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How are you feeling right now?


Kiriness
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  • 8 months later...
On 8/2/2021 at 2:41 PM, Zila said:

On top of the world! 

Though, I would love to dedicate that feeling and this post to @XII360 for inspiring me to take the necessary time out for myself. To nurture my dreams and aspirations in the arts. When I was in college one of my instructors had told us that we would have to sacrifice a bit of freedom to accomplish demanding goals. It was more than evident at the time but you always end up thinking you can maintain a certain momentum in your life. Without realizing how easy and how common it is to be blindsided by extra responsibilities that come along the way. 

The last few years I had turned passions into hobbies in order to prioritize more important things. It was a strange place to be, living on autopilot. Exhausting! I couldn't finish projects because something was usually demanding my attention. I didn't protest. There were always more important things to attend to. The pattern to be helpful and reliable to those you love; often of authenticity and sometimes plain old exploitation. 

Lately I've been wielding the power of "no". Despite it hurting. Some of the people I gave a good amount of time to seemed confused, which broke my heart. There was little room of understanding and appreciation to be found. Subtle manipulation to make me think that I was being the worst kind of person. It left me with a lot of doubt. 

Sooo, I chilled with my favorite musical and thought to myself, what would Lin-Manuel Miranda do? I recalled one of his sessions with art students that was about the importance of forgoing moments in our lives for our own success and health. Then I came across this gem a few months ago:  

It helped me check back in on where I left off at my local art school some years ago. Though done differently, thanks to Covid-19. They sent me a registration form for the classes I still needed to finish and that sat within my e-mail for three days. At this point, I was biting my nails because I'm a caretaker now. Realistically speaking, was art even still something I should be emphasizing on right now? I missed it. Terribly. Seeking advice, there were countless others whispering in my ear about how much of a privilege it would be to have the choice. The guilt swelled up. Was I being selfish? It didn't feel like a privilege. Carefully maintaining career, family and a close social circle. The stress, the hours put in. Was having a goal to experience one of my greatest loves in life to the unknown extent of my abilities, selfish? 

Chatting with XII360 was a huge game-changer. If you ever end up reading this, I was inspired by your aptitude to maintain balance in work, interests and your creative passions. You're a workaholic because it means something to you. Something I lost in order to accommodate people and situations and my role between it all. 

Just finished my first week in school. :) 

I had the courage to participate in a modest section of the Music and Arts competition we had. For me, it was more about learning from other participants and what I could take away from the experience but I ended up making second place out of forty-nine. To have my piece displayed on a large stage projector with a live orchestra competing in the music section, was insane. I still think that it's a mistake that they're being too kind about fixing. xD 

Here's a sample of half of the painting I did.

 1637499093_BeFunky-collage(1)(1).thumb.jpg.a1028f417f5333fd63c85939ef369680.jpg

The whole piece and somewhat the making of, is on my YouTube channel if anyone is interested. I have yet to share my channel with anyone else, much less be active on it. Please excuse the emptiness you might find there. xD 

I also won two tickets to a Van Gogh exhibit in NY. Huge thank you to XII360 for the extra push into all of this madness. You never know who you're going to be inspired by or inspire. I would not have made the decision to chase the meaning in my interests, if you were not a contributing factor. 💛

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I'm feeling motivated on where I'm at right now but more than anything, at peace with my doubts. As we all end up inevitably facing when they come. 🌻

Thanks for the growth AF. :) 

 

no joke, this was exactly what i needed on my life right now

i too, have been somewhat feeling a bit depressed as of late (maybe the right term is "burn out", but i had depression too xD) questioning what im doing with my life, is there something wrong with the way i do things, and all that stuff

i've been doing 48 hours of straight duty as of late, so i decided, screw working, im going on a 2 day sudden break~!! 

i can work hard again after i rejuvenate myself~! 

my co-workers didn't question me why i suddenly declared that i wanted to just stay in my house for 2 days, they simply agreed and allowed me to take my break time, i cannot work anyway, i felt too.. "ugh-ish" >.>, mad respect for them <3

 

and yea, my plan for the 2 days (break started yesterday), was to play DOOM ETERNAL

sadness/pain/thoughts are temporary, BUT DOOM IS ETERNAL.meme (sorry, couldn't resist)

...which got scratched off a bit, couse i still have to do our hospitals SRA (special risk allowance) [its basically extra money given by the government, for frontliners during the pandemic]

the hospitals HR didn't file anything, so the hospital im working at, their frontliners (including me) wont recieve their SRA,

and since i felt bad that they think they are not priviledged to obtain SRA, i went ahead and did all the necessary filings, and coordinated with the HR/admin/Medical Director of the hospital 

honestly i wont benefit much from the SRA, the computation is basically, you get 5k php (84 eurs) for every 22days of working (8/12hours duty)

and based on my computation yesterday...im only getting 8k php (135 eur) not including possible taxes, everyone else getting around 30k php tho! (500eur's) which, lets face it, would really make their day if im able to pull off this incredible stunt

so yea, went from semi ugh-mood, to "I HAB BUTTERPLIES IN MI STOMACH" mood after reading this @Zila's post

great work on the art, by the way! lets keep moving forward, and get even better in our hobbies, while also facing the terrors of life, that of which we call

"responsibilities!"

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A little of this and that but mostly homesick. If learning to cook is anything interesting? Haven't burned down the house so that's a good thing, right? 

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Trying to get back in shape after over a year of sitting and teaching from home. Catching up on a lot of housecleaning. And sorting a lot of personal stuff out after being in a major car accident last month (everyone was fine, and we have a new car now). So, a bit all over the map, but doing what I gotta do.

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  • 3 months later...
14 hours ago, Zila said:

If I suddenly don't log in for like a year, please pour me a glass. 😂

Please, don’t even joke about something like that 😥 I know you worry about sounding like you’re complaining, so things must be really bad to open up about it. I’m glad to hear your family is looking after & supporting you in the midst of all this. I wish I had something inspirational or deep to say, but it seems like I always come up short when it counts. That bad jokes & rambles are all I have a talent for. Keeping you in thought & prayers though.

In the hope that something lighter may take your mind off things:

14 hours ago, Zila said:

It's nice to be in the old home again and my younger sis is sticking around. I miss my babies though (I've got five dogs 🙃). They're staying with my brother, he's probably secretly upset about that. No sane person has five dogs, I know. 

For a brief period of time my family did (more dogs than people 🤣 )3 or 4 at a time was the norm though. All shelter dogs or strays. Which makes not having any at all since early this year feel strange. First time since I was 3 years old.

14 hours ago, Zila said:

20211120_221531.thumb.jpg.14bb50891ffa1f0070ee533f1d86f0df.jpg

It helps not to peel your skin off when the Echo pads come off. Would of loved to have known that after the EKG. 

I should definitely stock some of those. At the risk of TMI, I’ m rather hirsute with the exception of the top of my head. Which makes removing any sort of bandage something that requires gritting my teeth. Embarrassing to admit but I actually missed removing an Echo pad on my back where I couldn’t reach/see once & didn’t realize till it came off in the shower a couple days later 😂

Please get some rest & whatever help you need. And check in when you can

Edited by Ohayotaku
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15 minutes ago, Zila said:

I'm the one with the extra talent for bad jokes. xD If I can't turn the morbid into an ironic giggle than the old gal has truly run out of steam

My own take is if I couldn’t laugh at myself, I’d be missing out on some darn funny jokes :P 

21 minutes ago, Zila said:

I think dogs are an important part of life in general! xD Oh no, I'm so sorry. :( I bet it does feel strange. I love surrounding myself with them but I know I'm going to be heartbroken when the time comes. Again, that is. I lost two from old age and have never forgotten. 💔 But to have had them in the family at all was a blessing!

Each one we had was a “family” dog, but seemed to bond with one particular member of the family more than the others. And each one had their own unique behaviors & habits. Sadly my first dog was the only one to pass in her sleep, the others had to be put down eventually which was always a painful decision. As much as I would like to get another one, it doesn’t seem right to leave it alone all day while I’m at work. Maybe when/if I get to retire.

32 minutes ago, Zila said:

Alas, I've been resting. 

I should actually be asleep myself right now, as I still have work tomorrow. Will hopefully have Friday off along with Thanksgiving.

Hang in there & I hope you get the physical & mental healing you need.

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Ever since my early 20's I've had seasonal depression. Not every year. I don't know how anyone lives alone and doesn't crack. Moving from a roommate's was the worst decision of my life.

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32 minutes ago, Kit said:

Ever since my early 20's I've had seasonal depression. Not every year. I don't know how anyone lives alone and doesn't crack. Moving from a roommate's was the worst decision of my life.

Depends on the person. I had no issues living alone. I was always talking to friends, though lol. It's always a strong move to find a few friends that are willing to talk...or just listen. Isn't that what we are here for??

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11 hours ago, Otaking66lives said:

Depends on the person. I had no issues living alone. I was always talking to friends, though lol. It's always a strong move to find a few friends that are willing to talk...or just listen. Isn't that what we are here for??

One of my problems is wanting to settle down. Did not expect to be feeling this way at least not until much later. XD

I still talk to my closest friends but when I went to university outside of the city we drifted apart. Came back to finish school closer to home but I can't shake the homesickness. Thanks man, anime forums might be a small website but the users are open and genuine. 

Edited by Kit
it's too early, typo lol
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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 5 weeks later...

Ready to go back to bed after sleeping a couple hours earlier (currently 4 am :P ) Probably won’t want to go out before noon anyway because it’d freaking cold outside 🥶

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On 1/22/2022 at 1:05 AM, Ohayotaku said:

Ready to go back to bed after sleeping a couple hours earlier (currently 4 am :P ) Probably won’t want to go out before noon anyway because it’d freaking cold outside 🥶

I often do the biphasic thing myself.  Oyasuminasai.  😴

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Oh boy here I go...

Well, I've been suffering with chronic depression ever since I was 9, and before I go on, this is not something I am asking for sympathy on, this is just me getting my emotions out there.

Life has been a struggle, existing has been a struggle. So really, not so sure how I feel anymore to be honest. I'm very numb-- yet..very..sad. My days are never enjoyable, so I sorta exist without a purpose in my opinion. But overall how I feel is..stressed, down, numb, tired, and unable to enjoy existence. 

FYI -- I am in therapy, so please do not seek help for me. 

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Cold. Once temps get in the single digits the boiler struggles to keep the house warm. Don’t notice it under the blankets, but once I’m up 🥶.  Been running space heaters some, but don’t like to too much. Wish I’d had the chimney cleaned so I could start a fire <reminder to not forget it this year>. Admittedly it’s not bad compared to some winters in my childhood (make a crack about the ice age & I’ll hit you with my club) and we’ve been able to avoid ice & snow for the most part unlike some unfortunate souls. Guess I got spoiled from some of the milder ones. At least the office is warmer (motivation to go to work :P ) ‘bout that time.

Edited by Ohayotaku
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@Kreideprinz Sorry to hear about your dad, hope things work out ok. Problem neighbors are the worst. Back when I lived in the country, we had one who’s dogs would chase my car down our lane when I came home. Which of course prompted our dogs to come to the rescue. On the few occasions it resulted in more than just barking, theirs’ always got the worst of it since ours were bigger. So it was our fault even though it was our property & they made no attempt to keep them home. Not having to deal with them was definitely a plus when we moved.

Was spitting snow when I drove home tonight, but not amounting to anything. Supposed to stay in the 20s overnight, so an improvement. No plans for the weekend.

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On 1/27/2022 at 6:23 PM, Kreideprinz said:

It's supposed to snow again Sat. too. 😑

Hear the East Coast/New England could get hammered. Don’t know how much of an impact it will have on your area, but hope you & your family stay safe.

Currently 5F here. Had light snow all day yesterday. Actual accumulation is provably less than an inch. But in some ways it seemed worse because people thought they could still do the usual stupid stuff behind the wheel and get away with it. Think I’ll focus on at home projects today (plenty of them anyway :P ) and save the outside errands fur tomorrow when it’s a little warmer.

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Not too bad at the moment, but fell asleep (for the 2nd time) later than usual, so hope I don’t crash after lunch 😴 

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