Leaderboard

Well, since others are being open I might as well...... Where to begin...... The beginning really. I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 2. Not Asperger's. Classic autism. The "associated with the movie Rain Man" variety. The "commonly mistaken for straight up MR" variety. I do not remember anything from when I was diagnosed, or even remember experiencing being as limited as reports suggest, but my mother and written documents state that I didn't answer to my name, meaning that if my name were called I wouldn't relate the thing being called out to me as an identifier on a cognitive basis. There were a few other things that are probably relevant that I can't think of right now. I spent the next several years hard at work. I was never in Special Ed full time. I had some supplementary assistance, yes, but I was mainly in regular classes. All was reasonably well in childhood. I did make a threat against a girl's life, revealing and setting up issues that would be developed much later, and I did have to witness several accounts of verbal abuse against my mother and older brother by my grandmother, but my childhood was alright. Well, the grandma thing is important........so I'll elaborate. My grandmother was an alcoholic, but she did have ownership of the house. My mom was a single mother, still is. She didn't have anywhere to go to my understanding, and the relationships she formed that led to myself and my two brothers were questionable. She has issues, as do our respective dads. And I will try to answer to the "your mom is a whore" criticism by saying that my older brother and I are about 7 years apart and my younger brother and I are 12 years apart, and if memory serves she did little, if any, dating outside of these three. May require further context, but that's all I know. Grandma spared me from the brunt of the verbal assault up until she passed around New Years 2009. Because of these attacks on my family, I became afraid of conflict. If people were arguing or fighting in my vicinity, I would get stressed. I could handle it if it were in a fictional context, but reality? Need to get away. Of course, this caused me to be very pacifistic. I have always tried the path of least resistance. I required a defense in case running was not an option. The result was sort of terrifying. When I felt the fight or flight response kicking in, fight meant property damage, threats, and assault, and flight meant curling into the fetal position and suicide attempts. That's the simplest way I can put that. It's far more complicated and I may have this wrong, but that's my understanding of it right now. My big problems revolve around two things: severe OCD and internalized categorism. OCD isn't the random tics. The random tics and rituals offset the real problem: obsessive thinking. I tend to over-analyze. To conspiracy theorist levels. I will give examples in a second. Categorism is a term that encompasses all group based discrimination (racism, sexism, that sort of thing). Internalizing that means you belong to a group you don't want to belong to, in a sense. So internalized categorism is basically hating yourself for being who you are. I hate myself for having autism, being mentally ill, and having specific interests (anime included). There's a huge amount of interplay between these two. I'm conscious that anything I do or say could be interpreted as something only a disabled person would do. I restrict my behavior so much that people don't learn that I have autism, am mentally ill, like certain things, etc. It becomes too much and I ruin my own facade. Here's where it gets really bad. I can't exhibit any behavior that could interpreted as nervous or that of a mentally ill person where law enforcement is involved between the news over the last few years about school shootings and the fact that the mentally ill can be profiled (not to Psycho-Pass levels, but that would be petrifying). I can't reveal my interests due to the stereotypes revolving around them. General population: Japanese animation: weirdo, idiot, childish Animation in general: (same as above, possibly more so) Wrestling: gullible, stupid Disability: "r-word", using as crutch, "you don't seem disabled", well-meaning but pity-driven sympathy Depression: "get over it", "grow a pair", emo, "world's smallest violin" Anxiety: "get over it" Anger: insanity, incarceration, "needs to be put down", "deserves death" Psychiatric Professionals: Animation: would get sent to an institution due to a possible link between this interest and mental instability. This theory comes from several nerd media based studies connecting things such as comic books, Dungeons & Dragons, video games, and anime to juvenile delinquency and psychosis. This dates back at the very least to a flawed, yet still influential book called Seduction of the Innocent. Seduction of the Innocent - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Don't get me started on within fandoms. I can't define my own tastes, so I could be attacked by newcomers and veterans to anime for various reasons. I also abstain from critics due to certain views they have being parroted for no reason, doubt being generated concerning my intelligence and worth as a person for liking certain shows or recurring tropes, and the possibility that those very people would tell me to kill myself if I didn't agree with them. As for now.....here's a brief version. * Get accepted into a University. Transitioning from a two-year school to a four-year one. As well as from an assisted living home to a college dorm (this is a very complicated story to tell and I'm getting tired so....not today) * Am supposed to get help from the company I lived under every so often * transition works fine * Loneliness sets in * Inability to make connections with others becomes more obvious to me * End up limiting my exposure to my strongest support system for admittedly trivial reasons * Company tricks me into signing myself out * Medication runs low * Pressure gets to me * Acting out gets me in trouble, put on behavioral probation * GPA slightly lower than necessary, full tuition scholarship in danger, housing also in danger due to conditions of probation * Direction of therapy not going where it needs to go. Focus on current events, not root causes * Director of residential life being a possible ablest (though I might have been reading into things) * A certain hotline proves counter productive as the volunteer ends up triggering me further (unintentionally, but still) * I crack and threaten suicide * After talking with some res life employees, I'm approached by the campus police who say there's an ambulance outside for me. I go with the assumption I would be back within a few days...... * Learn on day 2 or so that I was going to be evicted. * Due to an even more complicated situation I had nowhere to live. I spent a good while in there. * Released to my mother under the impression that it would be quite temporary. The release was seven months ago. There was a reason my mother was reluctant to take me. This is the only place at the moment that I could be monitored by people that understand how to deal with me on a reasonable level, but it is highly detrimental to my development as a human being. I have left the apartment less than 10 times. I'm not really monitored actually, just cared for. I can go hours without talking to anyone. And I mean actual conversations, not things like twitter banter. Isolation at this level can do damage. I'm really only here until there's somewhere to transition to. The friend I mentioned in my intro post, the "elitist" (though he's more of a litter-bearer, one who likes something but hates other fans), he is the only person I spoke to about anime at all for some time via skype. The changes I saw in him I found unsettling. Just hours ago, I blocked and cut ties with him in any way I could find. twitter, skype, tumblr (deleted that, even). I didn't want to look at tweets that exuded that much hatred. I fear being who I am, but even worse I fear not knowing who I am. I've restricted myself so much for so long that the emptiness became who I am, not what I was actually hiding. I'm really sorry for the info dump. I did not know how to make this short. Context is kind of important for most things in my life.

So far it's good, only two eps out so far but we'll see where this goes from here.

Here's mine

Homucifer only because I like her charecter more. She shows way more human feelings and emotions and changes a lot through the anime. As much as I like Madoka, she just seems to be that "typical good girl" who knows no such thing as hate, pain, sadness, and misunderstanding. I gess thats why she really fits it to be an angellic being.

Okay! Third episode! It was... interesting. I think we can all agree that Alfried is a creeper.

First episode was okay, had good moments and boring moments imo... Yu seems like less of an annoying ratface and that's good... On the other hand, Mika has gotten more I-really-wanna-kick-you-in-the-stomack-ish (he needs to dye his hair black and turn emo, that'll suit him better ). Also, I don't really get Guren's attitude....one moment he's like:'I'm such a bastard and I only care about me' and the next he's:'You're my friend.And you,too...and you over there...OH!You!YEAH!You're my friend as well '. Anyway, overall it wasn't bad....it actually gave me hope that it's gonna be better than the first season....

Ok , so talking crystal rock worm that changes into giant mech ... so much for logic , on the up side he is funny I think I am going to enjoy this anime quite a bit.

Aw, sorry to hear that =/ I can relate to an extent. I have Bipolar Type II, it first became apparent when I was 17 or 18. I didn't know it at the time though. Along with it and because of it, I also developed serious alcohol abuse issues, self medication so to speak, and ultimately got to the point where I was near constantly drinking around the clock, pretty much downing a large bottle or two of hard liquor every day. After nearly getting alcohol poisoning I finally talked to the doctor about it, got referred to a psychiatrist, who then set me on the right track to dealing with my issues. Now I'm pretty much in full control, but I do have some serious ups and downs on occassion. I also have a problem of a more physical nature which I won't go too much into, but it also played a part in my downward spiral and still gives me issues to this day, though with constant maintenance it shouldn't be life threatening. On a lesser note, I also have a weird aversion to phone calls... I'm terrified of talking on the phone. Walkie talkies? No problem, don't bother me at all. But when the phone rings at work and I have to answer it, time stops for a second and I go into full panic mode.