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SoullessMarshmallow

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Everything posted by SoullessMarshmallow

  1. Hello! Haha, wow. That was both extremely embarrassing and extremely relieving. Sorry for all of that emotional stuff. I just didn't know where else to put all of that stuff, you know? And I'd rather not delete them since they're a part of me. But now that I'm all cleared up, less emotional, but still kinda there, I feel like I can come back to this. Think things rationally, you know? And you guys guessed what I'm most likely gonna talk about! And you're right. It's the break up. Big surprise, right? Hehe, just kidding. I guess I should've seen it coming. After being a total mess for the past week, today marking the day I was dumped, I can say it got better. Just today is not one of my days, you know? Today really took its toll. Its not that I feel like, completely emotional, just ah, well, completely numb. Or half numb. Like you can still feel the pain, but it's fuzzy. Kind of like looking through sea glass. And the reason he broke up with me was well, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Said he wasn't mature enough to make every decision rationally. And he was right. He can't. and we've been facing that problem since our first fight. It still hurts, though, because I feel like I could have done something differently to change the outcome. Done something more or less of to make him stay. And then I have to remind myself that nothing I could've done would've made him stay, just because he wasn't ready for this. But there's just a part of me that says if I didn't ask him to open up to me, that if I just joked around, things would be different and he would stay. Then I have to tell myself yet again that it would've just terminated the relationship even sooner. I'm not in a good place, and I need to talk to someone. I can't talk to a brick wall constantly. And you know, that went well for a while. Him opening up. He did that after our first fight, and I thought things would only go well from there. It didn't. I should've seen all of it coming, but I think I was too goddamn in love with this guy to ever realize that he just wasn't ready, and i couldn't change that. Because I can't just joke around and do nothing. I need to talk to someone. Have deep conversations with people, you know? I just need to talk about feelings with people. And... And I guess that wasn't for him. It wasn't ever for him. And that hurts so much. But I didn't notice it at the time. I really, really did think things were turning up, and he became what I thought was my best friend. He made me feel so comfortable, so... so special. So safe and secure. I could trust him with just about anything. And I thought he could trust me with anything, tell me everything he wanted and felt like. Especially since I told him to communicate with me, trust me, in the beginning of the relationship, to set a good foundation. So I really did think that he was telling me everything, that he wasn't lying or not telling me stuff that he should be. Turns out I was wrong. And I should have known. It hurts more because like I said, I trusted him with just about everything. And I felt like that was okay with him, because he always reassured me that he wanted to be there for me. That he wanted me to lean on him for support. And that made me feel so damned secure and safe. But the thing that he said that really sealed the deal was what he said after a fight we had. I don't remember what the fight was about, or what I said, but I remember him saying that, "It's okay. I'd rather have you tell me that you're angry up front than let you build and bottle it up while I stay oblivious." That made me feel like I could really tell him anything. Even the problems I had with our relationship (which, of course, I'm supposed to. It just made me feel even more comfortable). Everything just felt so... so right. He would always say things like, "Hey, I want to help you. Please tell me what's going on," "I'm always here for you," "I don't want you to bottle this all up. It's not healthy." or, "Why didn't you just call me if you're having trouble sleeping?". That made me feel so happy. It was like someone was there for me after a really long time. Like someone was genuinely there. I didn't feel uncomfortable, i didn't feel like I was pushing myself to tell him anything. And since he told me all those reassurances, I really thought it was okay to lean on him whenever I felt bad, or when my depression had just gone to shit, because no one else was there. I didn't feel like anyone else cared but him. I always asked if it was okay. And he always said it was okay, so I thought it was okay. Big, big surprise: It actually wasn't. And I didn't find out until I asked him about it until after the break up. He told me he felt like I took advantage of him and his kindness. And that did something to me. I remember hanging up and feeling like such shit, like such a shitty human being. Feeling like I manipulated him without even knowing, feeling like such a piece of shit and wishing I wasn't me, wishing I was anyone but me. I felt pathetic and horrible and crappy. I felt like I hurt him, and that I was the worst person to ever exist. I wished I wasn't so depressed, so needy, so freaking weak, I wished I didn't have to lean on him. I cried for the rest of the time. I told my mom about it, asked her if i really was capable of taking advantage of someone like that. And... she told me something that stuck with me. She said that he's just manipulating me to make me feel like complete shit because he feels like complete shit. It's silly, right? I don't wanna believe it. I don't want to think that my best friend would do that. Manipulate me to think that. But now, now I'm starting to really think that he did. And that hurts me, scares me. Because now it feels like everything he ever said wasn't true. That he never really cared enough to actually be honest with you, to really want to be there for you, and damn, man. That hurts. Why would you lie to me about caring? About wanting to be there for me? But that's not the only hurtful thing I found out from that phone call. There were so many horrible truths - or lies, honestly. Who knows? - that I found out from that phone call. Another was when I asked him if it was hard, if he still missed me sometimes, he said he didn't know. Damn, that hurt. It hurts when you hear someone you miss so fucking bad, someone you loved so fucking hard, someone you gave so much to hear that they don't even know if they miss you. It's like tearing open your heart with a rusty knife. Goddamn did that fucking hurt. The best part about this? I ask him if it's hard for him to let go, too. If he's scared, just like me. If he's scared to let every single memory of us go. All of the inside jokes, all of the conversations, all of the kisses, all of us, everything that made us, go. Of course, i never said that. I just asked him if he was scared to let go, if it was hard for him, too. And he told me it wasn't He said he was ready to let go of everything. He told me not to be scared, that I should be ready to let go, too. And something about that, man. Something about that just broke me more than everything he said and did. He was so special to me, so fucking amazing and great and awesome and just, God, so amazing. He used to be so good to me. And he would always tell me that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me, and I would say the same thing back to him. And now, now he's just ready to let us go like it wasn't anything. Like we hadn't medicined each other for the past few months. I guess I should've known that he was ready to let go. That he was just done with us, that he didn't care anymore. He couldn't even face me when he broke it off. He called me. Couldn't even turn on his webcam to show me his face when he broke up with me. I had to ask him to do that for me. I should have known that I wasn't worth that, even though I felt like I was. Especially after everything I went through with him. But I guess I need to just face it - that I wasn't good enough for him. And it hurts to think that.He couldn't even tell me up front. I had to wait a day for him to call it off. And it was because he was tired and didn't want to waste data. I spent data on him all the time so that our calls wouldn't lag out so much (my wifi is absolute shit). God, man. i don't know. I really thought he was my best friend. I shared so much stuff with him. All of my favorite things with him. And I just thought that.. thought i could let every single wall fall down. I felt like we'd be together for a while. Maybe not forever, but a few years. I was that comfortable with him. Everyone thought we would be together for a few years. And.. and again. It's only five months. Maybe the only thing I'm really good for in relationships is physical pleasure. Maybe that's the thing that I'm built for. My only purpose. Because I clearly can't do the rest right, no matter what I freaking do. Sometimes I feel like my best will never be enough for anyone, because it's just that shit. that I'm just that shit. I just thought he was really different. But maybe that's because I went to a catholic school, in which I had about 20 other people to choose form that I've known since third grade. But he just felt so damn different. Everything felt so different. And I'm starting to wonder if he's just... not. If he just wasn't. I feel so broken. More broken than before I met him, more broken that ever. I'm terrified to trust people even more than I already did. I'm more scared that the people I already have in my life will just abandon me. I'm scared of everyone leaving me more, now. More than ever. I feel like no one really cares, or ever cared, except one person. I'm so scared that that one person, that one fucking person will leave me, too, just like everyone else. And I'm just so scared. I'm always so scared nowadays, and it upsets me how scares me - just everything. I'll continue this some other time. For now, I'm both exhausted and still badly hurting. I'm scared it won't stop, haha. But I have to be strong. gotta be strong for myself. Just gotta be strong.
  2. My boyfriend, if you people still read my stuff, nearly broke up with my tonight. I don’t know if we’re still together, and I don’t know if he still wants to be together. But I know one thing for certain: I know we can work this out. Sure. We’ve had rough sides, especially now. We’ve both made mistakes hat we shouldn’t have, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s the only person I’d want to make these mistakes with. The only person I’d want to share my chocolate with. The only person I’d want to hear a good morning from and a good night and an I love you from. I will never get bored of him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve thought I’d never get. But he’s here. And I want him to stay so badly. He says he feels restricted, and he just doesn’t know what he wants to do. But if he’s reading this - Idiot, if you’re reading this - I love you. So, so very much. And there’s nothing I’d want more than to stay with you. We can work this out, I promise. But you know guys, I just... I don’t know. I want him to WANT to be with me, but I don’t think he does. I just want him to want to be with me. I just want him.
  3. What have I done? To myself? To him? What have I done? Do I need to let go? It’s 6:38 AM in a London hotel. The bathroom in the run down hotel room is cold, despite the fact of just turning on the shower after rinsing off the blood from a nosebleed on my thighs. I’ve had a headache for the past week. I don’t think I’ve noticed much. No. Not much. What do I put this as? Blog? A docs? Just for me or for him or for everyone? Everyone. Yes, maybe everyone. Or no one at all. Or just me. I might print this out and burn it later. Is it the need to see him that makes me stay, or is it the guilt of letting go of a challenge hurting my pride? How much longer can I take him in? How much longer can he deal with me? Am I scared of losing him? Yes. Yes, definitely. But does that mean I should stay? No? Yes? What’s the difference? He listens. He knows. He cares. He’s patient and kind and considerate. He is innocence wrapped in warm blankets. I am not. I am everything but patient. And considerate. My temper is tightly leashed. I am nothing. I’m ruining him. Selfish. I am selfish. I am scared of losing something so kind and gentle. I am scared of losing a man with black hair, glasses, and a killer personality. I am scared of losing a fumbling idiot and our fourteen-hour phone calls. I am scared of someone else holding onto his arm and leaning into the crook of his neck on the floor of a book store. I am scared that someone else will get to see what only I have seen - down to his morning voice, his excited greetings, stupid inside jokes, atrocious singing in his basement, and especially the way his voice gets when he’s worried. It’s soft. So soft. I’ve never had someone speak to me that way before. And the way his hands hold my face right before I leave his house. I’m so scared, so absolutely terrified of someone else being able to rest their forehead against his, his arms wrapped around them tightly but gently as he leans against his bedroom wall, holding them close, begging them not to leave despite having plans the next morning. Begging them to stay, and ending up keeping them leaning against his forehead for another twenty minutes as they giggle, telling him they need to leave. I am scared of someone else holding his hand in the corner of a dark hall after watching a play. I am scared of him awkwardly fumbling around as he laces his hand into hers. I am scared that he’ll turn to her, despite her incessant teasing, with that stupid look. Like she’s the only person in the room. The only one occupying his vision. He’ll squeeze her hand as she turns away from embarrassment, laugh a bit as she turns back to him and glares at him. He won’t notice his face slowly getting closer to hers, but when he does, he whispers, “is this okay?”, and wait for her reply before slowly leaning in. God, his lips were dry. Haha. I am so, so scared. I am scared of losing someone that might not even be mine to keep. I am scared. I need to wash my face.
  4. Thank you I will keep this in mind. You take care of yourself as well
  5. Please, Rudilla, it’s not your fault. Don’t feel sorry! It’s only my own for being so naive that life would let me off that easily, haha. You were more than enough at the time, and I appreciate everything you’ve done. Don’t think that you didn’t do enough for me; I didn’t do enough for myself. Don’t you worry, though! I’ll try to be better... somhow. I’ll be better somehow.
  6. I’m too young to drink, but many of the adults in my family prefer white wine, beer, or sake. I have a feeling I’ll like red wine, though!
  7. I've lost myself. Maybe I haven't permanently lost myself, maybe it's for a while, maybe I'm just growing. Or maybe I'm stagnant and I've never really changed in the first place and I've just made an entire lie based around my growth, pretending that all the bad things I've done are nonexistent and that i got through them when I really didn't. Maybe I've always been that way for the past five years. I'd like to think that's not that case. That I made progress in some way, some shape, some sort of form that I just don't know yet. I don't think I have, though. I don't think I ever have. I think I'm the same scared little girl from all those years ago, the same girl waiting at the front of my house for a package every October. A package that never came. I still think I'm the same girl who let her first boyfriend use her over and over again, the same girl who severed her closest friendships for a boy who didn't matter. But the only thing that i think I'm not anymore, the only thing I no longer have in common with that girl is that I've finally lost every bit of my confidence. I've never felt fully confident since I was... God, since... since sometime. I think around eight? Nine? It's hard to remember. I had a lot of spunk and I smiled a lot and I was openly kind and I don't think i gave a damn about what anyone thought. And when people tried bullying me or teasing me I'd tease 'em right back and snap at them. I didn't let anyone walk over me. I wasn't their doormat. Things changed after third grade, of course. I learned of my parents' divorce and my dad's new family. It broke me and whatever and blah blah blah who cares. I never stood up for myself, even after the last phone call. Sure, i asked him why it had to be this way and why he didn't love me anymore and who-gives-a-shit-what-else-I-said, but I never told him to fuck off or whatnot because I wanted him to be there for me. With me. I never told him that though. After the last phone call, his last words to me... I don't remember anymore. I think he said he'd call me back and he loved me. But i knew he said he'd talk to me later when I felt better. We didn't, though, because he stopped answering his phone and he stopped calling. And I think that's when the confidence began to crack. It got worse every Christmas, every birthday. I no longer received presents from him or cards, and that made my self esteem to slowly crumble every time. I'd always hope I'd find something for me on the front porch on my birthday, but I already knew I wouldn't. I wasn't important anymore, and I just accepted that after a few years without any sign from him, it was just time to drop it. In my declining self esteem place was an increasing rate of a need for attention. But even then, i still had some confidence, some sort of self respect left for me. I promised myself that i wouldn't let anyone walk over me like that again. A few years later came my boyfriend at the time. My need for attention had gotten so bad and my self esteem had been so low that i decided to take him in despite all of my friends' warnings and all the red flags he waved in my face. Throughout that one, if you haven't read one of my previous entry, I let his hypocrisy affect me, let him control me, and let him pressure me into doing things I never wanted to do. I broke my promise to myself, and in its place, self-hate flourished. Even though I broke up with him eventually, I still never completely overcame that feeling he gave me about myself. But even then, i still had some sort of confidence, some sort of self respect. I told myself that he was someone close to you. This only happened because he was close to you. If he were anyone else, you would've stuck up for yourself and dropped connections with them right away. I forgave myself, and promised myself again that this would never happen. And then this year. This year was the all time low. A few months after the beginning of the school year, my self esteem was almost nonexistent and my happiness was swapped for the need for suicide and the feeling of depression. I Hated everything so much. And in a way, I still do. Just not as intensely. But I thought this was the year where I was going to finally say, "Fuck you. Fuck everything. I'm going to do whatever I want and get myself back. I'm going to be where I want to be. I'm going to be confident again." And for a time, I thought it was going well. I did say fuck you to a lot of things, and I did a lot of things that I've always wanted to do and I've said things that I've always wanted to do and I cleared my head and i worked on myself and although i was going against depression I knew i could make it out. i knew I was going to get out of here, one way or another. I was getting my life back on track, the way it should be. i thought I was doing amazing. Then of course, my fragile self had to ruin it for me. It started around two weeks ago. It was little comments here and there, with some of the guys, like two of them, who were my ex's friends saying stuff like, "Hey, remember [ex's name]?" And I'd laugh nervously and be like, "Haha, yep. Can we not talk about this since I have a boyfriend now?" and they'd drop it. Then it started more frequently, with them asking if I was back with my ex again. I denied of course, and said it was a different guy. They'd ask who and blah blah whatever. Then it got worse. i couldn't even mention any of my hobbies without them saying something about my ex. One time, i was asking one of my friends what she wanted me to sew for her birthday, and then this guy bursts in and says, "Hey, remember when you used to sew stuff for [insert ex's name]? Didn't he have like... a ton?" And then I'd have to nervously laugh and explain again that i had a boyfriend and it wasn't fair to him, but this time they wouldn't drop it. They called their other friends and they joined in, too, asking if i remembered my ex and everything I used to do for him. Even my supposed "friend" joined in on the teasing. When I couldn't take it anymore, I booked it as fast as i could. But they never stopped. Now everyday they harass me about my ex and remind me everything about him. The way he made me make out with him, the gifts i made him, but mostly the making out. He told everyone. And he told everyone that I sent him nudes and I sent him sexts and more horrible things. It was a few years ago, but now it's coming back to the surface and i don't know why. And I know i should already be over it but I'm not, because I'm still insecure about everything he did. The relationship scarred me so badly that i can't even handle PDA well, which isn't fair to my current boyfriend. Their harassment continued, and when I asked them why they were doing this, one of them said it was, "because it was funny. You guys made out in public." They laughed at me. I almost cried right there. I couldn't even say anything. I didn't want to remember. I don't even know why they're bringing it up at this point. But the thing that really broke me was when i was heading to one of my classes, and then an entire group of them started saying things like, "God, I wonder what [ex's name] and Mallow were doing behind the door that day," or "I wonder what happened to [ex's name] and Mallow." One of my former friends said that, and some of my current friends did nothing about it and even laughed along with them. I was a joke to them again. So I ran to the bathroom and huddled in a stall. I breathed a bit, one of my friends was there to comfort me. but as i was alone in that stall, it finally hit me that I had finally lost every bit of confidence I had and every last shred of self respect. I let a group of people who weren't supposed to matter bully me, and I didn't do anything about it. No witty comeback that I usually do. No sharp tongue stabbing at their insults. I let them bully me. I let them take away the last crumb of confidence I had, I let them break my last promise to myself. And that day, I went home and I cried. As I lay in the covers that day still in my uniform, my face buried in a pillow, i started to wonder if i had really ever changed at all. Because why should a relationship from years ago matter anymore? Why do I care? Why am I still ashamed? And why don't I feel like I know who I am anymore? After all these months trying to build myself back up, I finally though I had it down pat. And then it was like some kid at the beach knocked over my damned sand castle with his foot and stomped all over my castle's remains. All the work for nothing. All this work just for me to revert back to my old, pathetic self - actually, maybe I did change. I just got a little more pathetic. A lot more pathetic. That day, I knew I lost myself. And as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if its even worth it to go back and start at square one. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try and look in the mirror. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to find myself again.
  8. Ne, why would I be mad at you? thats totally cool! I’ll check yours out as well ^^
  9. Ne, so nice to finally revisit he site again~ my check ins have been so patchy for the past two months T__T I missed you guys~!!!

    1. Viper

      Viper

      Welcome back 

    2. Myouya

      Myouya

      Better than never…

    3. John jobs

      John jobs

      Hey, what i miss

  10. Honestly... I should really stop trying to show people my poems in real life T_T Things are just not working out for me, hehe.

    1. Myouya

      Myouya

      Poems are something personal after all.

  11. Haha, I know right?! Of course, I totally agree with you. That's what I was planning on doing first. And don't worry - it's just harmless teasing ^^ Nothing that would signal any insecurities, really. It's a good rule, and totally respectable. I have to disagree with you own the young and immature thing, though. Now, I won't argue that I'm mature enough (because really, is anyone at my age?), but I will say that I think it's a good practice for serious relationships or even marriage. Knowing how these things work first hand help me more than just putting it off to the side for a later date. I know that some things in relationships (ex. sex n stuff) should definitely be saved for a later date, I think if the relationship is pretty innocent, there's no harm in it It helps you find what you want in a partner, helps find yourself, and again, lets you know how relationships work and what you can do to make your current (or future) relationship better Of course, that doesn't mean it's okay to just throw yourself one relationship after the other. I mean it as in you find someone you think you're compatible with, and, well you know, give it a shot Definitely. I had to take a few days off, hehe. Blunt is good! Makes your comments much more genuine, especially compliments
  12. Thank you for he kind words. He has indeed messages me several times when I shut my phone off from panic and embarrassment haha ^^ Life is strange.
  13. Hello everyone! I know it's been a while since I've posted, but for the past week, I couldn't get this off my mind. So, I can't stop thinking about this guy. And, that's absolutely crazy for me. Like, how can I possibly be thinking about a guy I met just last week?! Well, um, I mean we text everyday. Often. And it's not even me who texts him first! And um, well, we talk for a while. At least an hour everyday. Nice chats. Very nice chats. He's really funny, and he offers to help me with homework when he learned that my school's curriculum is extremely behind in math. He once tried to convince me to go attend public school (he currently attends one), or even switch this year, and he's fun to text. He's not bothersome, he seems mature, and he gets my sense of humor (as eccentric as it may be). He sounds really smart, and from the short amount (or perhaps long?) of time that we've talked, it seems that he tries to give different views for different situations, and I'm not sure... AGH! I don't know how to handle this T_T It's been... a while since someone drove me this crazy. I don't even know if I like him! I mean, maybe I do since I think of him often? but I mean, I think of my friends often too! But I mean, I can't possibly like him since we've known each other for just a week! That's insane! I'm Insane! Oh god, what if he actually thinks I'm insane? Oh my gosh how do I handle this? Okay okay, maybe I should give some backstory. We met through a mutual friend during an orchestra rehearsal last Saturday, and we exchanged snapchats, League accounts, and phone numbers after the concert. He texts me everyday without fail, and everyday, we talk for at least an hour. Well, at least for the past week. And he's almost all I can think about. And I'm pretty sure I'm insane, because it's just insane to be thinking about a guy I've only met for a week. He teases me for my height, and asks me to play League, and it's really nice and I'm not sure how to handle it. But last night, I think I really screwed its up. We were talking again, not a big surprise. And he started teasing me for my height again, and of course, I get super tsundere when people do that. Then he said, "So this is the tsundere personality you told me about in All County, huh?" And like the idiot I am, my brain just LEFT ME and I said something really stupid. "Well, I'm not actually a tsundere." LIKE WHAT YES I AM A TSUNDERE WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF. and then we went on a huge conversation about how he thought fort the last week I've been pranking him that I was a tsundere by acting like a tsundere when I actually acted like how I would usually act. And then he started to say things like "Wait, so then you must like it when I tease you, right?" And then I panicked, I told him I was going to bed, and the last thing I saw him write was, "SO YOU SLEEP TO AVOID YOUR PROBLEMS" And I have no idea if he was joking or not, but I know he didn't mean to be mean, just blatantly realistic, and uh, yeah. Like, I feel like maybe.. oh god how do I explain this? Well, he's not necessarily wrong that I do sleep to avoid a lot of my problems, which, I know, isn't a healthy decision, but what I'm hoping is that I'm worried he's beginning to see through me when I know nothing about him? Maybe I'm just really bad at being supportive, or I just suck at trying to get to know people in real life.. I think I'm worried I'm going to have to open up, but technically, I'm the only one who can make myself open up, but if he actually sits me down today and asks me about my sleeping habits honestly and really wants to know what's going on with me, I don't want to lie either, so do I cover it up for now or do I just let it all spill out? But maybe he'll just find me weird if I tell him about everything, but I was planning on just opening up little by little, and this is really overwhelming me and I'm probably just overthinking everything, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point except overthink because he's just.. No, that's actually impossible. I've only known him for a week, and I can't possibly like someone who I've only known for a week. He probably thinks I'm insane and weird - no, he definitely thinks that. Oh god, I just messed it up for myself. I'm just so worried, you know? it's been such a long time since this has happened to me, and the last time I let my feelings out there, it just led to a really unhealthy relationship. I forced myself to open up and do everything to please my partner, but I just ended up destroying myself and all of my relationships. I... I want to change, and I always thought I grew from that situation. But now that I'm thrown back into this crazy rollercoaster again, am I doing the right thing? Am I forcing to do things I don't want to? Am I forcing this guy to do things he doesn't want to? Do I feel comfortable? Have I really changed? I know I've only known him for a week, but, I get really cautious when anyone - may it be potential partners, new friends, or old friends who're trying to get close with me again - try to open me up. It's stressful, and I don't want to go down the same unhealthy road once more. One time was enough. I don't need to do it again, and I don't want to bring someone along with me. I think I'm also scared that if I do open up, he'll either abandon me completely and never talk to me, or he stays and he tries to help. I'm scared of the only two possibilities that could happen, because if he just books out (which, I wouldn't blame him for. He has his own problems to take care of), it'll take forever for me to get over it, and it'll always be in the back of my mind how I'm just a stupid girl who's looking for people to dump her problems on. but if he stays, I'm just gonna drag him along on this insane road of my stupid problems and my slowly deteriorating mental state. And It might affect him too. Either road is a bad road, because I'm still very selfish. And I don't even know if I'm ready for a relationship again. Will I be able to handle the responsibility of being someone's girlfriend again? I don't even know if he's ready for a relationship. Maybe we're still just immature children looking for someone to accept them for who they are. Maybe we're just meant to be friends and support each other in the long run. Maybe this is a one time thing I get for still hanging in there. Maybe this is the last time we'll talk and I'll never actually see or talk to him again. Maybe he really does think I'm a weird, eccentric girl. Maybe he thinks I'm the weirdest girl he's met. I'd definitely think that if I met me. Maybe he doesn't care for me at all, and I'm just an afterthought to text when he has no one else to text. But maybe, even though I've known him for only a week, maybe things could happen. Maybe healthy things could happen. Maybe this could become something. I mean, he's not a bad person, so it's not entirely impossible. Right? I mean, I guess I kinda like him.
  14. Rainbow's End.m4a

    hoping to get some feedback on this song I’m working on ^_^ It’s the first time I’m playing a piece after being MIA for four years on the piano 

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    2. Myouya

      Myouya

      Greatest thing ever

    3. Wodahs

      Wodahs

      I enjoyed it

      listened to it twice 

      I think you've done well 

    4. Myouya

      Myouya

      @Wodahs It sounds so good, doesn't it?

  15. The embarrassment from dying so many times without killing anyone while playing LOL is unmatched xD@_@

    1. Mazino

      Mazino

      Stop feeding @SoullessMarshmallow :D

      Which champions/roles do you play?

    2. SoullessMarshmallow

      SoullessMarshmallow

      @Muco I usually play support with Annie since I can’t kill for my life xD how about you?

    3. Mazino

      Mazino

      I prefer midlane or jungle, mostly playing champions like Twisted Fate or Warwick. :D

      Nice to know a fellow LOL player.

  16. I'm a huge fan of them! I've played things like Mystic Messenger and Midnight Cinderella and Liar!, but I haven't revisited the community in a while ^^; It makes me sad that I can't be apart of a harem like in the games!
  17. Glad to be apart of this forum. People on many parts of the internet are so quick to judge. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Mazino

      Mazino

      We're glad to have you around, @SoullessMarshmallow

    3. Wedgy

      Wedgy

      While it's true that some places are more toxic than others, this place is happily not one of them. : )

    4. Wodahs
  18. I have never felt smaller today than ever before. 

    1. Myouya

      Myouya

      Come on, you're anything but small on the inside and in some people's hearts.

      Did everything I've said mean nothing? I refuse to think that.

      I have faith that you'll make it through.

  19. Ahhh, I’m only a few seconds in, but I really like it! I expected it to be mediocre, but it’s pretty good. The way you talked wasn’t boring. Unlike most anime you tubers who do these things, you sounded very clear and interested in the video. However, I recommend that you add more personality into your voice/video to attract more people and set you apart from others in your genre. Try going a little off script occasionally, or make a joke in some parts. You’ve got a lotta talent, but just add more personality in the video, and it’ll be awesome! I also suggest making the transition from your intro to your topic more smoothly. Something about it just doesn’t sit well with me. But anyway, Honestly, really good job Can’t wait to see where you’ll go!!
  20. YURURIN!!

    Where've you been? :o 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. yururin

      yururin

      ah, i should've gave a heads up, sorry 'bout that! haven't had the flu since i was a child, but man let me tell ya' it's worse then i remember! it literally sucked all of the remaining life out of my body, but i'm all good now! ~ ┏(^0^)┛

      and thank yoooou! ~

       

    3. SoullessMarshmallow

      SoullessMarshmallow

      It’s okay~ Hey, at least you came back, right? Geez, that’s horrible! I’ve never had the flu, but if I did, I’d probably die because I’ve got asthma ;-; I also wouldn’t like the remaining life sucked out of me either xD Good to hear you’re feeling better!! And no problem!!!

      also, you still need to tell me your useless clam fact of the week xD 

    4. yururin

      yururin

      ooooh, of course! who could forget about the useless clam fact of the week? my hands are getting clammy just thinking about all of the amazing clam facts i've neglected. detective clamster is on the hunt for clam facts and will report to duty soon. ~

  21. Slightly scared I won’t be able to save my husbando in Fantasy Life today D: I hope I don’t screw this up xD 

    1. Mars Terra

      Mars Terra

      Mallow-chan, fight on! >=3

    2. Myouya

      Myouya

      Don't let it happen easily though.

  22. Depends on the character. Sometimes, if I have a really good feel of what I think they’re like, I jump to the letter. If I’m still hesitant about how to design them, I create a profile.
  23. I have! Except I follow an account on Instagram that gives really interesting prompts to write about. I also do this exercise where I have my character "write me a letter" in order to get to understand them better ^^
  24. Ah, I know that ^^ I just like reading the books because a lot of the times they contain helpful exercises and good writing tips. Although I appreciate your advice, I do prefer reading books for guidance, but I still do write freely and try to understand my characters ^^ Touche! I fully agree with you ^^
  25. You know, I never realized how jealous I am as a writer of other people of the arts. Like, I know a lot of people write, and I know people still make books, I know that. I know a lot of people enjoy writing, and I know any people appreciate writing and understand what a task it is to do. But I don't get why it's kind of... pushed aside compared to the other arts. Liike, there's drawing, sculpting, painting - you know, the visual arts where you can see things, and perhaps feel something. You gotta really give it to these guys because it's so hard to blend different colors and find good color schemes.. all that stuff, y'know? And then if it's well drawn, then they get a lot of recognition and positive vibes coming from their classmates and other people. Everyone really recognizes their talents at a glance, and they really get appreciated - which is great, really! The more attention each community gets, the better, right? It's wonderful they get the recognition they deserve. And then there's the preforming arts - you know, music and all that jazz. I'm in this, too, actually! People listen, and if you're good, they congratulate you and give you a lot of support and recognition. If you play in public, a lot of people are amazed you can even play a clean, crisp note. I might have exaggerated that last bit, but you get what I mean. You can write music in your book, or compose in public, and a few people could come up to you and chat you up and say how cool it is to be able to understand music. You can carry books that teaches you how to harmonize well or how to create emotional melodies, and no on really judges you. You can come up with catchy beats that hook people in an instant, or maybe preform and earn a lot of recognition. Again, props to everyone in this community. I know how hard it is to get good at your instrument, and how passionate you gotta be and all that jazz And then there's writing. For a while, ever since I started, I always felt below everyone else in the arts community. Sure, I've got my pros, like not having to carry around an instrument or big art supplies to create things- just a small notebook and pen, that's all. And I don't have to deal with people crowding around me when I'm working, which is really good because I like to concentrate. But of course, like every other thing, there are cons. I don't immediately get recognized because writing isn't exactly eye catching, you know? There aren't any colorful things going on, or any soothing music coming out from my ink worn pages, just words on the surface. Nothing to see. And in a way, it's good, and it shouldn't bother me all too much, because why should it, eh? But it does, because you see all these young, very talented visual artists budding and getting a lot of "wows" and "you're os good", and a lot of gifted musicians being praised for their work, and then, you're kind of.. there. Notebook and pen in hand, with a lot of people thinking it's your diary because you don't let anyone read it, hehe. A lot of kids, including my teachers, think it's my own personal diary since I hate it when people touch it, and I'm always writing in it. That shouldn't bother me either, but it gets kind of annoying when you realize that a lot of people in your class think you're super emo and edgy since you've got a "diary" with you at all times, y'know? And when teachers come around and your friend is drawing, they're always congratulating them and saying how good they are, and when they look at me scribbling ideas in my writing journal, they always assume I'm working on homework or classwork, or I'm documenting my feelings for the day. Which is extremely annoying, since they give me that look that says, "Wow, no need to tell us you've got problems, sweetheart." I always carry a writing help book with me. They're what they are, books that help you with writing, like creating characters, making good dialogue, all that stuff. I'm young and I want to be able to understand good methods and a good process for writing, so I read them often whenever I can - usually in public. When people ask me what I'm reading, the chuckle a bit and say how stupid it is to be reading a book about writing, how silly it is to read about something that everyone know how to do. Once, when I told a younger kid on the bus what I was reading, he thought I was reading how to have better hand writing, which was really stupid, so now he thinks that I read books that teach me how to perfect script. I get a lot of different reactions from people when I tell them that. A lot of them say it's silly, and it's really bothersome, because how can they just assume that writing is just.. is just an intro, body, and conclusion? How can they think that and expect themselves to be great at writing. I once told a girl I was reading a writing help book, and when I explained to her why I need to read it, she called me stupid because writing was so easy. She said all you had to do was come. up with a character, a story, a beginning middle and end and that's it. No heart, no nothing. No emotion. When I asked her what about emotion, she said to write whatever the character was feeling, and she added, "No one reads anymore, anyways." And it honestly just pissed me off. Like, how can you say that - how can you say us writers don't need help because "everyone already knows how to write and no one reads anymore"? If a visual artists read a book about how to sketch better or been colors more vibrantly, not a lot of people would tell them they'r stupid for doing it because "everyone already knows how to draw." Like, no, not everyone knows how to draw. Maybe everyone knows how to draw, actually, but no one knows how to draw well. Same goes for writing. Some people like that girl just think they know how to write because they've gotten an A on a creative essay once. And it really bugs me. How can you say that? Writers shouldn't be treated like that. Shouldn't all people in The Arts be treated equally, despite their chosen Art? Why do a lot of people just assume writing is easy - why do they just assume that it doesn't take a lot of effort to write? Why do they think us writers aren't just as good and don't work as much as everyone else? Why do so many people just throw us to the side? We work just as much as everyone else to perfect our craft. We should be treated equally. Why can't writers be recognized for their talents just as quickly as the other people in The Arts? I know everyone else works very hard, I know that. I know there are different pros and cons to each thing, but it's just.. it's so annoying, almost unfair that writers can't get the same recognition as other people. We can't just show anyone our manuscript and ask us to tell us what they think because it'll take too long, or no one would want to read it. Writers only get a handful of compliments here and there because it's just.. Ugh, how do I explain this? Oh, here's an example: I once shoed one of my stories to a younger kid on my bus last year, and she started laughing at it because she thought I was writing about some with long fingers, when I really was just writing about someone weaving and sewing. I've been told that my writing leans toward the more descriptive and 'deeper' side, and I know each person has a different taste, but this same girl started oo-ing and ahh-ing at my artist friend's latest drawing. Her drawings are extremely detailed and intricate, very abstract. Almost like the visual representation of my writing. So it's kind of disheartening hearing that from a little kid, but seeing her run off and praising my friend. I just.. ah, I'm sorry. It's just really bothering. Anyway, those are my thoughts and experiences. I'm not sure if it's just where I am, but that's how I've always been treated. there are of course a select few at my school who don't treat me like that, but you know, majority rules, eh?

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