Soramee_

I wish my school life was more exciting. I watched this series right before entering high school and now my year as a freshmen has ended. I wish I could have gone somewhere else. On top of being boring, I hate my school life. I just want to have a life like they did and be happy. On top of that i got depression. I will genuinly do anything to make my life more exciting but it's nearly impossible. On top of having a complicated family situation, my school has no club system or anything really, i have to fake my emotions and fellings at school and everyone of my "friends" became toxic. I hate this all. It's as if all my motivation disappeared for no reason since i got depression. I just want to be stronger like haruhi and chase my ideals like kyon. I just want to be happy for once... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely lost. Even when I want to change it doesn't work. I really hate this. shit im starting to cry. Been a long time since I did tho... My parents keep brushing off what is happening as a normal adolescent thing and doesn't help me when i need help. I've always been alone but I wish I could at least get a real friend sometime. I really want a life like kyon. I really really really want this to happened. I know I have to put a lot efforts but I don't know what to do. I was seeing a light of hope recently since I could go to japan as an exchange student but it seems it won't work out... why can't anything go my way. this song really makes my real self get out uh. To think i was so close to being happy... The only thing I can think of doing right now to help myself is to finish my audition for an haruhi abridged series. it hasn't started yet and actually I don't know if they terminated the project since it has been a year, I was so scared, i did absolutely nothing, but I guess haruhi made me a bit more motivated lol. I honestly still am scared but I want to get out of this loop once and for all. Dammit I just want to watch anime and play video games without being depressed like konata. I love haruhi and I want to be part of this abridge series but I doubt the creator would be happy with what I send him or the fact it took so long to send it. I just wanna fool around and have fun like any teenagers do before i have to go and find a job and have a repetitive life. please help. Honestly this song is very important to me and I love it so maybe that's why I started writing that full emotional paragraph lol. At least it's finally summer now and I don't have to deal with school. but i also have to deal with even more work now. Especially since my parents are forcing me to do it. I know having an early job experience is beneficial but do you ever think about me like i am or just as another kid, also I just want to take my free time to get out of this depression or try to be happy for once. I don't even trust my own feelings anymore. It just hurts. it's to the point where I can't express any emotions when doing what I like. I actually feel like a robot at this point. Is this what an existential crisis is? nothing makes sense anymore. I have zero self esteem too so this isn't helping. On top of that I have some trauma that I had to live all my life with. this may sound as weird or non trusty but these are all my real thoughts. I really want to work on this audition but since I have to speak loudly i can't wake up my parents too or else they will get pissed and ban me from using my computer for some time lol. At least my mom understand me a bit more than my dad. why did I wrote that.