Soramee_

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time. This sounds pretty rough, in a concerning way. Have you tried asking your parents to go with you and speak to a doctor about it? It might help give you proper care and clarity. 

There's always hope left, even when it doesn't feel like it. Keep it in mind if you can't keep it in heart right now.  

I don't know your story but, it sounds to me that what you need is a personal confidant - a "sympathetic ear" that you can release this energy around privately in harmless ways. Unfortunately you have stated yourself that you have difficulty trusting others; I honestly don't blame you for this. I am sorry to say that decent people are in very short supply in this particular era...at least in most places outside of Japan - where the people there live in a tribalistic society with customs of hospitality where everyone is expected to take care of one another personally, not because it's their job or because they're being paid to do it. While I have personally never been over there myself, I think this is one of the best aspects of Japanese Society that is portrayed in anime. I realize that to some extent the main characters are being presented as an ideal to be emulated, not necessarily because it is common behavior over there. Even so, does this make such a tight-knit social structure any less desirable? It's a rhetorical question. I think it is something worthy of meditating on. We can talk in PM if you would like to.