Obsession: "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling"(Websters Dictionary).

There was a guy in 8th grade. Tall, smart, tan-skin, almond-shaped eyes, and curly brown hair. From that somewhat detailed description, you can tell I paid close attention to him.

I had a crush.

For this story, he will be [C/N]. Which stands for "crushes-name".

I was, admittedly, head-over-heels. His actions, the way he spoke to me, and even his smile made me swoon. [C/N] would diminish me, calling me a crybaby when someone insulted me and I was hurt by it, he would tell me that I had small hands and could never play the piano. (Something I wanted to do since I was about 5 years old).

I never stood up for myself though, those remarks kept him with me. I wanted him to stay with me, to always say those things " 'cause at least he is talking to me!".

[C/N] and I would frequently hang out at his house. He would lay down in his bed, inviting me to him. I would oblige, and he would hug me. I, desperate for affection, hugged him back. We snuggled every time we got the chance at his house. This fueled me even more.

One day, I decided to confess my feelings. My thoughts were: "Well, we snuggle a lot. He always touches me in an affectionate way, he must like me. I like him too, perfect!"

Dead wrong. Rejected, and his friends asked him to pity date me for the hell of it.

I cried SO hard. I told him I was okay then, but I was NOT okay.

I drew photos of him, ripped them up, and sobbed. This cycle went on. I would think of him daily, despite being rejected.

I know his faults now, but then I was so heartbroken I didn't even realize it.

I imagined a life where he said yes, where he and I lived a life together. Had kids, grew old, etc. 

This went on for about a month or two. I was obsessed. 

When he got a girlfriend, I automatically hated her. "[C/N] was supposed to crawl back to me, not go to someone else!" were my thoughts.

She was sweet too, always thinking of others, but me being so obsessed disregarded that. I only focused on the fact she was dating someone I used to like.

One day, though, it stopped. If I am recalling right, I watched a YouTube video detailing toxicity in relationships. I realized I was the one in the relationship at fault, not him. He just didn't like me.

Of course, I recognize his faults too. I definitely don't think someone should be cuddling someone who likes them. He knew I liked him, I was so transparent. Although my flirting was terrible, he recognized it as flirting. And ESPECIALLY diminishing someone for something they cant even control, making yourself seem superior.

I don't like any one as of right now. I am too scared to repeat the pain again, that heartbreak took such a toll on me. I am not in a space to experience it. 

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 With love, Eden. ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚