on the present and not worry about the future for myself. True, I do think of the past sometimes since a lot has happened to me, but getting over it more and just letting it go and most of all moving on with my life. I get help from people that support me such as friends, family,

And other people that do help others like me deal with things. ( therapy ). I've also made progress though with talking to people more and trying to meet people and make friends and such as well. So far so good I think with some minor ups and downs. But I like to also state I really adore this forum a lot and the people in it since it does feel like a big family. So @Optic thanks for making this wonderful place full of interesting and unqic people. Lastly before I end this I want to say I know I have NOT watched any anime right now but doing my best to get back into it since I have other passions I like to do in my spear time as well. I think what I'll do is watch an anime series but only one episode a day to start of with so I don't get overwhelmed. Starting with Little Witch Academia. Guess that's it for now and thank you to anyone who reads my blog or replies to it. Take care everyone and sending you all good and positive vibes your way~ 


Thoughts #2

I was never really good at expressing myself or in control much of my emotions and what I was feeling, growing up and even now. I've been through a lot of stuff and some of it made me the person I am today because of it, the good and the bad. Having mental health issues really does suck and most people the ones your even close too really can't understand it or help you much even though they want to badly and care for you a lot. I'm in pain a lot some days more than others, but I still try my best to remain positive no matter what and most importantly hang in there. Sometimes I wish someone could really get it and understand me fully all the way but not sure if there is such person like that who exists right now. Who knows I could be wrong maybe there is but I've haven't seen them yet or met them. I wish today was a better day for me, since there is so many thoughts in my head right now and its pretty overwhelming to be honest. Because of certain things going on in my life right now. But I have to remember that I got to try and hang in there and do things I like to do to keep my mind occupied. "Just keep swimming." as Dory would say.

I hope things do get better more for me ( for the rest of this year and so on ) and I know a lot of stuff I'm into right now does help me out quite a lot, plus talking to friends and family for support as well. Right now I'm just mostly venting or something like it again for this entry since I'm a bit new to this whole "blog" thing. What I find really helpful right now in this moment is writing this entry, planing out my novel I want to write, reading my favorite book series volume number 3, watching a movie, and playing with my cat Tac. So yeah at this very moment doing my best to hang in there the best I can and just trying and relax for the rest of the day. I also will eventually get into more anime and also watch anime but just doing my other passions I love to do first at the moment.  Lastly I'm very happy to have my best friend be there for me at this time today even though they can only do so much for me. So I really appreciate them very much beyond words and happy I have them in my life and they support me and give me advice if I need it as well. Thank you as always my dearest friend you mean the world to me. ( you know who you are ) <3 


Thoughts #1

I was never really good at this, explain things or better yet speaking my mind.. But I'll do what I always do and give it a go, no matter the outcome if its good or not. I admitting this.. personally been through a lot of hard times that would shock you knowing what I've been through.. No one is perfect but yet some people don't have to go through what I have and are the lucky ones. They don't have to live each day looking at themselves in the mirror questioning one's self if I'm worth anything or do I mean anything to anyone out there. All these thoughts flooding my mind and repeating over and over and it not stopping. Maybe for a moment it does but then it starts over again like a broken recorded player that's stuck on the same spot. Or something like that if it makes sense. 

No one whats to feel what I feel every day and no one probably could even handle it to be honest since its so much... pain. Heck I'm surprised I'm still standing up straight after all whats happen to me. Though still confuses me a bit to knowing that I'm still standing after all what I have been through and where I find my strength to keep on going. I really don't know where it comes from to be honest I never figured that out yet. All I can say is I'm broken and many tried to help fix me and every time they get close to maybe fixing one piece of me it shatters and becomes more pieces to fix. So no one bothers no more to keep trying so then I myself have to glue it all back together by myself. Sometimes its half on and works a little again then other times it's not and falls back off.

My heart beats but barely it feels like now a days.. I try though I really do to keep finding a way to remain on the path I need to be on to find the light at the end of the tunnel. But as always something happens and stops me in place and I can't move and the light gets farther and farther away from me and yet again I'm stuck. Alone in the darkness.. I had a tough road for a long time and never been too lucky in finding good things or people in my life.. Really sucks a lot and sometimes unfair.. Maybe something is testing me though to make me go through all this and become much stronger at the end of it. A bit cruel I wont lie but maybe it has a purpose for why it does what it does. I don't really no anymore or think there will be any happy little afters in my future. 

Nothing seems to go right no more and everyone I try and get close to something happens and..what ever it was between us is gone.. For a second I was happy and a weight was lifting off me so I could finally breath once more. But then the weight goes back on me and I sink down further and further in the deep dark sea trying to breath and yet again I'm stuck. Even though I'm in..this pain I guess or whatever you want to call it. I still try to give my all each day and show kindness and love to everyone even though I can't get too close since they wont understand me..and the thing I fear all the time will yet again keep repeating and happening to me. So I keep a distance even though I don't want it and want more and to feel.. But again I'm scared.

This year and even a bit of last year been a real pain in the butt if you know what I mean. A lot of crappy stuff happening and happend to me. I guess I'm tough or maybe strong but deep inside I'm not and calling for help but no one can hear me or will listen. I've met a lot of people recently and had moments where it was really awesome and felt nothing no more.. no pain at all. But then again It happens and the once good thing I felt is now gone and I'm left alone in the dark. I met one person though recently that was different beyond words than ANY other person I've encountered for most of my life..

They are beyond words incredible, intelligent, caring and devoted to there loved ones. They also have this passion for life and what they want from it and I never seen that before EVER in my life so far. I am happy I met them and spoke to them and now best friends with them. To be honest other things happened too during the time and even still now. Things seem sucky right now but just sometimes it happens. I care for them deeply the person I'm referring too and they know this or I hope they do. They know how I feel and the also understand me most of all accept me for who I am and all I've been through. I care more than that for them and now its different since things happened.. I wont stop though for what I feel but also always be there no matter what for them.

But my feelings will always be there since well this person changed my life and help me experience things I never thought I would again. So I thank them for that so much beyond words beyond life it self. Maybe that's too dramatic..Heh..well again not very good at this. But true my love for them in both ways will always be there and even if they dont feel the same no more mine will still be there regardless, and will still stand by there side. Hurts but...eh.. been through harder things which I'm surprised again I'm still standing.  My main point of me venting and telling this to anyone who reads it.

Sometimes people have to go through hard times, very hard times and they end up in pain like me. They are struggling day by day trying to forget and move on and also learn from what happend to them so they can learn from that and do something different next time. No one is going be perfect and scotch free form bad things happening to them. Some sadly go through them more than others which is terrible. But we need to find things in our lives when that happens or during it to help up stand back up and keep pushing through the pain. It's always going be hard and again some more than others. Find something that helps you and do it. Better yet find someone or others to help lift you back up and put you back on track. For me I did found someone and they help me a lot but in truth can't..show me more than I want since they feel differently or can't. I'll still wait though in case something changes but if not.. They know I still love them like that and as a friend. Since again they changed me and how I see life now. Still not fully sure on what my end of my story will be like but I have them and they have me and that's all I need to focus on now. Ooh..  and not forgetting also to keep on moving and helping others as I always well the best I can and all that. I apologize if this makes  no sense to anyone but well again never really good at these kinds of things.. venting i guess or speaking my mind on current thoughts in my head. If you did read this I thank you and appreciate it. So yeah... pretty much it, heh.