In any case, now that I’m much better and have more anime watched and manga read I think I’d like to turn this blog into more rambling about that stuff rather than my personal life. But if it’s of interest to anyone, I’m much better now. I just spent a week with my partner and am on track for graduation, my friendships are all stable, so on and so forth.

I’m expecting to finish the ACT early, so in the time that I’ll have to wait for others to finish I have lots of manga to read and finish. Fruits Basket omnibus, Saekano, Konosuba, Love Hina, Kuruyuri Apt, Negima, Vampire Bund, and the Accel World ln.

I read pretty fast, so I brought lots. I’ll make another entry later once I’m done.

finished the perks of being a wallflower, that book is the first to make me cry i believe. and it changed me, which some people would probably find funny but it made me think that i wanna live a lot longer. i really do see myself in charlie. i’m re-reading it after taking a three day break and i’m already back at page 19, i ate a mango while i read and realized mangoes are my favorite fruit. on the topic of ‘consuming media’, i am reading volume 1 of happy lesson. it’s okay, it’s another harem with an odd premise. i was watching to loveru over winter break but haven’t picked it back up. i’ve sort of pushed anime away because i’ve become really sad lately, but tonight after i finish part 1 of the perks of being a wallflower i’ll get back to it.

for a blog on an anime forum i have yet to really talk about anime. my tastes are weird. i feel embarrassed talking about them because some of my friends think i’m odd. i watch a lot of anime for moe, which most of the time end up being ecchi and that is quite literally out of my control. it’s something to turn your brain off to, if i want to think then i’ll watch something that forces me to. i haven’t watched a truly thought-provoking anime since NHK ni youkoso, or enjoyed anything thought-provoking til the perks of being a wallflower.

my favorite movie is donnie darko, i want to watch it again but i don’t know any movie piracy sites and i can’t get the HBO max password from my sister. so i’m just sad, because i really like that movie and it means a lot to me. jake gyllenhaal is my favorite actor, i believe he was 19 when he played donnie and really his appearance hasn’t changed much since, and i like how he looks because i think if you didn’t know jake gyllenhaal was an actor he’d just be a normal guy to you. i like when people just look normal, i usually find normal looking people to be the most beautiful someone can be.

listened to a lot of new artists lately. the cocteau twins are very good, i started off hearing one song from head over heels and then i decided i’d find time to go through their discography album by album, i forgot i like music like that. some bands i listen to are just more songs into my spotify liked, and then some are songs and albums i actively seek to listen to in moments.

i did end up telling that girl i like her, but did it in the most horrific way possible. the circumstances as to why i told her are messy and a lot. but since the one time i did confess to someone was when i was 11, i’ve never learned how to do better than how an 11 year old could confess romantic interest. sometimes i feel like i’ve only just begun maturing. i looked at my shoes the entire time, scratched the back of my head, and said “i like-like you.” and meant it, because that’s the only way i know how to confess. i told her why i was telling her, she told me it was okay and to not rush anything, and i said okay and walked away from her without doing anything else.

i’m scared to see her today, i hope she keeps cuddling me. if she still does then she might be into autism.

this is all for now, this is a whole bunch of nothing but it’s more for you to read.

for the new session we’re reading ‘the perks of being a wallflower’ in my literacy, i found that i really like that book. i kept reading it throughout the day and even tonight i ended up getting to the second part. i bookmarked it and decided to save it for tomorrow. i think it’s relatability, charlie is really like me and ive never truly thought that a character is ‘just like me’. it made me think about how much ive experienced since starting highschool which, if i went through in an entry would be too much, and too personal. i did not know school or life in general could be so overwhelming and miserable.

one thing i could talk about is friends, i didnt make friends until december of my freshman year. i met frank, and then i met more. and since then ive kept meeting and learning to truly love people. ive been the most emotional ive ever been in my life in my teenage years, of course i cried as a child and pre-teen, but the rage and the pain and the love and everything ive felt these past three years is something else, man. ive tried new things, some stuff i look back on and feel empty or upset, some stuff i wish i could feel and be in over, and over, and over.

i realize yesterday i might like this girl at my school who always cuddles up to me, she rests her back against my chest and i wrap my arm around her, she holds my hand and says nonsensical things that i smile at and say back to her, she’s really weird and nerdy. we have a DND seminar at my school and since the space where all my closer friends were sitting in was too crowded i sat beside her and things ended up like that. my friend thalia thinks she might like me back, but out of desperation. i dont like that, so it made me reconsider but you cant help feeling things regardless.

i’ve only had 4 genuine crushes my entire life and only two ended up in relationships. first time round was actually at the beginning of middle school with my friend who had moved far, far away. but we were pen pals and i felt like i wanted to be with him still, and make promises that werent verifiable at the time. it was fine, i just dont think we were old enough to be responsible lovers to each other, and he’s still my friend to this day.

the second time round was bad, with lasting effects, but i wouldnt call it traumatic. it was actually when me and my friends from my old school came to this one after it shut down over the summer, 6 or so months ago. i was still raw emotionally, and knew nobody besides my friends who came with me to this school, so as i slowly began to spend time around this guy, i eventually talked to him over discord. we maintained friendship for two weeks before he confessed to me and i guess i subconsciously had a crush on him, asked him to let me think about it and when i was told he was impatient i caved. lasted one week, then in november we got back together. lasted three weeks that time.

without more, i learned because of that person that not everyone is a good person. i used to think that everybody was kind-hearted, that of course evil people and the untrustworthy existed but not bad people. he made me realize that’s naive thinking, and that bad people walk amongst us all the time. some bad people dont know theyre bad people, bad people could stop being bad people, some people know theyre bad people yet dont know how to change. or worse, they dont want to. just like that guy.

regardless, i dont hate the guy. what happened between us is odd to me, i think i needed that realization anyway, maybe not necessarily in the way i came to it but i needed it. i dont understand harboring hatred and so ive let go of all my feelings, including the love i held for him.

and so now there’s this girl, and i dont know. i guess im going see where it goes. i dont know if im ready for another relationship even though im over him, it just would feel odd to be with someone all of a sudden. i dont want to bring it up with her because im shy, so if she feels something i hope she says something before i make myself.

that’s all for today, i didn’t think i’d talk a bit about my romance life but i think this is supposed to be normal experimentation for someone my age, other people at my school are more raunchy but i like to just love someone, i guess, i love all my friends lots and loved/love all those people i mentioned like-liking.

this school man. the curriculum isnt made for somebody like me. two sessions now have i submitted incomplete or lackluster projects, usually in the face of something negatively impacting me and slowing my progression. with everything else i preform just fine, my math, my literacy, i even took it a step up this time and completed my seminar project. however, despite my PBL project being based around anime production and merchandise which im genuinely passionate for and look into often, i couldnt bring myself to do anything but complete the script.

promised my advisor id do it all over winter break but all i could do everyday was write one more sentence into the script rather than record my video. yesterday, my mother asked me ‘just how much do you like your school?’. shrugged, said im doing just fine, that my friends are here and i wanted to stay. its because were lookin into new housing and i suggested by my school, but her idea was in the city where her workplace is located, where ive got no connections at all.

got motives to not wanna stay at the school, but i still have plenty of friends here that i want to stay with. so i want to try and adapt to the curriculum and learn to enjoy the environment, i have several social anxiety and cant properly interact without pre-existing connections to support me. it makes me nervous, but i have hope the places she applied to by my school approve us.

on the brightside, i get to go to school and see my friends again. missed them all more than i could express in a blog post, what goes on in my mind is best expressed on pen and paper.

thats it for this entry, cant wait to go back to school and see my friends. have you ever missed someone so much you thought you could faint? im very familiar with the feeling, i hold a lot of love for my friends.

but it is the new year, it feels weird to know im growin up and that time is passing. i dont like the passage of time, but its only natural. dont you wish you could stay in one moment for longer than it lasted?

im not fortunate, so all the gifts i got my in-person friends are snacks. but i am pairin them with notes. i have friends who live out of state, or attend different schools, on the net, so unfortunately those people can only be given text messages. but i hope the heart in my words has an impact on everyone.

wish i was more fortunate, try to give what is deserved, only give what i can, and what i can aint much.

the other night my mother made gumbo for dinner and so today’s meals consisted of the leftovers, which is fine since it was tasty. my buddy got me spotify premium for christmas but i havent been puttin it to use, so im gonna try and just stay outta calls so i can listen to music more often.

guess that’s it for this post, happy new year, enjoy yourselves.

decided to start my day off with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and some green tea. im really big on green tea, i only drink that and water. my tummy can’t handle soda or juice unless i water it down.

the pbnj was nothing special, toasted wheat bread and spread raspberry jelly on one slice, and peanut butter from peanut butter n co on the other slice. that stuff is really tasty, but expensive. was lucky when me and my ma went to cub’s and it was on sale. pbnj is one of my favorite foods, i really like simple food like that. i tried a turkey pinwheel the other day and that might have become one of my favorite foods as well, more filling than i expected and it was nothing overwhelming.

it is incredibly foggy out today, its beautiful. when it comes to weather i have always preferred cold and gloomy. sunny weather is nice, i like bein able to see the sky and all the clouds up there. but if i could bask in snow and rain for more than just winter? id always be at peace.

i listened to my darkest days for the first time since middle school this morning, my music taste has developed a lot since that point. i began listening to fear before the march of flames right after and the difference is off putting, there’s a different in passion i suppose. i believe anyone who makes music regardless of the sound is at least a bit passionate about the art, but it takes somethin else to create art with substance and emotion. fear before is one of my favorite bands, the first song i heard was as a result of singals being crossed and i fell in love with the sound. that entire album, the always open mouth is a post-hardcore masterpiece and one of my favorite albums to come from the genre.

ive listened back on the album many times and always found appreciation for each individual song over and over again. i had no clue my (fucking) deer hunter featured vocals from the anthony green of circa survive and saosin. that is seriously huge.

i like when bands and musicians collaborate like this, subtly or not. ive seen it most in the post-hardcore, midwest emo, and nu-metal scenes but i dont doubt it exists in other spaces obviously.

was forced to tag along with my ma today to the nail parlor in exchange for a trip to the thrift store in the same area. however, its a spot that someone i used to be close with frequents, so i was anxious the entire time. but i really need new clothes and it can’t be helped when it comes to necessities. he wasnt there, i picked up two shirts and was out within 7 minutes.

we also went to marshalls where i got a ghostface t-shirt and a sweater, it was generally a success. i got a bag of chocolates that im gonna split in ziplocks for my friends at school, they have marshmallows and caramel in them. cant afford much since im not working yet and my family doesnt have high income so i hope they accept the chocolate as a gift.

get to head home now. try on my new clothes, maybe watch a few episodes of to loveru, put something in my system and maybe get on a call with some friends of mine. also need to do some sketching today, been teaching myself how to fill up an entire page with one big drawing and it’s been goin okay so far. just need to figure out my style and i’ll be set.

yesterday i hung out with three of my closest friends. we spent most of the day at karm’s house, then headed to the mall for about an hour before i got dropped off home. brody came all the way out of state to hang out with us and thats a thought that makes me smile.

karm has four cats and theyre all so fuckin cute, one of them was a bit of a prick though. always hissed and he wouldnt let me get close but that little fucker was still adorable as could be.

we really spent the entire time talking. i took a nap on his couch, and watched them play marvel rivals before gerson went home and the night went on. at the mall, karm got ripped off on a chocolate bar. 4 dollars for one chocolate bar. while brody was getting a massage at this massage place on the other end of the mall.

the mall we went to is kind of a shithole, id been there twice before, once with my sister and her girl when we initially moved out here, and second with brody, gerson, and eli in october.

regardless of its quality, it holds good memories because ive now been there twice with my bestest friends. those guys mean the world to me. i might set up a list on this blog which features the names of all those i hold in my heart. its somethin ill think about.

that is all i have for today, i cant gauge how often ill be making entries in this blog. do have a friend who’s interested in readin it though, so ill try to keep makin entries for him to read.