Hey guys. I hope you guys are all well. First blog post here. I was born on June 12 21 years back, and well...my life since then is not one for the faint of heart. Well, maybe that is exageratting but if someone told you this was a happy tale, that I was your average, neurotypical guy not a care in the world, someone lied...

TL;DR is that in the past couple of months, my dad caught COVID(opted to not get the vaccine) and died, tons of family drama ensued with his GF and his relatives regarding how to handle his remains, power of attorney, etc. This reignited tensions between my mom and sister(and even me) and cue broken glass everywhere, lots of screaming and crying, a fist fight almost broke out in the ER between my mom, dad's niece, niece's BF, and me when I tried to prevent an altercation from breaking out, and a full on fist fight went on between my mom and sister when my sister got upset over some petty shit and started wailing on her, and my mom wrestling her on the ground. Just, lots of fucking craziness, but I finally moved out with my mom's help and I am getting space with my family, both physically and limiting contact, and have an EMT job and in an apartment with roommates.

Aside from the family dysfunction, I am autistic(high functioning) and my social skills left alot to be desired growing up. Having turned 21 recently, I finally started to feel normal in terms of social intuition, but with that comes with feeling worse about my cringier moments when attempting to socialize. Then there's two people from my past, people I saw as friends and thought reciprocated but maybe never felt the same.

Friend A was a guy, actually from a fundamentalist Christian family(no HP, Pokemon, creationist, anti-Halloween etc). This was when I was in middle school so I was still cringey and plus haven't deconverted(though family isn't fundamentalist). We got along for quite some time but as time went on and shenangians involving girls came up (think the ''get girl to like you'' plans you see from teen characters on TV) I started to see more of his manipulative side, with black mail, using me for snacks, lending him my phone etc. Moved away, lost contact, found out after graduating HS that he molested my sister, and he blackmailed/threatened me when I confronted him via text. Friend B I met in high school. We got along initially, but then they got kinda withdrawn. I admit I got kinda clingy and crossed boundaries, but when we seemed to reconcile and start to connect, they told me they were getting into some bad shit(think missing on a milk carton shit), tried to stop them from doing it, things got confusing and I went to far, and the lashed out and didn't want to speak to me again. That was 4+ years ago now. Against my better judgement, I reached out to them and didn't really get a reply so I won't do it again, so maybe they are still mad, I don't know. There's honestly certain things about them I wonder if I should have been weary of, since they said some things that implied they were using me or even signs they may not have been as nice as I thought. I made mistakes, but of course I initially thought friend A was really great too...

It is hard. Sometimes I don't feel bad about all this, other times I wonder if I will spiral into a mental breakdown. It seems autism isn't just about your social skills, but even when trying not to dwell or hyperfixate on things my brain wants to do it's own thing. And it can feel a bit scary since I don't want to go to a bad place. I don't want to hurt anyone, or myself. My sister has tried to kill herself several times and I don't want to put myself in that category. No offense to anyone who has struggled with that...but it is also afraid if I will prove certain people right and become that bad person they think I am, or even being so pathetic and naive that I may do such a thing or be so trusting enough to be manipulated by others.

Like I said, it's alot of up and down, and especially about my father since he was a piece of work(bad temper, verbally abusive, etc) yet seeing my sister cry at the funeral was hard and even I feel sad even if I question whether I would ever reconcile with him. I do have a couple new friends here, which may help. Maybe I am too caught up in my thoughts, and sometimes it feels like too much and I hope I can get better. It will still take some time before I am fully settled in, especially with money. But then I can explore things like friends, martial arts, more animes, shows or movies, etc. Finding that special someone would be nice too, but well I likely have some ways to go before getting in a relationship.