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stuff i thought about tonight


PKPICO

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returned to school yesterday and i was so very happy to see all my friends again and just be there, which is funny because i used to hate school.

for the new session we’re reading ‘the perks of being a wallflower’ in my literacy, i found that i really like that book. i kept reading it throughout the day and even tonight i ended up getting to the second part. i bookmarked it and decided to save it for tomorrow. i think it’s relatability, charlie is really like me and ive never truly thought that a character is ‘just like me’. it made me think about how much ive experienced since starting highschool which, if i went through in an entry would be too much, and too personal. i did not know school or life in general could be so overwhelming and miserable.

one thing i could talk about is friends, i didnt make friends until december of my freshman year. i met frank, and then i met more. and since then ive kept meeting and learning to truly love people. ive been the most emotional ive ever been in my life in my teenage years, of course i cried as a child and pre-teen, but the rage and the pain and the love and everything ive felt these past three years is something else, man. ive tried new things, some stuff i look back on and feel empty or upset, some stuff i wish i could feel and be in over, and over, and over.

i realize yesterday i might like this girl at my school who always cuddles up to me, she rests her back against my chest and i wrap my arm around her, she holds my hand and says nonsensical things that i smile at and say back to her, she’s really weird and nerdy. we have a DND seminar at my school and since the space where all my closer friends were sitting in was too crowded i sat beside her and things ended up like that. my friend thalia thinks she might like me back, but out of desperation. i dont like that, so it made me reconsider but you cant help feeling things regardless.

i’ve only had 4 genuine crushes my entire life and only two ended up in relationships. first time round was actually at the beginning of middle school with my friend who had moved far, far away. but we were pen pals and i felt like i wanted to be with him still, and make promises that werent verifiable at the time. it was fine, i just dont think we were old enough to be responsible lovers to each other, and he’s still my friend to this day.

the second time round was bad, with lasting effects, but i wouldnt call it traumatic. it was actually when me and my friends from my old school came to this one after it shut down over the summer, 6 or so months ago. i was still raw emotionally, and knew nobody besides my friends who came with me to this school, so as i slowly began to spend time around this guy, i eventually talked to him over discord. we maintained friendship for two weeks before he confessed to me and i guess i subconsciously had a crush on him, asked him to let me think about it and when i was told he was impatient i caved. lasted one week, then in november we got back together. lasted three weeks that time.

without more, i learned because of that person that not everyone is a good person. i used to think that everybody was kind-hearted, that of course evil people and the untrustworthy existed but not bad people. he made me realize that’s naive thinking, and that bad people walk amongst us all the time. some bad people dont know theyre bad people, bad people could stop being bad people, some people know theyre bad people yet dont know how to change. or worse, they dont want to. just like that guy.

regardless, i dont hate the guy. what happened between us is odd to me, i think i needed that realization anyway, maybe not necessarily in the way i came to it but i needed it. i dont understand harboring hatred and so ive let go of all my feelings, including the love i held for him.

and so now there’s this girl, and i dont know. i guess im going see where it goes. i dont know if im ready for another relationship even though im over him, it just would feel odd to be with someone all of a sudden. i dont want to bring it up with her because im shy, so if she feels something i hope she says something before i make myself.

that’s all for today, i didn’t think i’d talk a bit about my romance life but i think this is supposed to be normal experimentation for someone my age, other people at my school are more raunchy but i like to just love someone, i guess, i love all my friends lots and loved/love all those people i mentioned like-liking.

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Ah yes teenager love is aspect of girls life once they are in High school although I'm also inexperienced one  only I reach of crush stage in my case, I'm in that stage of being a nerdy there some people do like me, I'm type of I not ready yet,

 

Well love takes time, your still in high school, you need to know more, experience, just enjoy with your life with  friends since High school memories are really important once your adult you will cherish those memories.

 

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