Hello everyone! I know it's been a while since I've posted, but for the past week, I couldn't get this off my mind.
So, I can't stop thinking about this guy.
And, that's absolutely crazy for me. Like, how can I possibly be thinking about a guy I met just last week?! Well, um, I mean we text everyday. Often. And it's not even me who texts him first! And um, well, we talk for a while. At least an hour everyday. Nice chats. Very nice chats. He's really funny, and he offers to help me with homework when he learned that my school's curriculum is extremely behind in math. He once tried to convince me to go attend public school (he currently attends one), or even switch this year, and he's fun to text. He's not bothersome, he seems mature, and he gets my sense of humor (as eccentric as it may be). He sounds really smart, and from the short amount (or perhaps long?) of time that we've talked, it seems that he tries to give different views for different situations, and I'm not sure... AGH! I don't know how to handle this T_T
It's been... a while since someone drove me this crazy. I don't even know if I like him! I mean, maybe I do since I think of him often? but I mean, I think of my friends often too! But I mean, I can't possibly like him since we've known each other for just a week! That's insane! I'm Insane! Oh god, what if he actually thinks I'm insane? Oh my gosh how do I handle this?
Okay okay, maybe I should give some backstory.
We met through a mutual friend during an orchestra rehearsal last Saturday, and we exchanged snapchats, League accounts, and phone numbers after the concert. He texts me everyday without fail, and everyday, we talk for at least an hour. Well, at least for the past week. And he's almost all I can think about. And I'm pretty sure I'm insane, because it's just insane to be thinking about a guy I've only met for a week. He teases me for my height, and asks me to play League, and it's really nice and I'm not sure how to handle it.
But last night, I think I really screwed its up.
We were talking again, not a big surprise. And he started teasing me for my height again, and of course, I get super tsundere when people do that. Then he said,
"So this is the tsundere personality you told me about in All County, huh?"
And like the idiot I am, my brain just LEFT ME and I said something really stupid.
"Well, I'm not actually a tsundere."
LIKE WHAT YES I AM A TSUNDERE WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF.
and then we went on a huge conversation about how he thought fort the last week I've been pranking him that I was a tsundere by acting like a tsundere when I actually acted like how I would usually act. And then he started to say things like "Wait, so then you must like it when I tease you, right?" And then I panicked, I told him I was going to bed, and the last thing I saw him write was, "SO YOU SLEEP TO AVOID YOUR PROBLEMS" And I have no idea if he was joking or not, but I know he didn't mean to be mean, just blatantly realistic, and uh, yeah. Like, I feel like maybe.. oh god how do I explain this?
Well, he's not necessarily wrong that I do sleep to avoid a lot of my problems, which, I know, isn't a healthy decision, but what I'm hoping is that I'm worried he's beginning to see through me when I know nothing about him? Maybe I'm just really bad at being supportive, or I just suck at trying to get to know people in real life.. I think I'm worried I'm going to have to open up, but technically, I'm the only one who can make myself open up, but if he actually sits me down today and asks me about my sleeping habits honestly and really wants to know what's going on with me, I don't want to lie either, so do I cover it up for now or do I just let it all spill out? But maybe he'll just find me weird if I tell him about everything, but I was planning on just opening up little by little, and this is really overwhelming me and I'm probably just overthinking everything, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point except overthink because he's just.. No, that's actually impossible. I've only known him for a week, and I can't possibly like someone who I've only known for a week. He probably thinks I'm insane and weird - no, he definitely thinks that. Oh god, I just messed it up for myself.
I'm just so worried, you know? it's been such a long time since this has happened to me, and the last time I let my feelings out there, it just led to a really unhealthy relationship. I forced myself to open up and do everything to please my partner, but I just ended up destroying myself and all of my relationships. I... I want to change, and I always thought I grew from that situation. But now that I'm thrown back into this crazy rollercoaster again, am I doing the right thing? Am I forcing to do things I don't want to? Am I forcing this guy to do things he doesn't want to? Do I feel comfortable? Have I really changed? I know I've only known him for a week, but, I get really cautious when anyone - may it be potential partners, new friends, or old friends who're trying to get close with me again - try to open me up. It's stressful, and I don't want to go down the same unhealthy road once more. One time was enough. I don't need to do it again, and I don't want to bring someone along with me.
I think I'm also scared that if I do open up, he'll either abandon me completely and never talk to me, or he stays and he tries to help. I'm scared of the only two possibilities that could happen, because if he just books out (which, I wouldn't blame him for. He has his own problems to take care of), it'll take forever for me to get over it, and it'll always be in the back of my mind how I'm just a stupid girl who's looking for people to dump her problems on. but if he stays, I'm just gonna drag him along on this insane road of my stupid problems and my slowly deteriorating mental state. And It might affect him too.
Either road is a bad road, because I'm still very selfish. And I don't even know if I'm ready for a relationship again. Will I be able to handle the responsibility of being someone's girlfriend again? I don't even know if he's ready for a relationship. Maybe we're still just immature children looking for someone to accept them for who they are. Maybe we're just meant to be friends and support each other in the long run. Maybe this is a one time thing I get for still hanging in there. Maybe this is the last time we'll talk and I'll never actually see or talk to him again. Maybe he really does think I'm a weird, eccentric girl. Maybe he thinks I'm the weirdest girl he's met. I'd definitely think that if I met me. Maybe he doesn't care for me at all, and I'm just an afterthought to text when he has no one else to text.
But maybe, even though I've known him for only a week, maybe things could happen. Maybe healthy things could happen. Maybe this could become something.
I mean, he's not a bad person, so it's not entirely impossible. Right?
I mean, I guess I kinda like him.