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SoullessMarshmallow

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SoullessMarshmallow last won the day on February 6

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About SoullessMarshmallow

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    AF's Cannibal Marshmallow

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  1. Happy B-day!

    1. Muco

      Muco

      Happy Birthday @SoullessMarshmallow, enjoy your day

  2. SoullessMarshmallow

    Getting Over People and Embarrassment

    Hello! Haha, wow. That was both extremely embarrassing and extremely relieving. Sorry for all of that emotional stuff. I just didn't know where else to put all of that stuff, you know? And I'd rather not delete them since they're a part of me. But now that I'm all cleared up, less emotional, but still kinda there, I feel like I can come back to this. Think things rationally, you know? And you guys guessed what I'm most likely gonna talk about! And you're right. It's the break up. Big surprise, right? Hehe, just kidding. I guess I should've seen it coming. After being a total mess for the past week, today marking the day I was dumped, I can say it got better. Just today is not one of my days, you know? Today really took its toll. Its not that I feel like, completely emotional, just ah, well, completely numb. Or half numb. Like you can still feel the pain, but it's fuzzy. Kind of like looking through sea glass. And the reason he broke up with me was well, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Said he wasn't mature enough to make every decision rationally. And he was right. He can't. and we've been facing that problem since our first fight. It still hurts, though, because I feel like I could have done something differently to change the outcome. Done something more or less of to make him stay. And then I have to remind myself that nothing I could've done would've made him stay, just because he wasn't ready for this. But there's just a part of me that says if I didn't ask him to open up to me, that if I just joked around, things would be different and he would stay. Then I have to tell myself yet again that it would've just terminated the relationship even sooner. I'm not in a good place, and I need to talk to someone. I can't talk to a brick wall constantly. And you know, that went well for a while. Him opening up. He did that after our first fight, and I thought things would only go well from there. It didn't. I should've seen all of it coming, but I think I was too goddamn in love with this guy to ever realize that he just wasn't ready, and i couldn't change that. Because I can't just joke around and do nothing. I need to talk to someone. Have deep conversations with people, you know? I just need to talk about feelings with people. And... And I guess that wasn't for him. It wasn't ever for him. And that hurts so much. But I didn't notice it at the time. I really, really did think things were turning up, and he became what I thought was my best friend. He made me feel so comfortable, so... so special. So safe and secure. I could trust him with just about anything. And I thought he could trust me with anything, tell me everything he wanted and felt like. Especially since I told him to communicate with me, trust me, in the beginning of the relationship, to set a good foundation. So I really did think that he was telling me everything, that he wasn't lying or not telling me stuff that he should be. Turns out I was wrong. And I should have known. It hurts more because like I said, I trusted him with just about everything. And I felt like that was okay with him, because he always reassured me that he wanted to be there for me. That he wanted me to lean on him for support. And that made me feel so damned secure and safe. But the thing that he said that really sealed the deal was what he said after a fight we had. I don't remember what the fight was about, or what I said, but I remember him saying that, "It's okay. I'd rather have you tell me that you're angry up front than let you build and bottle it up while I stay oblivious." That made me feel like I could really tell him anything. Even the problems I had with our relationship (which, of course, I'm supposed to. It just made me feel even more comfortable). Everything just felt so... so right. He would always say things like, "Hey, I want to help you. Please tell me what's going on," "I'm always here for you," "I don't want you to bottle this all up. It's not healthy." or, "Why didn't you just call me if you're having trouble sleeping?". That made me feel so happy. It was like someone was there for me after a really long time. Like someone was genuinely there. I didn't feel uncomfortable, i didn't feel like I was pushing myself to tell him anything. And since he told me all those reassurances, I really thought it was okay to lean on him whenever I felt bad, or when my depression had just gone to shit, because no one else was there. I didn't feel like anyone else cared but him. I always asked if it was okay. And he always said it was okay, so I thought it was okay. Big, big surprise: It actually wasn't. And I didn't find out until I asked him about it until after the break up. He told me he felt like I took advantage of him and his kindness. And that did something to me. I remember hanging up and feeling like such shit, like such a shitty human being. Feeling like I manipulated him without even knowing, feeling like such a piece of shit and wishing I wasn't me, wishing I was anyone but me. I felt pathetic and horrible and crappy. I felt like I hurt him, and that I was the worst person to ever exist. I wished I wasn't so depressed, so needy, so freaking weak, I wished I didn't have to lean on him. I cried for the rest of the time. I told my mom about it, asked her if i really was capable of taking advantage of someone like that. And... she told me something that stuck with me. She said that he's just manipulating me to make me feel like complete shit because he feels like complete shit. It's silly, right? I don't wanna believe it. I don't want to think that my best friend would do that. Manipulate me to think that. But now, now I'm starting to really think that he did. And that hurts me, scares me. Because now it feels like everything he ever said wasn't true. That he never really cared enough to actually be honest with you, to really want to be there for you, and damn, man. That hurts. Why would you lie to me about caring? About wanting to be there for me? But that's not the only hurtful thing I found out from that phone call. There were so many horrible truths - or lies, honestly. Who knows? - that I found out from that phone call. Another was when I asked him if it was hard, if he still missed me sometimes, he said he didn't know. Damn, that hurt. It hurts when you hear someone you miss so fucking bad, someone you loved so fucking hard, someone you gave so much to hear that they don't even know if they miss you. It's like tearing open your heart with a rusty knife. Goddamn did that fucking hurt. The best part about this? I ask him if it's hard for him to let go, too. If he's scared, just like me. If he's scared to let every single memory of us go. All of the inside jokes, all of the conversations, all of the kisses, all of us, everything that made us, go. Of course, i never said that. I just asked him if he was scared to let go, if it was hard for him, too. And he told me it wasn't He said he was ready to let go of everything. He told me not to be scared, that I should be ready to let go, too. And something about that, man. Something about that just broke me more than everything he said and did. He was so special to me, so fucking amazing and great and awesome and just, God, so amazing. He used to be so good to me. And he would always tell me that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me, and I would say the same thing back to him. And now, now he's just ready to let us go like it wasn't anything. Like we hadn't medicined each other for the past few months. I guess I should've known that he was ready to let go. That he was just done with us, that he didn't care anymore. He couldn't even face me when he broke it off. He called me. Couldn't even turn on his webcam to show me his face when he broke up with me. I had to ask him to do that for me. I should have known that I wasn't worth that, even though I felt like I was. Especially after everything I went through with him. But I guess I need to just face it - that I wasn't good enough for him. And it hurts to think that.He couldn't even tell me up front. I had to wait a day for him to call it off. And it was because he was tired and didn't want to waste data. I spent data on him all the time so that our calls wouldn't lag out so much (my wifi is absolute shit). God, man. i don't know. I really thought he was my best friend. I shared so much stuff with him. All of my favorite things with him. And I just thought that.. thought i could let every single wall fall down. I felt like we'd be together for a while. Maybe not forever, but a few years. I was that comfortable with him. Everyone thought we would be together for a few years. And.. and again. It's only five months. Maybe the only thing I'm really good for in relationships is physical pleasure. Maybe that's the thing that I'm built for. My only purpose. Because I clearly can't do the rest right, no matter what I freaking do. Sometimes I feel like my best will never be enough for anyone, because it's just that shit. that I'm just that shit. I just thought he was really different. But maybe that's because I went to a catholic school, in which I had about 20 other people to choose form that I've known since third grade. But he just felt so damn different. Everything felt so different. And I'm starting to wonder if he's just... not. If he just wasn't. I feel so broken. More broken than before I met him, more broken that ever. I'm terrified to trust people even more than I already did. I'm more scared that the people I already have in my life will just abandon me. I'm scared of everyone leaving me more, now. More than ever. I feel like no one really cares, or ever cared, except one person. I'm so scared that that one person, that one fucking person will leave me, too, just like everyone else. And I'm just so scared. I'm always so scared nowadays, and it upsets me how scares me - just everything. I'll continue this some other time. For now, I'm both exhausted and still badly hurting. I'm scared it won't stop, haha. But I have to be strong. gotta be strong for myself. Just gotta be strong.
  3. SoullessMarshmallow

    Please Read This.

    My boyfriend, if you people still read my stuff, nearly broke up with my tonight. I don’t know if we’re still together, and I don’t know if he still wants to be together. But I know one thing for certain: I know we can work this out. Sure. We’ve had rough sides, especially now. We’ve both made mistakes hat we shouldn’t have, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s the only person I’d want to make these mistakes with. The only person I’d want to share my chocolate with. The only person I’d want to hear a good morning from and a good night and an I love you from. I will never get bored of him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve thought I’d never get. But he’s here. And I want him to stay so badly. He says he feels restricted, and he just doesn’t know what he wants to do. But if he’s reading this - Idiot, if you’re reading this - I love you. So, so very much. And there’s nothing I’d want more than to stay with you. We can work this out, I promise. But you know guys, I just... I don’t know. I want him to WANT to be with me, but I don’t think he does. I just want him to want to be with me. I just want him.
  4. SoullessMarshmallow

    Rambles and Broken Thoughts

    What have I done? To myself? To him? What have I done? Do I need to let go? It’s 6:38 AM in a London hotel. The bathroom in the run down hotel room is cold, despite the fact of just turning on the shower after rinsing off the blood from a nosebleed on my thighs. I’ve had a headache for the past week. I don’t think I’ve noticed much. No. Not much. What do I put this as? Blog? A docs? Just for me or for him or for everyone? Everyone. Yes, maybe everyone. Or no one at all. Or just me. I might print this out and burn it later. Is it the need to see him that makes me stay, or is it the guilt of letting go of a challenge hurting my pride? How much longer can I take him in? How much longer can he deal with me? Am I scared of losing him? Yes. Yes, definitely. But does that mean I should stay? No? Yes? What’s the difference? He listens. He knows. He cares. He’s patient and kind and considerate. He is innocence wrapped in warm blankets. I am not. I am everything but patient. And considerate. My temper is tightly leashed. I am nothing. I’m ruining him. Selfish. I am selfish. I am scared of losing something so kind and gentle. I am scared of losing a man with black hair, glasses, and a killer personality. I am scared of losing a fumbling idiot and our fourteen-hour phone calls. I am scared of someone else holding onto his arm and leaning into the crook of his neck on the floor of a book store. I am scared that someone else will get to see what only I have seen - down to his morning voice, his excited greetings, stupid inside jokes, atrocious singing in his basement, and especially the way his voice gets when he’s worried. It’s soft. So soft. I’ve never had someone speak to me that way before. And the way his hands hold my face right before I leave his house. I’m so scared, so absolutely terrified of someone else being able to rest their forehead against his, his arms wrapped around them tightly but gently as he leans against his bedroom wall, holding them close, begging them not to leave despite having plans the next morning. Begging them to stay, and ending up keeping them leaning against his forehead for another twenty minutes as they giggle, telling him they need to leave. I am scared of someone else holding his hand in the corner of a dark hall after watching a play. I am scared of him awkwardly fumbling around as he laces his hand into hers. I am scared that he’ll turn to her, despite her incessant teasing, with that stupid look. Like she’s the only person in the room. The only one occupying his vision. He’ll squeeze her hand as she turns away from embarrassment, laugh a bit as she turns back to him and glares at him. He won’t notice his face slowly getting closer to hers, but when he does, he whispers, “is this okay?”, and wait for her reply before slowly leaning in. God, his lips were dry. Haha. I am so, so scared. I am scared of losing someone that might not even be mine to keep. I am scared. I need to wash my face.
  5. SoullessMarshmallow

    Lost Selves and Reflections

    Thank you I will keep this in mind. You take care of yourself as well
  6. SoullessMarshmallow

    Lost Selves and Reflections

    Please, Rudilla, it’s not your fault. Don’t feel sorry! It’s only my own for being so naive that life would let me off that easily, haha. You were more than enough at the time, and I appreciate everything you’ve done. Don’t think that you didn’t do enough for me; I didn’t do enough for myself. Don’t you worry, though! I’ll try to be better... somhow. I’ll be better somehow.
  7. *in an abandon city, slowly a creature Comes from the shadiws* I have found the cure for same face

  8. *Gives the Marshmallow a soul so the Marshmallow can be happy*

    1. SoullessMarshmallow

      SoullessMarshmallow

      Thank you~! More to add to my collection~ 

  9. SoullessMarshmallow

    So.. does anyone drink?

    I’m too young to drink, but many of the adults in my family prefer white wine, beer, or sake. I have a feeling I’ll like red wine, though!
  10. SoullessMarshmallow

    Lost Selves and Reflections

    I've lost myself. Maybe I haven't permanently lost myself, maybe it's for a while, maybe I'm just growing. Or maybe I'm stagnant and I've never really changed in the first place and I've just made an entire lie based around my growth, pretending that all the bad things I've done are nonexistent and that i got through them when I really didn't. Maybe I've always been that way for the past five years. I'd like to think that's not that case. That I made progress in some way, some shape, some sort of form that I just don't know yet. I don't think I have, though. I don't think I ever have. I think I'm the same scared little girl from all those years ago, the same girl waiting at the front of my house for a package every October. A package that never came. I still think I'm the same girl who let her first boyfriend use her over and over again, the same girl who severed her closest friendships for a boy who didn't matter. But the only thing that i think I'm not anymore, the only thing I no longer have in common with that girl is that I've finally lost every bit of my confidence. I've never felt fully confident since I was... God, since... since sometime. I think around eight? Nine? It's hard to remember. I had a lot of spunk and I smiled a lot and I was openly kind and I don't think i gave a damn about what anyone thought. And when people tried bullying me or teasing me I'd tease 'em right back and snap at them. I didn't let anyone walk over me. I wasn't their doormat. Things changed after third grade, of course. I learned of my parents' divorce and my dad's new family. It broke me and whatever and blah blah blah who cares. I never stood up for myself, even after the last phone call. Sure, i asked him why it had to be this way and why he didn't love me anymore and who-gives-a-shit-what-else-I-said, but I never told him to fuck off or whatnot because I wanted him to be there for me. With me. I never told him that though. After the last phone call, his last words to me... I don't remember anymore. I think he said he'd call me back and he loved me. But i knew he said he'd talk to me later when I felt better. We didn't, though, because he stopped answering his phone and he stopped calling. And I think that's when the confidence began to crack. It got worse every Christmas, every birthday. I no longer received presents from him or cards, and that made my self esteem to slowly crumble every time. I'd always hope I'd find something for me on the front porch on my birthday, but I already knew I wouldn't. I wasn't important anymore, and I just accepted that after a few years without any sign from him, it was just time to drop it. In my declining self esteem place was an increasing rate of a need for attention. But even then, i still had some confidence, some sort of self respect left for me. I promised myself that i wouldn't let anyone walk over me like that again. A few years later came my boyfriend at the time. My need for attention had gotten so bad and my self esteem had been so low that i decided to take him in despite all of my friends' warnings and all the red flags he waved in my face. Throughout that one, if you haven't read one of my previous entry, I let his hypocrisy affect me, let him control me, and let him pressure me into doing things I never wanted to do. I broke my promise to myself, and in its place, self-hate flourished. Even though I broke up with him eventually, I still never completely overcame that feeling he gave me about myself. But even then, i still had some sort of confidence, some sort of self respect. I told myself that he was someone close to you. This only happened because he was close to you. If he were anyone else, you would've stuck up for yourself and dropped connections with them right away. I forgave myself, and promised myself again that this would never happen. And then this year. This year was the all time low. A few months after the beginning of the school year, my self esteem was almost nonexistent and my happiness was swapped for the need for suicide and the feeling of depression. I Hated everything so much. And in a way, I still do. Just not as intensely. But I thought this was the year where I was going to finally say, "Fuck you. Fuck everything. I'm going to do whatever I want and get myself back. I'm going to be where I want to be. I'm going to be confident again." And for a time, I thought it was going well. I did say fuck you to a lot of things, and I did a lot of things that I've always wanted to do and I've said things that I've always wanted to do and I cleared my head and i worked on myself and although i was going against depression I knew i could make it out. i knew I was going to get out of here, one way or another. I was getting my life back on track, the way it should be. i thought I was doing amazing. Then of course, my fragile self had to ruin it for me. It started around two weeks ago. It was little comments here and there, with some of the guys, like two of them, who were my ex's friends saying stuff like, "Hey, remember [ex's name]?" And I'd laugh nervously and be like, "Haha, yep. Can we not talk about this since I have a boyfriend now?" and they'd drop it. Then it started more frequently, with them asking if I was back with my ex again. I denied of course, and said it was a different guy. They'd ask who and blah blah whatever. Then it got worse. i couldn't even mention any of my hobbies without them saying something about my ex. One time, i was asking one of my friends what she wanted me to sew for her birthday, and then this guy bursts in and says, "Hey, remember when you used to sew stuff for [insert ex's name]? Didn't he have like... a ton?" And then I'd have to nervously laugh and explain again that i had a boyfriend and it wasn't fair to him, but this time they wouldn't drop it. They called their other friends and they joined in, too, asking if i remembered my ex and everything I used to do for him. Even my supposed "friend" joined in on the teasing. When I couldn't take it anymore, I booked it as fast as i could. But they never stopped. Now everyday they harass me about my ex and remind me everything about him. The way he made me make out with him, the gifts i made him, but mostly the making out. He told everyone. And he told everyone that I sent him nudes and I sent him sexts and more horrible things. It was a few years ago, but now it's coming back to the surface and i don't know why. And I know i should already be over it but I'm not, because I'm still insecure about everything he did. The relationship scarred me so badly that i can't even handle PDA well, which isn't fair to my current boyfriend. Their harassment continued, and when I asked them why they were doing this, one of them said it was, "because it was funny. You guys made out in public." They laughed at me. I almost cried right there. I couldn't even say anything. I didn't want to remember. I don't even know why they're bringing it up at this point. But the thing that really broke me was when i was heading to one of my classes, and then an entire group of them started saying things like, "God, I wonder what [ex's name] and Mallow were doing behind the door that day," or "I wonder what happened to [ex's name] and Mallow." One of my former friends said that, and some of my current friends did nothing about it and even laughed along with them. I was a joke to them again. So I ran to the bathroom and huddled in a stall. I breathed a bit, one of my friends was there to comfort me. but as i was alone in that stall, it finally hit me that I had finally lost every bit of confidence I had and every last shred of self respect. I let a group of people who weren't supposed to matter bully me, and I didn't do anything about it. No witty comeback that I usually do. No sharp tongue stabbing at their insults. I let them bully me. I let them take away the last crumb of confidence I had, I let them break my last promise to myself. And that day, I went home and I cried. As I lay in the covers that day still in my uniform, my face buried in a pillow, i started to wonder if i had really ever changed at all. Because why should a relationship from years ago matter anymore? Why do I care? Why am I still ashamed? And why don't I feel like I know who I am anymore? After all these months trying to build myself back up, I finally though I had it down pat. And then it was like some kid at the beach knocked over my damned sand castle with his foot and stomped all over my castle's remains. All the work for nothing. All this work just for me to revert back to my old, pathetic self - actually, maybe I did change. I just got a little more pathetic. A lot more pathetic. That day, I knew I lost myself. And as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if its even worth it to go back and start at square one. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try and look in the mirror. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to find myself again.
  11. SoullessMarshmallow

    Guys And Weird Mistakes

    Ne, why would I be mad at you? thats totally cool! I’ll check yours out as well ^^
  12. Ne, so nice to finally revisit he site again~ my check ins have been so patchy for the past two months T__T I missed you guys~!!!

    1. Viper

      Viper

      Welcome back 

    2. Keiko

      Keiko

      Better than never…

    3. John jobs

      John jobs

      Hey, what i miss

  13. Honestly... I should really stop trying to show people my poems in real life T_T Things are just not working out for me, hehe.

    1. Keiko

      Keiko

      Poems are something personal after all.

  14. SoullessMarshmallow

    Guys And Weird Mistakes

    Haha, I know right?! Of course, I totally agree with you. That's what I was planning on doing first. And don't worry - it's just harmless teasing ^^ Nothing that would signal any insecurities, really. It's a good rule, and totally respectable. I have to disagree with you own the young and immature thing, though. Now, I won't argue that I'm mature enough (because really, is anyone at my age?), but I will say that I think it's a good practice for serious relationships or even marriage. Knowing how these things work first hand help me more than just putting it off to the side for a later date. I know that some things in relationships (ex. sex n stuff) should definitely be saved for a later date, I think if the relationship is pretty innocent, there's no harm in it It helps you find what you want in a partner, helps find yourself, and again, lets you know how relationships work and what you can do to make your current (or future) relationship better Of course, that doesn't mean it's okay to just throw yourself one relationship after the other. I mean it as in you find someone you think you're compatible with, and, well you know, give it a shot Definitely. I had to take a few days off, hehe. Blunt is good! Makes your comments much more genuine, especially compliments
  15. SoullessMarshmallow

    Guys And Weird Mistakes

    Thank you for he kind words. He has indeed messages me several times when I shut my phone off from panic and embarrassment haha ^^ Life is strange.
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