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Post some dad jokes


viruxx

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1 hour ago, efaardvark said:

Have you heard about the new extreme camping trend?

It’s in tents.

 

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

 

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?

You should never press your luck.

I really, really want a "groan" emoji.  That batch of jokes are soooo bad they're excellent 😄 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Some really evil ones....

What do evil cows say?

Moo ha ha.

 

What do you call evil duck rituals?

Fowl practices.

 

Why don’t vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Over one hundred years ago, everyone owned horses and the rich were the only ones who owned cars.

Today, everyone owns cars and the rich own horses.

My, how the stables have turned.

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A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

The bartender asked him, "What's the deal with the steering wheel?"

The pirate replied, "ARRR!!! It's drivin' me nuts!"

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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

 

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

 

I don't trust trees.

They seem kind of shady.

 

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style?

Yeah, they're making headlines.

 

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the no-bell prize.

 

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

 

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind—it's tearable.

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  • 2 weeks later...

What is the least expensive cut of meat ever?

Deer balls. They're under a buck!

 

What city do all the bad cooks come from in Alabama (or England, for our friends across the pond)?

Burningham

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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

 

Why was the rabbit upset?

He was having a bad hare day.

 

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

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How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.

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2 hours ago, viruxx said:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

This could get complicated.  By law you must turn your headlights on if it is raining here in California as well.  :D

(Actually I think the law says something like "if visibility is reduced then..." since that covers night time as well but the rule of thumb for rainy days is that if you have to turn your windshield wipers on then you should turn your lights on as well.  I do know that around here [SoCal] you'll get pulled over and have a little talk with a traffic cop if you don't.)

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16 minutes ago, efaardvark said:

This could get complicated.  By law you must turn your headlights on if it is raining here in California as well.  :D

(Actually I think the law says something like "if visibility is reduced then..." since that covers night time as well but the rule of thumb for rainy days is that if you have to turn your windshield wipers on then you should turn your lights on as well.  I do know that around here [SoCal] you'll get pulled over and have a little talk with a traffic cop if you don't.)

I think it's the same here in North Carolina, too. My truck's headlights will automatically come on when lighting conditions get darker, so I usually don't have to worry about it, unless a bulb burns out or something. Then, as you say, a state trooper or sheriff's deputy will probably have some words with you. 😬

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11 hours ago, efaardvark said:

This could get complicated.  By law you must turn your headlights on if it is raining here in California as well.  :D

(Actually I think the law says something like "if visibility is reduced then..." since that covers night time as well but the rule of thumb for rainy days is that if you have to turn your windshield wipers on then you should turn your lights on as well.  I do know that around here [SoCal] you'll get pulled over and have a little talk with a traffic cop if you don't.)

If the traffic cop asks why you've not got your lights on you just tell him that it's not raining in Sweden so therefore you don't need to have your lights on.

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