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An odd job man knocked on the door of a house and asked if there any jobs he could do.
The householder said yes, you can paint the porch round the back.

A few hours later the odd job man knocked on the door again and said I've done what you asked,
but I think you should know that it's a Lamborghini not a Porsche.

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Why did the dad joke cross the road?

To get to the other sigh.

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I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

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Have you heard the pizza joke?

It’s a bit cheesy.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

Give it ten tickles.

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Two fish are in a tank.  One turns to the other and asks, "how do you drive this thing?"

 

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other night.  I should'a put it on aloha setting.

 

What's E.T. short for? 

He's only got little legs.

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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?” 
 

“No, go right ahead.” the woman replied.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora.”, and sits back down.

”Thanks”, says the woman. “That means a lot.”

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I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

 

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Edited by efaardvark
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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

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Why can’t you trust stairs?

They're always up to something and will let you down.

 

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam.

Edited by efaardvark
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