XII360

@WedgyI mean, yea i felt hella sad the first day it happened, (first time she told me to not talk to her) depression actually toke a hold off me, to the point i started cutting myself

(see spoiler, not gonna post old pics of where blood is fresh, its too graphically grotesque, unless...people wanna see it...?)

But after december, (well, more of around december 28th) i noticed my best friend (both online and RL classmate) got worried about me, which they dont usually do, and seeing them worried and saying stuff like *stop being stupid*, *dont die*, it kind of woke me up from depression, which in turn, helped me stop hurting myself, and also lead me to the point where i told myself *i did my best, if she does not want to be friends, i want to end this friendship*

10% of me was still sad, but 90% was me having made up my mind that *i made my real friends worry too much*

And then the designated day happened where she met with me IRL, returned some of my stuff, gave me a note, and suggested i read it in house, and while walking home, got blocked

I did tell her personally too, that if we cant go back to being friends, then i want to officially end it,(and man, did i inhale, and exhale allot just to hide the fact i kind of wanted to cry that day ?, and also the power to tell her i want to end things if its impossible to mend things)

she didnt give me a straight answer (since her answer was already written in the note), and yea

Thats where i just spam told myself, *i cant be broken further, im already broken*, while walking home/running (since i needed a huge distraction, and what better way than to fatigue myself, by way of "pushing it to the limit" ?

And i mean, i may have then started thinking, *why should i help focus on helping others, i should focus on myself more, after all, the groupmates in internship dont even remember me, i gave everyone a keychain in hopes for better bond, but i then i got forgotten,

During christmas party in hospital, i asked for a old groupmates pic, to which everyone seemed *too busy* to stay in one place for the group picture, to which i just got semi mad and left, (they probably didn't notice i was mad, couse i didnt show it, i just *acted cool and left*

couse i mean, i kept going room to room, calling them, and when i come back, i find the guys i called before current one's, have already left and are talking to other people, and i felt like i was the only one who cared and wanted a group picture

So yea, i just left it, out of anger, i decided that i would away my group 3 keychain (which is the very thing i gave everyone, the customized keychain with *their name, and group 3*, spoilers for image of keychain

But yea, one thing will never change, i may focus on myself more often now, and wont randomly help people as often as i used too, out of fear that ill just be used again

But

Ill still give a helping hand to those that <actually> need one and to those that im close to

Otherwise, as big as my heart is, im gonna have to close this to avoid feeling more betrayal feels >.>

And, as much as possible, i wanna avoid anyone from the group i used to be at

That is, the main reason i threw away my keychain anyway, to throw it all away and start anew

But yea, i just closed my heart on her, if i ever see her in cosmatsu carnival (since i plan to cosplay, theres a chance ill see her), im gonna go ahead and ignore her

I dont wanna feel the pain again, not after i escaped it and is able to tell such tales >.>....