A Child's Dream (How I used to Smile)

[SAO LILDOOP]

Title: A Child's Dream (How I used to Smile)

 

Do you remember how I used to cry, how I used to sigh and fake a smile, how I used to lie and live in denial?

Do you remember how I used to curse, how I used to fight and how I used to lose?

Do you remember how you'd be my nurse? Stitch me up nice with whatever was in you're purse. 

Do you remember how ungrateful I'd be, playing it cool, hoping you didn't see, what it was like to be me.

Do you remember how I used to smile? Do you remember, cause its been a while...

 

Do you remember how I hated the rain, how the cold showers only reminded me of my pain?

Do you remember how I used to cut, I wore long sweaters so you wouldn't see, what it was like to be me.

But you did... and you stayed.

 

Do you remember how I used to write letters everyday, do you remember how hard it was to say?

Do you remember unfolding that note, do you remember what it was like to choke, back the tears and back my fears?

Do you remember what I looked like, dangling from that rope? 

Do you remember what it was like to be me?

 

But I swear I didn't do it, I swear I was stronger, 

I swear I didn't let you down, I swear I'd have held on longer, 

I-it w-was this drunk driver you see, came out of nowhere and ended my misery...

I swear I didn't let you down, but after all, you know what it was like to be me...

 

Now, as you stand over me, are you crying or is that rain?

I can feel its soft pitter patter on this stone-cold grave. 

Please, tell me you remember, please, tell me their tears,

please, tell me you love me, and I'll tell you, "Be brave". 

Please, cry me a river, please, cuss me out cold, 

please, say you adore me, please, don't be so controlled...

 

I can you feel you're soles, feel you're temperature, feel you're chain, 

I can you feel Jane, feel you again, but can you feel me, beneath all this terrain?

Oh, Jane, please, just let me share you're pain...

You've borne mine so long I can stand to see you go on, not like this...

But just once more, could you cry for me? 

Could you show you care for me, still have that picture of me?

remember when we were three, and we climbed that tree?

R-remember, how I asked you to marry me, down on one knee, just a baby?

Oh Jane, won't you please cry for me?

 

Now I hear your parents, "Come on lets go",

and I hope, just hope, you urging them, "no".

Now the footsteps grow distant, which welcomes the thunder, 

welcomes the rain and welcomes the sputter.

If only now, then what then? Were those truly you're tears, for me, being shed?

But now I lie all alone, with only my thoughts, 

and that single nagging question, 

do you remember how I used to...

Can you forget how I used to:

cry, sigh, lie, curse, fight, lose? 

And just remember how I used to...

Smile?

 

Can you remember how I used to laugh, 

those rare times I wasn't bleeding in the bath.

Can you remember how we used to talk, 

it wasn't always about death, tragedy and pain, 

don't you remember the days when it didn't rain?

Say you remember my voice, that giggle I'd try to hide, 

tell me you remember my choice, my resolve to make you my bride.

And a child's dream never changes, it just learns to migrate into the recesses,

and the recesses of the brain, away from where all the pain is...

 

And I think I know now, just why I'm here. 

It's a message from above, packaged up neat and delivered here, 

to the doorstep of my fear, written in capitals, crystal clear. 

And yet... It's like staring through a cold can of beer, on a hot summer's day.

Like staring through a tear while you're begging me to stay.

And it's hit me like a punch right to the gut, that you'd ask me to stay even today.

Yes, I guess, I was always right and you didn't mean it; that tight lipped facade was so that you could believe it.

But you couldn't, though you would, until today...

And that's okay, I mean, it's true, what can I say?

A child's dream never dies, it just migrates into the recesses and the recesses of the mind...

Away from where all the pain is.

 

Edited June 27, 2020 by SAO LILDOOP