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I just can't sleep...

Beocat

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Well, this time I've done it to myself.  So while I am in between jobs (my choice--I feel like I was being driven out but it is just as well. I needed to focus on redirecting my career anyways and I was putting too much of my own self and energy into that job for no benefits, no promotions, and not even any gratitude from the ones who got promoted from my hard work) I have slowly but surely (even though I tried not to let myself do it) gone back to being a night owl.  You heard that right folks.  This cat is as nocturnal as it gets.  I guess that means I'm an outside kitteh...as my girls inside are snuggled up asleep on the couch with my husband right now.  It somewhat irritates me how he can fall asleep anytime...anywhere...

 

So, while we decided to go out on the boat this morning (I say this morning because tomorrow is already here), and I tried...oh I tried to sleep...after a few hours of laying in bed tossing and turning and my wrist hurting and my toes tingling and me gasping for air I realized it...  Not only has my former job wrecked my health, but thinking a bit about it I gave myself a little panic attack.  No wonder I can't sleep.  I have been applying to certain jobs all across the state (I don't care if I don't live there...I'll rent a shack if I have to to change my career path) and honestly I've only had about a 3% bite rate on my applications.  So far, my first interview bombed....I interviewed three days after my last day on the job and was too burned out by my last job to do a good honest showing and I couldn't fake interest in the company (I didn't really want to work there, but the as needed work would have been nice on the side.  It took 2 months before I recovered enough from the burnout to have any energy and my old personality back).  My second interview was with a company completely and totally unrelated to my field.  Again, I was willing to do it...anything to get out of this spiral of misery one bad decision 6 years ago landed me in....didn't hear back.  My third chance came at a place I used to volunteer at.  I would've been a shoe-in for the position considering all the high level staff would've been behind me....they needed my current references to respond within 48 hours....one reference took 7 days...I obviously missed the interviews because of the lateness of my reference and they couldn't wait that long ...that was a harsh blow.  I have honestly harbored some resentment towards that reference ever since...  Then I've had a nibble here and there....  An overnight position is considering me (and I would love to work it!) but I'm also being highly considered for a specialty position elsewhere (and that specialty is so rare...yikes!  I want it and I'm terrified of it at the same time LOL).  Maybe after months things are finally coming together. 

 

After all of this time sending out applications (and spending the last 6 years in self-study and training getting various credentials to make myself more marketable, differentiated, and ready to really push for that career change as the whirlpool sucked me in ever deeper) it seems to finally be looking up.  And that got me thinking about the last 4 to 6 years where my life was not on the right career path.  That one day where it all fell apart.  I applied for my dream job and waited six months before giving up and accepting a job elsewhere, doing not what I wanted, slanting my career in a path I didn't want to go in....and the very next day they called for an interview -_-* If only I had waited one more day to consider the offer (albeit, my life would have turned out very different if I had.  I doubt I would have this house for instance, my girls...who knows if I would have been any happier).  Darn brain keeps thinking of it and won't let me sleep.  ~sighs~  I'm going to be in for it when we're trolling.  Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to reel those mackeral in.  It got me thinking...why is starting up my own consultant agency so difficult?  I have part of the groundwork already laid...Others have gone there before me and done really well....  >_>  I need to push myself more....  Maybe just set aside time to do it...but then my Rep credentialing is taking forever and I've tried setting aside time to do it (if the study material for the exam wasn't written lightyears below my level...I am truly overqualified for that type of job, I would be able to force myself to read it faster)...  For all this free time I have right now, I guess I have a lot on my plate.

 

And I still need to clean this house!  Why didn't I clean today!?  All these thoughts keep bombarding me....man once I'm on that boat with the sun searing my pale vampiric skin (I'm not joking...I wear 85 proof sunscreen and jeans and long sleeves year round.  The sun is my enemy!  ~hisses~ I blistered bad as a kid and continued to blister for years thereafter with as little as 20 minutes in the sun.  I learned my lesson for sure!  People think I'm a natural redhead because my skin is so pale....)  I think I might just fall asleep then...  I'm never going to live this down if I fall asleep on that boat.

 

Anyways, thank you for listening.  Writing it out does help.  I just need to keep believing that things will fall into the right place at the right time *hopefully soon*  I think I need to forgive my reference too for not delivering in a timely manner too.  She is renovating her house after all.  I just wish she had told me it would be a while so I could have scrounged up another one...  ~sighs~  Lesson learned.

 

Well, it is about time to completely give up on sleep and just force myself to stay awake.  Guess I'll clean house now...just can't vacuum until my husband wakes up. 

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As an update, we didn't make it out on the boat.  I stayed up without a problem, started cleaning (which saps my energy out faster than anything), finished by washing the dishes, then spent some time reading on the couch with my husband who saw how bad I looked and sent me to bed. 

 

He said he'd rouse me in a couple of hours when it was time to leave....  Four and a half hours later, I wake up on my own call out to him and find out that he tried to wake me up, shook me, shouted at me, my cat jumped on my chest and stood there squeaking at me....nothing.  He said I was exhausted and didn't respond at all to anything he tried.  >_>  It's not surprising.  I should have never of let him talk me into taking a nap.  I know I get that way...part of the reason I always made him promise if the house was burning down around us to save my sweet furbaby first and then come back for me afterwards.  Priorities.

 

Well, another short nap later and I finally started my day.  Now, I should be getting to bed now but again....my night owlness is just slamming that door shut again (I didn't get a full 8 hours today.  Only about 6 at the most.  I should be tired.).  Maybe I'll try some boring reading or cleaning again to tucker me out completely.  We're going to try again tomorrow....  Fingers crossed....

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