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giuls

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Blog Entries posted by giuls

  2. giuls

    A Story About: Music Taste - #04

    By giuls,


    Silly Blogs
    QUICK BLOG ENTRY!
    MY MUSIC TASTE...!
    it goes back and forth between English, Japanese, and Korean
    as well as, my Spotify wrapped SUCKS because when it comes time to share, no one knows what I'm talking about - so I go into a corner and basically cry about it LOL
    sure, you listen to the music you like, but I am such a mixed bag with the songs I like
    I like "Feel It" by d4vd (alt indie), I like "Symbol II: Air" by Ave Mujica (heavy metal j-rock, vkei, etc), "Ruler of my Heart" by BL8M and Rubeye (idek, but very different from the others)...
    at this point, I'm blabbing about nothing - and it seems like I'm an entitled girl, but this is MY blog !!!!! LOL
    I love all the artists I am listening to though, hugs to all of em - just wish I was more like a straight line with the stuff I like haha!!!! 
    silly blog post yayayay!!!!
    could anyone relate? hope its not just me
     
     
  3. giuls
    I finally was able to get a prom dress for my Junior prom on 4/23 (April 23rd).
    Though, I am not happy with it.
    Everyone around me LOVED it, but it looked...frumpy.
    I had to say I loved it too. I didn´ though, and I still don´t. I don´t feel beautiful in this dress.
    ---
    Excuse the drawing, it was done in 3 minutes!!!! (The dress is black and sparkly.)

    All of the other dresses I picked out were perceived with mixed reactions. Some loved them, but some others hated them.
    SIGH.
    I am incredibly thankful! Don´t get me wrong. It´s just not ME.
  6. giuls
    Obsession: "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling"(Websters Dictionary).
    There was a guy in 8th grade. Tall, smart, tan-skin, almond-shaped eyes, and curly brown hair. From that somewhat detailed description, you can tell I paid close attention to him.
    I had a crush.
    For this story, he will be [C/N]. Which stands for "crushes-name".
    I was, admittedly, head-over-heels. His actions, the way he spoke to me, and even his smile made me swoon. [C/N] would diminish me, calling me a crybaby when someone insulted me and I was hurt by it, he would tell me that I had small hands and could never play the piano. (Something I wanted to do since I was about 5 years old).
    I never stood up for myself though, those remarks kept him with me. I wanted him to stay with me, to always say those things " 'cause at least he is talking to me!".
    [C/N] and I would frequently hang out at his house. He would lay down in his bed, inviting me to him. I would oblige, and he would hug me. I, desperate for affection, hugged him back. We snuggled every time we got the chance at his house. This fueled me even more.
    One day, I decided to confess my feelings. My thoughts were: "Well, we snuggle a lot. He always touches me in an affectionate way, he must like me. I like him too, perfect!"
    Dead wrong. Rejected, and his friends asked him to pity date me for the hell of it.
    I cried SO hard. I told him I was okay then, but I was NOT okay.
    I drew photos of him, ripped them up, and sobbed. This cycle went on. I would think of him daily, despite being rejected.
    I know his faults now, but then I was so heartbroken I didn't even realize it.
    I imagined a life where he said yes, where he and I lived a life together. Had kids, grew old, etc. 
    This went on for about a month or two. I was obsessed. 
    When he got a girlfriend, I automatically hated her. "[C/N] was supposed to crawl back to me, not go to someone else!" were my thoughts.
    She was sweet too, always thinking of others, but me being so obsessed disregarded that. I only focused on the fact she was dating someone I used to like.
    One day, though, it stopped. If I am recalling right, I watched a YouTube video detailing toxicity in relationships. I realized I was the one in the relationship at fault, not him. He just didn't like me.
    Of course, I recognize his faults too. I definitely don't think someone should be cuddling someone who likes them. He knew I liked him, I was so transparent. Although my flirting was terrible, he recognized it as flirting. And ESPECIALLY diminishing someone for something they cant even control, making yourself seem superior.
    I don't like any one as of right now. I am too scared to repeat the pain again, that heartbreak took such a toll on me. I am not in a space to experience it. 
    ---
     With love, Eden. ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚
  7. giuls
    My name is Eden. I am 17, and this is my first post.
    For as long as I can remember, I looked up to my father. What he wanted to do, I wanted to do. He was a steam-fitter, I wanted to be a steam-fitter. I look just like him, with blue eyes, dirty blonde hair, freckles, and a wide smile. I was a "daddy's girl".
    ( for those who don't know, a steam fitter is "one that installs or repairs equipment (such as steam pipes) for heating, ventilating, or refrigerating systems"(Websters Dictionary).)
    My father was into illegal medicines, let's just say that. He wasn't the nicest to my step-mother, he didn't feed me, left me home alone at the ripe age of 7. But while knowing that, I still looked up to him.
    This is a story about finding myself.
    In school, whenever it was time to write about what we wanted to be when we grew up, I always wrote a steam-fitter. When confronted, I said because of my dad.
    I spent many years writing that same thing, until one day in 7th grade.
    "Hey, what do you want to be?"
    "What?"
    "When you grow up, you know?"
    "A steam-fitter."
    My classmate took a pause.
    " You don't like to work, though."
    She was right. (I grew out of that sentiment). Little did she know how much impact she had on me that day. 
    "Oh, okay."
    Forward to 9th grade, my bedroom. Surrounded by all of the gifts my father gave me, all of my old clothes, everything. I was moving. I moved before, away from my father and to another guardian. This time felt different.Everything from my father, everything. I kept it. I thought about my classmates words, "you". Me. She thought about me and my interests, she knew me.
    I realized something. I wasn't myself, I was someone else, I didn't do anything I wanted to do. I wanted validation from my father, my dad.
    "Be proud of me. I want to be like you. I want to be you. Just look at me, and hold me. Love me."
    For all of these years that I wanted to be like him, I just wanted him to love me. 
    He said he loved me, but his actions proved otherwise. Imagine a little girl in a house with no electricity, alone, playing with her toys, waiting for someone to come home to feed her. I wanted him just to give me attention, to love me.
    I threw those items in a box, untouched in my closet for years. I didn't want to think of it anymore.
    I started to pursue something I loved, writing.
    I began to take classes that I liked, putting in the work.  Finally...I became someone that didn't need her fathers validation to live her life.
    I want to be an English Teacher now.
     
    With love, Eden. ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚
     
     

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