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A man walked into a doctor's surgery and said: “I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”


The doctor looked at him and replied, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

 

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Why wouldn't the clam share its pearl?

 

Because it was shell-fish

 

I hope this is okay to post, but I was reminded of this song my sister had when I was younger, involving lots of Dad jokes involving underwater. Some are borderline nsfw though (Nothing bad is said, but a couple jokes have double meanings. The worst one I actually just realized what they meant a year or two ago, 25 years after hearing it for the first time.)

If this is too bad for the forum I apologize!!

 

 

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A string walked into a bar, sat down and said to the bartender, "I'll take a whiskey."

The bartender replied, "We don't serve your kind here. I need you to leave right now."

The string gets up and walks out of the bar. Just then, a boy scout happened to be passing by. The string asked the scout to tie it in a knot. The scout agreed and tied the string into a knot. Then the string asked the boy to loosen its ends, and the boy did so.

The string walked back into the bar and sat down where it sat before. The bartender said, "Aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"

The string replied, "I'm a frayed knot. Now get me a whiskey."

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

 

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

 

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho Cheese.

Edited by efaardvark
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What do ticks and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems!

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

Which came first? I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

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A man put a map of the world on the kitchen wall and told his wife to throw a dart at it and wherever it landed that's where he'd take her on holiday.

On Monday they start a week's holiday behind the fridge.

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  • 3 weeks later...

What do you call a cow that has recently had a baby?

De-calf-enated.

 

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends off of it, and now you have endless bread.

 

I lost interest in digging tunnels. It was boring.

 

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

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What would happen if Uranus collided with Earth?

It would be a pain in the ass.

 

My girlfriend thought it was weird that I'd never seen a chicken strip, but I've never seen a chicken wear clothes either.

 

During the war, when board games were illegal, my grandfather was arrested. He was a Yahtzee sympathizer.

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What do you call something that's easy to get into but hard to get out of?

Trouble.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

 

What do you call a dead pine tree?

A nevergreen.

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3 hours ago, viruxx said:

I pirated a movie yesterday.

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Very good. But I must be a bit slow this afternoon, it took me a few minutes to get that one.

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5 hours ago, Animedragon said:

Very good. But I must be a bit slow this afternoon, it took me a few minutes to get that one.

When I first saw that one, it took me a minute as well. Math was not always my best subject. 😅

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16 hours ago, Animedragon said:

This is one occasion where I miss having a *GROAN* emoji. 🙂

Classic "dad joke" material, right?  :D 

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"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."

The energizer bunny went to jail, he was charged with battery...

Why is divorce rates so high for tennis players? To them, love means nothing!

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Why was Cinderella bad at baseball?

Because her coach was a pumpkin and she ran away from the ball.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Have you heard about the new extreme camping trend?

It’s in tents.

 

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

 

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?

You should never press your luck.

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