So like, I want to know all of your opinion about the story I'm about to write. It's something my friend wrote. I asked her and she agreed with me about posting this here. So please tell me your opinion about this story. Just say whatever you feel about it. Also there might be a lot of grammar mistakes. I hope you point them out too!
[spoiler=Chapter 1] I tilted my black umbrella and stared at the dark, rainy clouds. I was wearing black dress for my mom, Azusawa Sasuki’s funeral. The sound of my little brother, Azusawa Usui, sobbing made tears tickle down my cheeks. Usui was carrying the coffin. He was a bearer. I went next to him and stroked his dark maroon hair, trying to comfort him. He said in a soft lazy voice; “Thanks, Ritsu.”
“I’m Azusawa Ritsu, the daughter of the deceased Azusawa Sasuki. Today, we all stand here, hearts crumpled like a paper ball, at my beloved mother’s shocking and sad funeral.” I chanted as the endless stream of tears poured down my puffed cheeks. I continued the speech; “May god bless her with a happy after life. Everyone knows that my mother died of a dreadful disease. But let me explain the truth……” Usui ran up to the podium of the church and said; “You don’t need to do this, Ritsu!” I held his hand and said; “Together.” We continued the speech; “She was poisoned……” I couldn’t say anymore, so Usui continued; “By our father, Azusawa Kazuto.”
Everyone in the church stood in awe as Usui and I collapsed onto the stage. I heard the cops chase after our father, who was trying to run away. Usui held me and got off stage. We walked toward the burial ground with the whole load of our chest. I heard a lot of whispers when going to the burial ground. “I heard that she used to be in a famous band called ‘Kuro Hana.’“ My brother told me not to listen but, it was out of my league. The whispers went on; “She didn’t sing a note after her mother, while she was at her first international concert in Akihibara.”
[spoiler=Chapter 1.2] “For once in your life, can all of you stop saying such things about my family, will you!?” I couldn’t help it. I felt such a burning hot rage inside of me that had blasted like a bomb. Usui calmed me down. He is very comforting and helpful at times of need. I was about to forget it and turn around when someone in the crowd said; “Such a brat! Even at her own mother’s funeral, she bursts out screaming! I bet she’ll end up in jail in a year or two, just like her father!”
That was when he showed up. The one my heart had been looking for. After more than 5 years, I had found him. He punched someone in the crowd and ran a finger over his lips, just like he always does. In a firm manly voice, he said; “Hey! Mind your own business!” My thoughts were filled with; ‘He’s back! Yoh is back!’
Thunder and lightning started striking so Usui said; “Let’s get this over so we can dry up and leave!” I was sobbing as my mom’s coffin was lowered into the hole that had been dug up. Usui gave me a little cuddle and comforted me saying; “Let’s end this with a smile.” I wiped the tears off my face and gave a bit of a smile as the soil poured over my mother’s coffin. Even after the burial was complete, Usui and I stayed in the rain looking at our mother’s newly built grave infront of us.
The first chapter isn't finished with just this...