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Just got out of a pretty rough relationship :/


AlwaysSearching
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Hey all, first time on here since 2020 and well, I've certainly had better times in my life lol

Just broke things off on a relationship that I'd been in for 8 or 9 months, it was... messy.

Ultimately, the girl I was with was literally a self-described "tyrant"... her words, not mine. She never once compromised on anything, kept me at arms length, essentially made it my job to move things along as she would sometimes go weeks without replying to me and never once made the first move on anything.

The only reason it lasted so long was because we had deep conversations that told me I was misunderstanding the parts of her that felt distant, and I felt in reality she was accepting me more than anyone ever had!

But in the end she wasn't accepting anything about me, she was just indifferent, at least by my definition. And the shitkicker is I had suspected it from the beginning, but all of our conversations told me I was just acting insecure and that it wasn't true!

But I learned a lot about love and myself from the experience. I'm trying to re-educate myself on self-respect for starters, and I learned that the types of people I can feel love for are far more varied than I had thought!

I'll be alright, it hurt at first but ultimately I was being mistreated and even what I felt for her was just what I felt for who I THOUGHT she was. I'm better off getting out of that relationship rather than trying to make things work with someone that won't go out on a ledge for me as I would for them.

On a positive note, that experience has brought me back here! Of course I'm not just looking for love in a place like this, I also just feel super super guilty for abandoning this place back in 2020 :/

I miss just being able to talk about anime with people lol

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I'm sorry about your relationship!

I may not be able to help ease your broken heart but I can tell you it will get better eventually and "Welcome back!

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Hello and welcome back to the forums.

I can relate to this a lot. It's been about one year since me and my ex broke up from an 8 month relationship which was extremely rocky. In that time I had to deal with her being suicidal, self-harming, prone to outbursts over extremely minor things, belittling me to a point where my confidence was so low I didn't believe I'd ever be able to find a job out of fear of doing things wrong. It culminated in me being on the end of a minor case of domestic abuse and her getting with one of my close friends about 2 weeks after we parted and having to cut off my entire friend group.

Things will always get better. I'm now working a job I enjoy (for the most part), with a new group of friends and my confidence is as good as it's ever been. If she was your first girlfriend when you'll think about her from time-to-time, and a part of you will probably always still care for her. I know a part of me does, despite all the stuff that happened. In the end you've done what's best for you and your own well-being and you will reap the rewards of it in the end!

And there's no need to feel guilty! We all have lifes outside the internet (thankfully) :D

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Welcome Home! I understand this situation so much...I've been married twice and divorced twice...the first was, like you, I fell in love with who I thought they were. I didn't see who they actually were until it was too late. The second was because of the first. I had almost zero self-esteem left, and she fed on being able to manipulate me to get everything she wanted from me. I finally built up enough backbone and I ended it. I know it will take me learning to love myself before I can love someone else again, but I am well on my way thanks to the best of friends. My advice? Keep moving forward. Don't dwell on what was. Don't blame yourself, either. Remember, you will overcome this! 

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6 hours ago, RZ. said:

Hello and welcome back to the forums.

I can relate to this a lot. It's been about one year since me and my ex broke up from an 8 month relationship which was extremely rocky. In that time I had to deal with her being suicidal, self-harming, prone to outbursts over extremely minor things, belittling me to a point where my confidence was so low I didn't believe I'd ever be able to find a job out of fear of doing things wrong. It culminated in me being on the end of a minor case of domestic abuse and her getting with one of my close friends about 2 weeks after we parted and having to cut off my entire friend group.

Things will always get better. I'm now working a job I enjoy (for the most part), with a new group of friends and my confidence is as good as it's ever been. If she was your first girlfriend when you'll think about her from time-to-time, and a part of you will probably always still care for her. I know a part of me does, despite all the stuff that happened. In the end you've done what's best for you and your own well-being and you will reap the rewards of it in the end!

And there's no need to feel guilty! We all have lifes outside the internet (thankfully) :D

I feel for your story man, it's exrtaordinary how mant of your close relationships had to suddenly be totally replaced just because of 1 person. Actually kinda scary that it could happen like that 😟

It's been pretty easy to change my kneejerk mental reactions to remembering her because at the end of the day, she was never who I fell in love with. So I'll get over her soon enough, its the wasted time and connections I could have formed with other people that I'll struggle to get over🙁

And I'm glad that so far your story was able to find a happy ending, the deck was stacked against you but somehow you managed to rebuild with new people! What you did was incredibly admirable, I hope you have pride in that 👍

5 hours ago, Otaking66lives said:

Welcome Home! I understand this situation so much...I've been married twice and divorced twice...the first was, like you, I fell in love with who I thought they were. I didn't see who they actually were until it was too late. The second was because of the first. I had almost zero self-esteem left, and she fed on being able to manipulate me to get everything she wanted from me. I finally built up enough backbone and I ended it. I know it will take me learning to love myself before I can love someone else again, but I am well on my way thanks to the best of friends. My advice? Keep moving forward. Don't dwell on what was. Don't blame yourself, either. Remember, you will overcome this! 

It's incredible how blind you can be when you feel love for someone, you'll even ignore your gut in favor of believing in them and what they tell you. The whole experience makes one vulnerable emotionally and in my case, even your beliefs will be actively challenged and thrown into question by that person.

Right now I feel like I'm needing to rebuild myself in my own eyes pretty similar to what you're working on. We've both got to get to a place where WE are enough for ourselves... at least for now.

And you did well seeing the signs and standing up for yourself! You made some hard decisions but you made them because you believe in a better future for yourself than being a punching bag.

Here's to a future of self-respect for all ✌!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey, I remember you! 

What an unfortunate way to get reacquainted with someone and what they've been up to. 

On 3/31/2022 at 11:57 PM, AlwaysSearching said:

But I learned a lot about love and myself from the experience. I'm trying to re-educate myself on self-respect for starters, and I learned that the types of people I can feel love for are far more varied than I had thought!

 I'm glad you came out the other side learning more about yourself and various other types of relationships. At least there was something you could take away from this in the end. 

On 4/1/2022 at 9:28 AM, AlwaysSearching said:

its the wasted time and connections I could have formed with other people that I'll struggle to get over🙁

A sentiment I can't agree more with. Not particularly over a partner (my ex was a wonderful companion), overall with general relationships. I feel like I gave a lot of my time and energy to people that hardly ever appreciated it in the past. Breaking away from those kinds of bad habits is absolutely liberating. 

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38 minutes ago, notEli said:

A sentiment I can't agree more with. Not particularly over a partner (my ex was a wonderful companion), overall with general relationships. I feel like I gave a lot of my time and energy to people that hardly ever appreciated it in the past. Breaking away from those kinds of bad habits is absolutely liberating. 

Yep, that right there is something I've struggled with for most of my life now. Friends or relationships, I've had issues with both where I'm often made to feel the desparate one that always has to reach out. Frankly I'm tired of that dynamic. Luckily I have friendships that dont always go that way, but when I meet new people and almost immediately get made to feel like I care way more than they do... really fucks with my head.

I'd like to feel a bit more appreciated, that's all. I'm glad you can relate... except the fact you can relate means you had to deal with a lot of hurt yourself so maybe it's not such good news 🙃

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1 hour ago, AlwaysSearching said:

Yep, that right there is something I've struggled with for most of my life now. Friends or relationships, I've had issues with both where I'm often made to feel the desparate one that always has to reach out. Frankly I'm tired of that dynamic. Luckily I have friendships that dont always go that way, but when I meet new people and almost immediately get made to feel like I care way more than they do... really fucks with my head.

I'd like to feel a bit more appreciated, that's all. I'm glad you can relate... except the fact you can relate means you had to deal with a lot of hurt yourself so maybe it's not such good news 🙃

Kind of grateful that that hasn't been the case for a couple of years now but yeah, it's definitely made me cautious of new acquaintances and potential friendships. Better safe than sorry I guess. 🙃

Yeah, I learned not to make excuses or compromise beyond my capabilities. 

I think being guilt-ed into doubt was my biggest hurdle out of this mentality. Naturally when you want to separate yourself from stressful situations it can be seen as running away or not putting up a fight for someone you care about. I had some people try to push guilt my way over wanting healthier connections and friendships. It was nice to break out of that cycle and learn a lot from the process. 🙂

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4 hours ago, notEli said:

I think being guilt-ed into doubt was my biggest hurdle out of this mentality. Naturally when you want to separate yourself from stressful situations it can be seen as running away or not putting up a fight for someone you care about. I had some people try to push guilt my way over wanting healthier connections and friendships. It was nice to break out of that cycle and learn a lot from the process. 🙂

It sounds like a test of your strength that you passed with flying colors. Not a test I'd ever purposely give to someone but hey... results I guess? It really hurts when people start questioning who you are at your core when a relationship is at the heart of it, it feels like so much is on the line and the stress can feel towering.

I'm glad you're on the other side of your struggle, it's good to remember how things like this don't last forever and they're just a time in your life.

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26 minutes ago, AlwaysSearching said:

It sounds like a test of your strength that you passed with flying colors. Not a test I'd ever purposely give to someone but hey... results I guess? It really hurts when people start questioning who you are at your core when a relationship is at the heart of it, it feels like so much is on the line and the stress can feel towering.

I'm glad you're on the other side of your struggle, it's good to remember how things like this don't last forever and they're just a time in your life.

You really think so? Thanks for drawing the comparison to something like strength. Kind of sucks to cut free from toxic environments and feel like your 110%, 120%, 130%- etc. will never be enough for some people. 

Best advice I've ever read was "Those who get upset with you for setting boundaries are those who benefitted from you not having any." I think I used to let others hold kindness hostage for a bit. Eh, live and learn.

Glad you're back on AF by the way. :) Hope you have a great time here. 👍

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