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SoullessMarshmallow

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SoullessMarshmallow last won the day on February 6

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About SoullessMarshmallow

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    AF's Cannibal Marshmallow

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  1. SoullessMarshmallow

    Please Read This.

    My boyfriend, if you people still read my stuff, nearly broke up with my tonight. I don’t know if we’re still together, and I don’t know if he still wants to be together. But I know one thing for certain: I know we can work this out. Sure. We’ve had rough sides, especially now. We’ve both made mistakes hat we shouldn’t have, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s the only person I’d want to make these mistakes with. The only person I’d want to share my chocolate with. The only person I’d want to hear a good morning from and a good night and an I love you from. I will never get bored of him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve thought I’d never get. But he’s here. And I want him to stay so badly. He says he feels restricted, and he just doesn’t know what he wants to do. But if he’s reading this - Idiot, if you’re reading this - I love you. So, so very much. And there’s nothing I’d want more than to stay with you. We can work this out, I promise. But you know guys, I just... I don’t know. I want him to WANT to be with me, but I don’t think he does. I just want him to want to be with me. I just want him.
  2. SoullessMarshmallow

    Rambles and Broken Thoughts

    What have I done? To myself? To him? What have I done? Do I need to let go? It’s 6:38 AM in a London hotel. The bathroom in the run down hotel room is cold, despite the fact of just turning on the shower after rinsing off the blood from a nosebleed on my thighs. I’ve had a headache for the past week. I don’t think I’ve noticed much. No. Not much. What do I put this as? Blog? A docs? Just for me or for him or for everyone? Everyone. Yes, maybe everyone. Or no one at all. Or just me. I might print this out and burn it later. Is it the need to see him that makes me stay, or is it the guilt of letting go of a challenge hurting my pride? How much longer can I take him in? How much longer can he deal with me? Am I scared of losing him? Yes. Yes, definitely. But does that mean I should stay? No? Yes? What’s the difference? He listens. He knows. He cares. He’s patient and kind and considerate. He is innocence wrapped in warm blankets. I am not. I am everything but patient. And considerate. My temper is tightly leashed. I am nothing. I’m ruining him. Selfish. I am selfish. I am scared of losing something so kind and gentle. I am scared of losing a man with black hair, glasses, and a killer personality. I am scared of losing a fumbling idiot and our fourteen-hour phone calls. I am scared of someone else holding onto his arm and leaning into the crook of his neck on the floor of a book store. I am scared that someone else will get to see what only I have seen - down to his morning voice, his excited greetings, stupid inside jokes, atrocious singing in his basement, and especially the way his voice gets when he’s worried. It’s soft. So soft. I’ve never had someone speak to me that way before. And the way his hands hold my face right before I leave his house. I’m so scared, so absolutely terrified of someone else being able to rest their forehead against his, his arms wrapped around them tightly but gently as he leans against his bedroom wall, holding them close, begging them not to leave despite having plans the next morning. Begging them to stay, and ending up keeping them leaning against his forehead for another twenty minutes as they giggle, telling him they need to leave. I am scared of someone else holding his hand in the corner of a dark hall after watching a play. I am scared of him awkwardly fumbling around as he laces his hand into hers. I am scared that he’ll turn to her, despite her incessant teasing, with that stupid look. Like she’s the only person in the room. The only one occupying his vision. He’ll squeeze her hand as she turns away from embarrassment, laugh a bit as she turns back to him and glares at him. He won’t notice his face slowly getting closer to hers, but when he does, he whispers, “is this okay?”, and wait for her reply before slowly leaning in. God, his lips were dry. Haha. I am so, so scared. I am scared of losing someone that might not even be mine to keep. I am scared. I need to wash my face.
  3. SoullessMarshmallow

    Lost Selves and Reflections

    Thank you I will keep this in mind. You take care of yourself as well
  4. SoullessMarshmallow

    Lost Selves and Reflections

    Please, Rudilla, it’s not your fault. Don’t feel sorry! It’s only my own for being so naive that life would let me off that easily, haha. You were more than enough at the time, and I appreciate everything you’ve done. Don’t think that you didn’t do enough for me; I didn’t do enough for myself. Don’t you worry, though! I’ll try to be better... somhow. I’ll be better somehow.
  5. *in an abandon city, slowly a creature Comes from the shadiws* I have found the cure for same face

  6. *Gives the Marshmallow a soul so the Marshmallow can be happy*

    1. SoullessMarshmallow

      SoullessMarshmallow

      Thank you~! More to add to my collection~ 

  7. SoullessMarshmallow

    So.. does anyone drink?

    I’m too young to drink, but many of the adults in my family prefer white wine, beer, or sake. I have a feeling I’ll like red wine, though!
  8. SoullessMarshmallow

    Lost Selves and Reflections

    I've lost myself. Maybe I haven't permanently lost myself, maybe it's for a while, maybe I'm just growing. Or maybe I'm stagnant and I've never really changed in the first place and I've just made an entire lie based around my growth, pretending that all the bad things I've done are nonexistent and that i got through them when I really didn't. Maybe I've always been that way for the past five years. I'd like to think that's not that case. That I made progress in some way, some shape, some sort of form that I just don't know yet. I don't think I have, though. I don't think I ever have. I think I'm the same scared little girl from all those years ago, the same girl waiting at the front of my house for a package every October. A package that never came. I still think I'm the same girl who let her first boyfriend use her over and over again, the same girl who severed her closest friendships for a boy who didn't matter. But the only thing that i think I'm not anymore, the only thing I no longer have in common with that girl is that I've finally lost every bit of my confidence. I've never felt fully confident since I was... God, since... since sometime. I think around eight? Nine? It's hard to remember. I had a lot of spunk and I smiled a lot and I was openly kind and I don't think i gave a damn about what anyone thought. And when people tried bullying me or teasing me I'd tease 'em right back and snap at them. I didn't let anyone walk over me. I wasn't their doormat. Things changed after third grade, of course. I learned of my parents' divorce and my dad's new family. It broke me and whatever and blah blah blah who cares. I never stood up for myself, even after the last phone call. Sure, i asked him why it had to be this way and why he didn't love me anymore and who-gives-a-shit-what-else-I-said, but I never told him to fuck off or whatnot because I wanted him to be there for me. With me. I never told him that though. After the last phone call, his last words to me... I don't remember anymore. I think he said he'd call me back and he loved me. But i knew he said he'd talk to me later when I felt better. We didn't, though, because he stopped answering his phone and he stopped calling. And I think that's when the confidence began to crack. It got worse every Christmas, every birthday. I no longer received presents from him or cards, and that made my self esteem to slowly crumble every time. I'd always hope I'd find something for me on the front porch on my birthday, but I already knew I wouldn't. I wasn't important anymore, and I just accepted that after a few years without any sign from him, it was just time to drop it. In my declining self esteem place was an increasing rate of a need for attention. But even then, i still had some confidence, some sort of self respect left for me. I promised myself that i wouldn't let anyone walk over me like that again. A few years later came my boyfriend at the time. My need for attention had gotten so bad and my self esteem had been so low that i decided to take him in despite all of my friends' warnings and all the red flags he waved in my face. Throughout that one, if you haven't read one of my previous entry, I let his hypocrisy affect me, let him control me, and let him pressure me into doing things I never wanted to do. I broke my promise to myself, and in its place, self-hate flourished. Even though I broke up with him eventually, I still never completely overcame that feeling he gave me about myself. But even then, i still had some sort of confidence, some sort of self respect. I told myself that he was someone close to you. This only happened because he was close to you. If he were anyone else, you would've stuck up for yourself and dropped connections with them right away. I forgave myself, and promised myself again that this would never happen. And then this year. This year was the all time low. A few months after the beginning of the school year, my self esteem was almost nonexistent and my happiness was swapped for the need for suicide and the feeling of depression. I Hated everything so much. And in a way, I still do. Just not as intensely. But I thought this was the year where I was going to finally say, "Fuck you. Fuck everything. I'm going to do whatever I want and get myself back. I'm going to be where I want to be. I'm going to be confident again." And for a time, I thought it was going well. I did say fuck you to a lot of things, and I did a lot of things that I've always wanted to do and I've said things that I've always wanted to do and I cleared my head and i worked on myself and although i was going against depression I knew i could make it out. i knew I was going to get out of here, one way or another. I was getting my life back on track, the way it should be. i thought I was doing amazing. Then of course, my fragile self had to ruin it for me. It started around two weeks ago. It was little comments here and there, with some of the guys, like two of them, who were my ex's friends saying stuff like, "Hey, remember [ex's name]?" And I'd laugh nervously and be like, "Haha, yep. Can we not talk about this since I have a boyfriend now?" and they'd drop it. Then it started more frequently, with them asking if I was back with my ex again. I denied of course, and said it was a different guy. They'd ask who and blah blah whatever. Then it got worse. i couldn't even mention any of my hobbies without them saying something about my ex. One time, i was asking one of my friends what she wanted me to sew for her birthday, and then this guy bursts in and says, "Hey, remember when you used to sew stuff for [insert ex's name]? Didn't he have like... a ton?" And then I'd have to nervously laugh and explain again that i had a boyfriend and it wasn't fair to him, but this time they wouldn't drop it. They called their other friends and they joined in, too, asking if i remembered my ex and everything I used to do for him. Even my supposed "friend" joined in on the teasing. When I couldn't take it anymore, I booked it as fast as i could. But they never stopped. Now everyday they harass me about my ex and remind me everything about him. The way he made me make out with him, the gifts i made him, but mostly the making out. He told everyone. And he told everyone that I sent him nudes and I sent him sexts and more horrible things. It was a few years ago, but now it's coming back to the surface and i don't know why. And I know i should already be over it but I'm not, because I'm still insecure about everything he did. The relationship scarred me so badly that i can't even handle PDA well, which isn't fair to my current boyfriend. Their harassment continued, and when I asked them why they were doing this, one of them said it was, "because it was funny. You guys made out in public." They laughed at me. I almost cried right there. I couldn't even say anything. I didn't want to remember. I don't even know why they're bringing it up at this point. But the thing that really broke me was when i was heading to one of my classes, and then an entire group of them started saying things like, "God, I wonder what [ex's name] and Mallow were doing behind the door that day," or "I wonder what happened to [ex's name] and Mallow." One of my former friends said that, and some of my current friends did nothing about it and even laughed along with them. I was a joke to them again. So I ran to the bathroom and huddled in a stall. I breathed a bit, one of my friends was there to comfort me. but as i was alone in that stall, it finally hit me that I had finally lost every bit of confidence I had and every last shred of self respect. I let a group of people who weren't supposed to matter bully me, and I didn't do anything about it. No witty comeback that I usually do. No sharp tongue stabbing at their insults. I let them bully me. I let them take away the last crumb of confidence I had, I let them break my last promise to myself. And that day, I went home and I cried. As I lay in the covers that day still in my uniform, my face buried in a pillow, i started to wonder if i had really ever changed at all. Because why should a relationship from years ago matter anymore? Why do I care? Why am I still ashamed? And why don't I feel like I know who I am anymore? After all these months trying to build myself back up, I finally though I had it down pat. And then it was like some kid at the beach knocked over my damned sand castle with his foot and stomped all over my castle's remains. All the work for nothing. All this work just for me to revert back to my old, pathetic self - actually, maybe I did change. I just got a little more pathetic. A lot more pathetic. That day, I knew I lost myself. And as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if its even worth it to go back and start at square one. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try and look in the mirror. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to find myself again.
  9. SoullessMarshmallow

    Guys And Weird Mistakes

    Ne, why would I be mad at you? thats totally cool! I’ll check yours out as well ^^
  10. Ne, so nice to finally revisit he site again~ my check ins have been so patchy for the past two months T__T I missed you guys~!!!

    1. Viper

      Viper

      Welcome back 

    2. Roxeg

      Roxeg

      Better than never…

    3. John jobs

      John jobs

      Hey, what i miss

  11. Honestly... I should really stop trying to show people my poems in real life T_T Things are just not working out for me, hehe.

    1. Roxeg

      Roxeg

      Poems are something personal after all.

  12. SoullessMarshmallow

    Guys And Weird Mistakes

    Haha, I know right?! Of course, I totally agree with you. That's what I was planning on doing first. And don't worry - it's just harmless teasing ^^ Nothing that would signal any insecurities, really. It's a good rule, and totally respectable. I have to disagree with you own the young and immature thing, though. Now, I won't argue that I'm mature enough (because really, is anyone at my age?), but I will say that I think it's a good practice for serious relationships or even marriage. Knowing how these things work first hand help me more than just putting it off to the side for a later date. I know that some things in relationships (ex. sex n stuff) should definitely be saved for a later date, I think if the relationship is pretty innocent, there's no harm in it It helps you find what you want in a partner, helps find yourself, and again, lets you know how relationships work and what you can do to make your current (or future) relationship better Of course, that doesn't mean it's okay to just throw yourself one relationship after the other. I mean it as in you find someone you think you're compatible with, and, well you know, give it a shot Definitely. I had to take a few days off, hehe. Blunt is good! Makes your comments much more genuine, especially compliments
  13. SoullessMarshmallow

    Guys And Weird Mistakes

    Thank you for he kind words. He has indeed messages me several times when I shut my phone off from panic and embarrassment haha ^^ Life is strange.
  14. SoullessMarshmallow

    Guys And Weird Mistakes

    Hello everyone! I know it's been a while since I've posted, but for the past week, I couldn't get this off my mind. So, I can't stop thinking about this guy. And, that's absolutely crazy for me. Like, how can I possibly be thinking about a guy I met just last week?! Well, um, I mean we text everyday. Often. And it's not even me who texts him first! And um, well, we talk for a while. At least an hour everyday. Nice chats. Very nice chats. He's really funny, and he offers to help me with homework when he learned that my school's curriculum is extremely behind in math. He once tried to convince me to go attend public school (he currently attends one), or even switch this year, and he's fun to text. He's not bothersome, he seems mature, and he gets my sense of humor (as eccentric as it may be). He sounds really smart, and from the short amount (or perhaps long?) of time that we've talked, it seems that he tries to give different views for different situations, and I'm not sure... AGH! I don't know how to handle this T_T It's been... a while since someone drove me this crazy. I don't even know if I like him! I mean, maybe I do since I think of him often? but I mean, I think of my friends often too! But I mean, I can't possibly like him since we've known each other for just a week! That's insane! I'm Insane! Oh god, what if he actually thinks I'm insane? Oh my gosh how do I handle this? Okay okay, maybe I should give some backstory. We met through a mutual friend during an orchestra rehearsal last Saturday, and we exchanged snapchats, League accounts, and phone numbers after the concert. He texts me everyday without fail, and everyday, we talk for at least an hour. Well, at least for the past week. And he's almost all I can think about. And I'm pretty sure I'm insane, because it's just insane to be thinking about a guy I've only met for a week. He teases me for my height, and asks me to play League, and it's really nice and I'm not sure how to handle it. But last night, I think I really screwed its up. We were talking again, not a big surprise. And he started teasing me for my height again, and of course, I get super tsundere when people do that. Then he said, "So this is the tsundere personality you told me about in All County, huh?" And like the idiot I am, my brain just LEFT ME and I said something really stupid. "Well, I'm not actually a tsundere." LIKE WHAT YES I AM A TSUNDERE WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF. and then we went on a huge conversation about how he thought fort the last week I've been pranking him that I was a tsundere by acting like a tsundere when I actually acted like how I would usually act. And then he started to say things like "Wait, so then you must like it when I tease you, right?" And then I panicked, I told him I was going to bed, and the last thing I saw him write was, "SO YOU SLEEP TO AVOID YOUR PROBLEMS" And I have no idea if he was joking or not, but I know he didn't mean to be mean, just blatantly realistic, and uh, yeah. Like, I feel like maybe.. oh god how do I explain this? Well, he's not necessarily wrong that I do sleep to avoid a lot of my problems, which, I know, isn't a healthy decision, but what I'm hoping is that I'm worried he's beginning to see through me when I know nothing about him? Maybe I'm just really bad at being supportive, or I just suck at trying to get to know people in real life.. I think I'm worried I'm going to have to open up, but technically, I'm the only one who can make myself open up, but if he actually sits me down today and asks me about my sleeping habits honestly and really wants to know what's going on with me, I don't want to lie either, so do I cover it up for now or do I just let it all spill out? But maybe he'll just find me weird if I tell him about everything, but I was planning on just opening up little by little, and this is really overwhelming me and I'm probably just overthinking everything, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point except overthink because he's just.. No, that's actually impossible. I've only known him for a week, and I can't possibly like someone who I've only known for a week. He probably thinks I'm insane and weird - no, he definitely thinks that. Oh god, I just messed it up for myself. I'm just so worried, you know? it's been such a long time since this has happened to me, and the last time I let my feelings out there, it just led to a really unhealthy relationship. I forced myself to open up and do everything to please my partner, but I just ended up destroying myself and all of my relationships. I... I want to change, and I always thought I grew from that situation. But now that I'm thrown back into this crazy rollercoaster again, am I doing the right thing? Am I forcing to do things I don't want to? Am I forcing this guy to do things he doesn't want to? Do I feel comfortable? Have I really changed? I know I've only known him for a week, but, I get really cautious when anyone - may it be potential partners, new friends, or old friends who're trying to get close with me again - try to open me up. It's stressful, and I don't want to go down the same unhealthy road once more. One time was enough. I don't need to do it again, and I don't want to bring someone along with me. I think I'm also scared that if I do open up, he'll either abandon me completely and never talk to me, or he stays and he tries to help. I'm scared of the only two possibilities that could happen, because if he just books out (which, I wouldn't blame him for. He has his own problems to take care of), it'll take forever for me to get over it, and it'll always be in the back of my mind how I'm just a stupid girl who's looking for people to dump her problems on. but if he stays, I'm just gonna drag him along on this insane road of my stupid problems and my slowly deteriorating mental state. And It might affect him too. Either road is a bad road, because I'm still very selfish. And I don't even know if I'm ready for a relationship again. Will I be able to handle the responsibility of being someone's girlfriend again? I don't even know if he's ready for a relationship. Maybe we're still just immature children looking for someone to accept them for who they are. Maybe we're just meant to be friends and support each other in the long run. Maybe this is a one time thing I get for still hanging in there. Maybe this is the last time we'll talk and I'll never actually see or talk to him again. Maybe he really does think I'm a weird, eccentric girl. Maybe he thinks I'm the weirdest girl he's met. I'd definitely think that if I met me. Maybe he doesn't care for me at all, and I'm just an afterthought to text when he has no one else to text. But maybe, even though I've known him for only a week, maybe things could happen. Maybe healthy things could happen. Maybe this could become something. I mean, he's not a bad person, so it's not entirely impossible. Right? I mean, I guess I kinda like him.
  15. Rainbow's End.m4a

    hoping to get some feedback on this song I’m working on ^_^ It’s the first time I’m playing a piece after being MIA for four years on the piano 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Roxeg

      Roxeg

      Greatest thing ever

    3. Wodahs

      Wodahs

      I enjoyed it

      listened to it twice 

      I think you've done well 

    4. Roxeg

      Roxeg

      @Wodahs It sounds so good, doesn't it?

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