Haha, wow. That was both extremely embarrassing and extremely relieving. Sorry for all of that emotional stuff. I just didn't know where else to put all of that stuff, you know? And I'd rather not delete them since they're a part of me. But now that I'm all cleared up, less emotional, but still kinda there, I feel like I can come back to this. Think things rationally, you know?
And you guys guessed what I'm most likely gonna talk about! And you're right. It's the break up. Big surprise, right? Hehe, just kidding. I guess I should've seen it coming.
After being a total mess for the past week, today marking the day I was dumped, I can say it got better. Just today is not one of my days, you know? Today really took its toll. Its not that I feel like, completely emotional, just ah, well, completely numb. Or half numb. Like you can still feel the pain, but it's fuzzy. Kind of like looking through sea glass.
And the reason he broke up with me was well, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Said he wasn't mature enough to make every decision rationally. And he was right. He can't. and we've been facing that problem since our first fight. It still hurts, though, because I feel like I could have done something differently to change the outcome. Done something more or less of to make him stay. And then I have to remind myself that nothing I could've done would've made him stay, just because he wasn't ready for this. But there's just a part of me that says if I didn't ask him to open up to me, that if I just joked around, things would be different and he would stay. Then I have to tell myself yet again that it would've just terminated the relationship even sooner. I'm not in a good place, and I need to talk to someone. I can't talk to a brick wall constantly.
And you know, that went well for a while. Him opening up. He did that after our first fight, and I thought things would only go well from there. It didn't.
I should've seen all of it coming, but I think I was too goddamn in love with this guy to ever realize that he just wasn't ready, and i couldn't change that. Because I can't just joke around and do nothing. I need to talk to someone. Have deep conversations with people, you know? I just need to talk about feelings with people. And... And I guess that wasn't for him. It wasn't ever for him. And that hurts so much.
But I didn't notice it at the time. I really, really did think things were turning up, and he became what I thought was my best friend. He made me feel so comfortable, so... so special. So safe and secure. I could trust him with just about anything. And I thought he could trust me with anything, tell me everything he wanted and felt like. Especially since I told him to communicate with me, trust me, in the beginning of the relationship, to set a good foundation. So I really did think that he was telling me everything, that he wasn't lying or not telling me stuff that he should be. Turns out I was wrong. And I should have known.
It hurts more because like I said, I trusted him with just about everything. And I felt like that was okay with him, because he always reassured me that he wanted to be there for me. That he wanted me to lean on him for support. And that made me feel so damned secure and safe. But the thing that he said that really sealed the deal was what he said after a fight we had. I don't remember what the fight was about, or what I said, but I remember him saying that, "It's okay. I'd rather have you tell me that you're angry up front than let you build and bottle it up while I stay oblivious." That made me feel like I could really tell him anything. Even the problems I had with our relationship (which, of course, I'm supposed to. It just made me feel even more comfortable). Everything just felt so... so right. He would always say things like, "Hey, I want to help you. Please tell me what's going on," "I'm always here for you," "I don't want you to bottle this all up. It's not healthy." or, "Why didn't you just call me if you're having trouble sleeping?".
That made me feel so happy. It was like someone was there for me after a really long time. Like someone was genuinely there. I didn't feel uncomfortable, i didn't feel like I was pushing myself to tell him anything. And since he told me all those reassurances, I really thought it was okay to lean on him whenever I felt bad, or when my depression had just gone to shit, because no one else was there. I didn't feel like anyone else cared but him. I always asked if it was okay. And he always said it was okay, so I thought it was okay. Big, big surprise: It actually wasn't. And I didn't find out until I asked him about it until after the break up.
He told me he felt like I took advantage of him and his kindness. And that did something to me. I remember hanging up and feeling like such shit, like such a shitty human being. Feeling like I manipulated him without even knowing, feeling like such a piece of shit and wishing I wasn't me, wishing I was anyone but me. I felt pathetic and horrible and crappy. I felt like I hurt him, and that I was the worst person to ever exist. I wished I wasn't so depressed, so needy, so freaking weak, I wished I didn't have to lean on him. I cried for the rest of the time.
I told my mom about it, asked her if i really was capable of taking advantage of someone like that. And... she told me something that stuck with me. She said that he's just manipulating me to make me feel like complete shit because he feels like complete shit. It's silly, right? I don't wanna believe it. I don't want to think that my best friend would do that. Manipulate me to think that. But now, now I'm starting to really think that he did. And that hurts me, scares me. Because now it feels like everything he ever said wasn't true. That he never really cared enough to actually be honest with you, to really want to be there for you, and damn, man. That hurts. Why would you lie to me about caring? About wanting to be there for me?
But that's not the only hurtful thing I found out from that phone call.
There were so many horrible truths - or lies, honestly. Who knows? - that I found out from that phone call.
Another was when I asked him if it was hard, if he still missed me sometimes, he said he didn't know. Damn, that hurt. It hurts when you hear someone you miss so fucking bad, someone you loved so fucking hard, someone you gave so much to hear that they don't even know if they miss you. It's like tearing open your heart with a rusty knife. Goddamn did that fucking hurt. The best part about this? I ask him if it's hard for him to let go, too. If he's scared, just like me. If he's scared to let every single memory of us go. All of the inside jokes, all of the conversations, all of the kisses, all of us, everything that made us, go. Of course, i never said that. I just asked him if he was scared to let go, if it was hard for him, too. And he told me it wasn't He said he was ready to let go of everything. He told me not to be scared, that I should be ready to let go, too. And something about that, man. Something about that just broke me more than everything he said and did. He was so special to me, so fucking amazing and great and awesome and just, God, so amazing. He used to be so good to me. And he would always tell me that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me, and I would say the same thing back to him. And now, now he's just ready to let us go like it wasn't anything. Like we hadn't medicined each other for the past few months.
I guess I should've known that he was ready to let go. That he was just done with us, that he didn't care anymore. He couldn't even face me when he broke it off. He called me. Couldn't even turn on his webcam to show me his face when he broke up with me. I had to ask him to do that for me. I should have known that I wasn't worth that, even though I felt like I was. Especially after everything I went through with him. But I guess I need to just face it - that I wasn't good enough for him. And it hurts to think that.He couldn't even tell me up front. I had to wait a day for him to call it off. And it was because he was tired and didn't want to waste data. I spent data on him all the time so that our calls wouldn't lag out so much (my wifi is absolute shit). God, man. i don't know. I really thought he was my best friend. I shared so much stuff with him. All of my favorite things with him. And I just thought that.. thought i could let every single wall fall down. I felt like we'd be together for a while. Maybe not forever, but a few years. I was that comfortable with him. Everyone thought we would be together for a few years. And.. and again. It's only five months.
Maybe the only thing I'm really good for in relationships is physical pleasure. Maybe that's the thing that I'm built for. My only purpose. Because I clearly can't do the rest right, no matter what I freaking do. Sometimes I feel like my best will never be enough for anyone, because it's just that shit. that I'm just that shit.
I just thought he was really different. But maybe that's because I went to a catholic school, in which I had about 20 other people to choose form that I've known since third grade. But he just felt so damn different. Everything felt so different. And I'm starting to wonder if he's just... not. If he just wasn't.
I feel so broken. More broken than before I met him, more broken that ever. I'm terrified to trust people even more than I already did. I'm more scared that the people I already have in my life will just abandon me. I'm scared of everyone leaving me more, now. More than ever. I feel like no one really cares, or ever cared, except one person. I'm so scared that that one person, that one fucking person will leave me, too, just like everyone else. And I'm just so scared. I'm always so scared nowadays, and it upsets me how scares me - just everything.
I'll continue this some other time. For now, I'm both exhausted and still badly hurting. I'm scared it won't stop, haha. But I have to be strong. gotta be strong for myself. Just gotta be strong.