Soramee_

Haven’t done anything I wanted to do for the past week. I even skipped some days but I just ended up sleeping. This is really painful. I want to play games or read visual novels but i don’t have any energy. I just wanna have fun. I did play with my new friend but it was mostly me sitting in a vc with her and her friends saying nothing. It wasn’t really fun lol. But I’m used to it at this point. Never finding anybody to talk to or anybody I can connect with. Never having genuine fun and not being able to say anything I truly think. I feel like I need a lot of rest but I won’t able to get it since it’s always more important for my parents for me to go to school and get good results on exam. Even on days I need rest I’m still forced to study, to catch up what I’m missing, not being allowed to do anything I like and because I’m only left with the option of sleeping so it can be the night faster. I’m scared of even talking about what I feel or what I think. I’m scared of posting this. Idk why. If I want to fight back to get more rest and actually recover even just a little bit I would need to fight and… that would just hurt me and hurt my parents even more. I always need to look happy with everyone. I always need to put a mask. Idk what to do. Nothing affects me anymore. I don’t feel anything. Whenever there is a chance I get happier my brain just changes correlates it to something I hate and makes me forget the rest. This is torture. I can’t even cry. I can’t even shout. My body won’t let me. I have become so scared of my parents coming down in my room in a panick, like they always do, that the moment I cry, the idea of them coming into my room just keeps appearing in my head continuously without it going away and in the end making my body stop crying. I can’t even feel relief. I can’t even feel emotions. I can’t even control my body. I can’t focus. I can’t remember anything. I can’t feel comfortable. I can’t be myself. I can’t even say anything to anybody. I can’t do things I like. What just what am I supposed to do anymore. I need help. Sorry for being selfish but I really need help. I need someone to help me. This is my last call. This is the only place with remains of myself.