Anime causing relationship problems

[Killua00]

Hey guys, this is something that's been going on in my life not sure if this is the place to talk about it but I'm curious what you guys think about it.

So I've been dating this girl for a while, we met online. We live on other sides of the country (she's in west USA I'm in east). So of course it's very much a long-distance relationship.

So when we first started talking I talked to her a lot about the anime I watched (harem, romance, ocasionally nsfw etc.). Obviously you'd expect a girl to freak out when you tell her you watch that kind of "embarassing" stuff but she didn't really seem to think much of it. She told me she watches harem anime and plays otome games too, so I was really happy that she accepted that part of my lifestyle. Didn't really expect to find a girl like that ever so it made me really happy.

The relationship started getting more serious real soon, we started meeting up more. (The plane tickets are super expensive but since we're both working full time we can afford it somehow). 

It didn't take long until I found out how insecure she is, though. She's beautiful, so I try to tell her that a lot and it seems to help. The part that's affecting me the most is how she views the girls in anime that I watch.

Apparently she thinks I view those girls as perfection and that I would love her more if she could just change herself into one of those girls. I tried to tell her many times over that even though I like those girls as characters in a fictional story, they don't mean nearly as much to me as she does. It's been going on for a few months now, there've been no signs of improvement.

At some point she even got the idea in her mind that harem anime/ visual novels and all of that "don't belong in a healthy relationship" and that she hates all of it with a passion. For me, nothing has really changed since we started dating as far as that's concerned. I can enjoy media with sexuality/romance in a fictional setting, and still love my girlfriend in real life.

Now the thing is, this girl would do anything for me. That's why she keeps telling me that she's not forcing me to quit watching anime or stop doing things I want to do in general. But somehow I jusf can't enjoy anime when I know my girlfriend doesn't accept it and becomes insecure whenever she sees it.

There's been a few cases in which she actually got really sad and cried and seemed on the verge of collapsing just because she looked up pictures of a show called high school dxd that I was watching.

Even though she doesn't tell me to stop watching these things, I just can't enjoy them knowing what they're doing to her. I tried telling her that I wouldn't watch it anymore and that it's ok and that it's not a big deal for me to stop, but to tell the truth it really is. I can't just start hating anime that I've loved for years just because that would be more convenient for her.

What should I do? Talk it out? Tell her that I want to go back to watching all of those shows? I know she might actually get depressed/cry if I told her that.

I don't have many friends or hobbies outside of watching anime so I don't know what to do anymore. I'm starting to feel a strong feeling of guilt through my daily life, since I feel I'm letting her live in a lie by acting like anime is not important to me anymore. It is, just not in the way she seems to think. I can't enjoy anime knowing she would actually cry if she found out. It actually feels like I'm cheating on her somehow even though when I think about it that's ridiculous?

Any ideas what I'm supposed to do? I'm not scared of her breaking up with me tbh (I know she won't do that) I'm just really scared of hurting her. And honestly I just can't break up with her over this somehow.

Edited March 9, 2018 by Killua00

[Beocat]

Wow, what a story. Well, this Cat's got your back.

 

To start, from an objective standpoint, the "quit anime or else" approach she's using seems like a power play. I personally would not quit either, but I imagine there is a deeper story that explains a bit more of it. What were her previous boyfriends like? What were yours like? How much do you really know about each other? Have you put her on hold to watch anime before? What are her hobbies besides anime? 

 

Other than telling her she's really pretty, have you mentioned why these harem girls aren't actually your type, even though you enjoy the shows? If she's basing it completely off of looks, the fact that it's fiction versus reality won't get too far with her. These types of people base their own self worth with what society judges and nothing you say will change it. That particular problem needs counseling  (similar to how a person with bulimia or anorexia needs extensive counseling to change their self image) and you might want to consider a power play of your own in recommending it. 

 

After all, anime are just stories put into an art medium. If you decide to try to recommend counseling, you may want to try couples counseling first. Since you have a history of mutual interest in anime and you have a history of trying to console her, a counseling session might help her see this is a problem of her own making. No one should be forced to be miserable in a relationship. It's not fair to you and it isn't fair to her either (even though she's creating her own misery). Though I seriously wonder if she has had eating disorders in the past. It would not surprise me.

[flamer180]

How explicit is the show? 

Her own problem sounds like she cares too much about looks. Thats why she probably tried to make herself look better, and thats why you think she's beautiful. Unless she's naturally beautiful. But she thinks she has to compare herself to fake anime characters. 

I hate the idea of people pushing that you have to be beautiful in order to be worth anything. Or that looks matter that much. They dont. 

It's shallowness. 

Her best bet would be to try to give up the idea that looks are the most important thing in the world. Unless the show is more X rated than I think. Then porn is a different story. 

 

[pierrem70]

OMG what a story, so i'm not sure if i'm the right person to talk to about this but anyway. 

Firstly, you have the right to watch Anime if you want to, if you love Anime then watch!  If it was me i would talk to her and tell her, that Anime is not real. As much as we want it to be, it's an animated Japanese series. She needs to understand that you would never cheat on her, or prefer the Anime girls over her. 

I think you need to show her how much you care, that you would do anything for her. What the girl can't do is stop you from watching Anime, just explain to her that you like the story background in Anime and that's why you watch it. You need to explain why you watch Anime! it can be because it's an escape from reality, or it can be that you like the story background, or it could be that you are happy when you watch Anime and Happiness is the key to a happy life  

If she can't understand how passionate you are about Anime, then she seriously has issues. She should know that you would never cheat on her or do something stupid, it's just Animation it's not a big deal. Well for us it is because we are fans!  

I would talk to her about it the worst that can happen is that it's over, but i think if you explain why you watch Anime she would understand. Remember to tell her how much you feel, make her feel special and i'm sure she will acknowledge it  

There might be a side story about her that you didn't know about, if so try and talk to her about it it might mend broken wounds  

If she doesn't understand at all why, then she's not the right person for you but hey that's my opinion. 

I hope some of this information helped