ItsSammy

I've been told I look and act like Hanji Zoe from Attack On Titan. Although I would be the stern and serious Hanji more than the crazy and excitable one, since I myself do have both sides, I just tend to keep the latter one to myself most of the time.

Fall Standing on the edge of the roof I watched as the cars passed bellow. Each one's colours seemed to fade into the next as I tried to keep my vision from blurring in the dark night air. How many had I taken? I couldn't quite remember, but the empty pill bottle was lying on the roof just a few feet away from where I stood. As I closed my eyes the cold brisk breeze that signaled fall was coming caught my hair and tossed it around my face, thrashing at my cold skin and causing tendrils of pain to surge through me. "Fall." I muttered to myself as I exhaled deeply. The cold air seemed to freeze in my lungs making it hard to let out. "Fall." I whispered softer as my eyes opened, taking in the city lights around me that blinked and moved in the pitch black darkness Everything around me was perfectly dull. Everything was the same. Every day was a replayed version of the last and I couldn't find anything to bring me joy. Every day I failed. I failed them. I failed myself. I failed life. How do you think that feels? Being the failure? Being the let down? Being the expectation that never really comes true? That was all I was ... I was nothing. I was the pitch black night, the cold air, the dark street beneath my feet that called me. It beckoned to me and how was I supposed to refuse? "Fall." I mouthed, my lips too cold to form the word properly now as I closed my eyes once again letting the sounds of the city envelope me. Take me away ... Show me there is something else. Something better. Show me an open door. I beg you ... but no matter how I begged, pleaded, or prayed, I couldn't find a reason. Not a single reason. "Thirty?" my mind flashed back to that moment. The moment I sat behind my desk, eyes wide and pleading ... Pleading with myself. I tended to do that, but I never won. I was my own worst enemy and there was no way I would ever defeat that. "Thirty!" this time my voice was higher, less surprised and more distraught. There, sitting in front of me on that bright screen were thirty reasons I hated myself, but not a single reason I liked myself. How had it come to this? How had I gotten here? Suddenly my eyes opened and I was standing on the ledge again, fighting back the tears that stung my eyes and burned my throat. Fighting back the urge to jump. To fall. To Just let go ... All it takes is one second, one step and I would never get the chance to fight again. I would be gone. Gone like the leaves on every tree when fall came. Gone ... Gone. Gone! But free ... Would I be free? What is free? Is free being numb and dead? Or is free being tormented and alive? Why couldn't free be happy? Why couldn't free be kind? Why couldn't I just step off the ledge and die? Taking a deep breath that froze the second it touched my lungs, I shifted my foot outwards, dangling it over the edge. But just as I always did, I found a reason to fear death. In the very last second, as it looked me straight in the eyes, I recoiled, like a child recoiling from a fire. In that second, as my foot dangled dangerously outwards, I found that I feared the after life. Heaven and Hell ... did it matter which one I went to? I feared death because Hell was torment. It was pure pain and suffering, just as life had been, just worse ... Oh, I could only imagine how much worse. But as I thought of Hell my mind drifted to Heaven and I wondered how eternity would fair. I'd feared eternity forever. I was not one to see ever lasting life as a blessing, instead it seemed a daunting curse. Not for the way you'd lose your loved ones or your friends, but for the way you could never end your suffering. It would never end. You could never go to sleep knowing you may not wake up. You could never wonder when death would great you. You couldn't even wait for old age to take you. Oh ... eternity seemed like suffering in and of itself. "Fall." I said firmly as my eyes glared down at the street beneath me, the cars passed, not noticing the person standing high above them. "Fall." it was the season where death came and took every leaf from off the trees. It stripped them of their majesty and cast them to the earth as if they were nothing. "Fall." it was what I could never do and it was what I could never be ... I could never be the tree that survived the cold months, surviving day after day with no hope in sight, just to find that their leaves returned with more splendor than before. No. I could never be that tree. Stepping away from the edge I kicked the empty bottle of pills away from me with an angry glare. Tears threatened to spill over as I fell to the floor, my knees hitting solid stone and my hands slamming down hard enough to tear the skin away from my palms. I couldn't fall. I couldn't breath. I couldn't find a reason to live yet I always did ... Why? Why was this what I was destined to be? Life terrified me so I embraced death, yet every time I went to meet him my mind always pulled me back ... It always had a way of making me scared to die. A way of making death seem worse than life. It was my worst enemy and yet it whispered slowly, softly, in my ear "You are the fall.".

Just watched the entire Harry Potter series for the first time and I've got a few new characters I completely adore.

Severus Snape was my favourite character through out the entire series due to his mysterious ways and how well his allegiance was hidden through out every movie. He was monotones yet interesting, which I found to be very intriguing since that is a rare mixture, but it worked so perfectly. Although he didn't get as much time in the movies as I'd hoped, he was such a complex and in depth character I instantly loved him ... I automatically liked him the first time I saw him due to his mysterious disposition and the way he talked. Through out the rest of the movies he remained my favourite even when his loyalties were questioned and everyone else seemed to think I had to change my out look on his character due to this. In the end, I loved Snape through out all the movies and could find no reason to dislike him. Since Snape was my favourite character I decided to do a little research on him once I finished the movies and I found a lot of interesting details that made me love him even more ... He was smarter than 7th years at Hogwarts before he had even joined. He created his own spells including, "Sectumsempra.", "Vulnera Sanentur.", "Levicorpus." and more. He was the youngest teacher and head master in all of Hogwarts history. The first time Snape and Harry meet he asks him, "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to and infusion of wormwood?" which many people assumed was a normal potions question, however there is a Latin flower language that, when applied to this statement translate to, "I bitterly regret Lily's death." or "On Lily's grave I promise to protect you." which I found very touching. When Severus was younger he was attacked by Remus Lupin in werewolf form, which was said to be very terrifying ... However, during a scene where Remus transforms into a werewolf and is about to attack Harry, Hermione and Ron, Snape steps in front and shields them from the attack, causing Snape to get the full force of the werewolf's strike. I personally find the last two facts to be very touching and sweet, the others just show how amazing and powerful Snape actually was. I also do not understand why Lily married James Potter since he was so mean to Snape, who, if she forgot, was her best friend since they were little ... Also, the fact that Snape loved and adored Lily so much that he risked his life every day to save her son and never got over losing her shows how amazing he was. So, yes, I adored Snape through out the entire movie series and am extremely proud to call myself a true Snape fan, since most people disliked him in earlier movies and ended up regretting it later. Draco Malfoy is my second favourite character due to his sassy/sarcastic attitude and complex mind set. I have a soft spot for well dressed men, along with sarcasm, so I automatically liked Draco upon his arrival in the movie. However, I never did let up my liking of his character even when he did begin to become a death eater. I found Draco to be a well made character, very complex and interesting while barely showing his true emotions. I usually end up loving side characters in movies and tv shows due to the fact that you get to piece everything together with them, instead of knowing their exact backstory and the like. Because, if I'm being honest, I usually find most characters backstories to be cliché and boring. Now, seeing as I love to delve into characters and figure things out about them just by the little bits you're shown, I'm quite positive Draco had some daddy issues, as in, Draco's father was both mentally and physically abusive, Draco didn't spend much time with his father, he didn't feel like he was good enough for his father and he was struggling with living up to his father's expectations. How did I come to such a conclusion? Well ... There are only a few scenes where Draco and Lucius Malfoy are together, but in one of those scenes Lucius straight up hits Draco in the torso while other people are watching. It's also clear that Draco is unnerved around his father since in the other scenes they're together Draco always takes a few steps away from his father, as if subconsciously. This is shown in the end as well. When Draco goes to stand with his parents he holds his mothers hand but quickly side steps away when Lucius tries to touch his shoulder. Along with being abusive towards Draco in public, Lucius also abuses Dobby, his house elf, in front of a few people as well. So ... if Lucius Malfoy is that abusive in public, how do you think it varies in private? It's quite clear from the way Draco acts and talks, that he respects and loves his father. However, the fact that Draco is always trying to insert his father into conversations is a little odd ... One of Draco's favourite lines is, "My father will hear about this!" and aside from that one he's always trying to bring up his father in conversations, such as the time he tells Harry about the bet he made with his father, or when he brags about his father. Now, I'm theorizing that this is due to the fact that Draco doesn't spend much time with his father and so he tries to play up their relationship by taunting others with it. It's a normal thing for children to play up their parents, but Draco's need to make his father sound like the most powerful wizard all the time, makes me think he's trying to make others jealous of his relationship with his father, even though he doesn't really have one. It's shown that Draco struggles with being a death eater and can't manage to kill Dumbledore when the time comes. However, Draco does try his best to do everything his dad expects of him, which causes a lot of stress on Draco and is also probably a factor in why he's always making fun of others ... He's trying to forget about his own problems. The struggle Draco has with making his father proud or doing the right thing is what made me so interested in him. I felt bad for him and I could understand ... It's not rare for people to get stressed out over not being "good enough" and Draco was just a boy ... He was stressed out and sad. I've researched it a little bit and it was said that Draco was the only real death eater who could still love, meaning he struggled with doing what his father wanted, but being just a boy, making his father proud seemed like the most important thing in the world. The fact that his dad was abusive and couldn't feel love didn't help either, because Draco probably felt he did something wrong to make his dad so cold and distant, which would fuel his desire to please him even more. So, where some people say a mean spirited bully, I saw a misunderstood boy who just wanted to please his father. I also don't see why people say they don't like Draco because he "acted like a wimp" or was "too whiney". I think it's quite obvious that a child with an abusive father, would get scared quite easily by threats of violence ... I honestly felt bad for Draco and wished somebody would at least try being nice to him, instead of getting so offended by his snide remarks. Also, Draco wasn't a villain in any way. He was mean, yes, but he never did anything evil or wicked. He couldn't bring himself to kill Dumbledore, he couldn't bring himself to turn Harry in and at the end he even wanted to leave the death eaters. I absolutely loved Draco and that he was a great complex character, with a lot of pieces to fit together and figure out. I liked the main characters as well, except for Ron ... I found him to be very whiney and unlikeable. Harry Potter was a good character, more interesting than most heroic main characters since most have no reason behind their actions ... I'm a cynical person, I think you all know that, which is why I dislike the hero characters who are only heroes because they want to be good. I don't believe there a lot, or even few, people who would risk their lives on a daily basis for people they don't know, just because they want to be helpful, or good. However, Harry Potter was interesting and a little more complex than I expected. I really like Hermione and found her very cute and feisty. The fact that she was a strong, smart female character was also great fun to watch, since most female characters are portrayed as being overly emotional and making bad decisions based on such emotions. I loved how Hermione was so smart and barely ever had emotional outbursts, she seemed realistic and down to earth and even though her character didn't have that much development I found that she didn't really need any. She was entertaining and interesting just as she was.

Open your mouth and what comes out, dear? Something no one even wanted to hear. Close your eyes and say your prayers. For you are falling, falling down the stairs. Look at your filthy mouth. Only spiders ever come out. Loosing webs upon your tongue. Soon your lungs will be undone. No one wanted to hear your stupid words, you fool. Why is it that your words are always so cruel? Shut up, oh just shut up. When will it ever be enough? Can't you just close your mouth? And keep those spider webs from coming out? Venom. Poison. Spilt on lace. Crying. Trying. Out of place. Close your eyes and bit your tongue. Everything is over done. You're so stupid you can't see ... How no one wants to hear from thee. Stupid girl, stupid girl, no one wants to hear your voice. Stupid girl, stupid girl, shut your mouth and make a choice. Choose to be silent. Choose this way. Choose to be non-violent with the words you say. Venom. Poison. Spilt on lace. Crying. Trying. Out of place. Hold your tongue and say your prayers. Your words are falling down the stairs. Hear them crash to the floor. They're not yours anymore. Control. Controlling. The words are pulling. But my tongue stays stuck. Oh, just my luck. Everything I want to say is stuck behind my teeth. But everything I wish to take back is already beneath. Beneath me. Beneath you. Beneath a lie. Beneath what's true. It's out there for you to hear. It's out there for me to fear. For I can't take it back now. You wish to forget somehow. But it's out there for you to hear. And it's out there for me to fear ... Venom. Poison. Spilt on lace. Crying. Trying. Out of place. I can't erase what I've said. Now it's in my head. Haunting me. Taunting me. This crimson venom I spat out. The killing poison found in my shout. Words ... How funny they can be. Words ... How much they haunt me. Words ... The poison in my head. Words ... Sometimes they make me wish I were dead. Words.

I'm watching the Harry Potter series for the first time and I enjoy it quite a lot.

@RudillaThanks.

It's been so long it just feels wrong, that I can't remember the way it felt when you wrapped your arms around me and I leaned into thee for protection ... But now it's an infection. This untouchable memory, of you and me. I wake up at night, cold sweat from fright and I can't remember you. But that's not new. These feelings are killing me inside and I have nowhere to hide. I just want to remember how it felt to let you hold me. To let you save me from my insanity. To trust you in my calamity. To have you hold me when I was crying. To have you praise me when I was trying. But the funny thing is, you never did. Not even when I was a kid. And I should've seen it quicker, but your lies were thicker and I couldn't push past it to see the last of your lies. You hid behind that disguise and you never held me. So I wept because of thee. And now ... As I lie awake, everything is fake and I can't even remember what a hug feels like. Somebody please, listen to my pleas and pull me from this mess of emotions, give me thy devotions and hug me ... Just hug me. I wish I knew what it felt like to hug you, but I will never know since you didn't bother to teach me so. So I will try to dry my eyes, as I fall back into all your lies. They always catch me when I fall and I listen to them all. Even though they tear me apart and break my broken heart, as I wait for someone to just ... Hug me. I can't miss how it used to be, I can't remember how you loved me. I can't reminisce on memories of the past. Nor can I say I wish to go back to the last moment you held me in your arms. Or the last moment you taught me one of your charms to fight all my childish fears away, or keep me safe until the break of day. Why? Because I only cry, that's the memory I have of you and I. How I wished to die, but was always by your side even though I had to hide. For you didn't love me, you said everyone else was above me. You treated me like an animal for to you, my love was flammable. You'd pour gasoline on my heart, pull it apart, light a match, toss it in and I begged you to let it burn out but I could never win. For you kept me down, pushing me to the ground, making me beg you to help me push through. But I had to crawl to my knees and forgot my own pleas, for begging you wrought distain. You always turned and left me in pain. So I caught myself before the finale fall. You wouldn't do it, you wouldn't save me, so I did it myself and now you hate me. I can't look back on old memories with a grin, I can't remember a time I did win. I can't remember a single kind word, for your disgust is all I ever heard ... I haven't one good memory I can remember. Not a fire nor an ember. For my light was dashed out when you cast me down, and I can only remember your frown ... Your frown of disgust and revulsion, mixed with my inward compulsion, to do my best. I'd try to pass your test, even though I had neither the questions nor the answers. I was instead full of infections and cancers, clawing at my brain, driving me insane and that is all I can remember of my past ... For those are the memories that last. I can't look back on my childhood, without remembering that I was no good. I was no good for you. You said that was true. You acted like I were nothing but a peasant and I can't help but resent the memories that latch unto my brain, for I can't escape the pain. I can't escape these memories that haunt me and taunt me, for this is all I know ... Yet, I can't let go. Please, somebody, just hug me.

I've been writing poems since I was a child and I know this one isn't very good but it's one of my older ones. I recently found a file on my laptop with all my old poems on it and I thought I'd post a few on here even though they're not all that good.

Half god and half devil, however do you split that? The war, the battle, however do you fix that? The fight, the cage, which one do I surrender? It's become impossible to decide and there is no one in which I can confide. Living in calamity, watching illusions envelope me, the feeling of falling into insanity where no one will ever catch me ... I fell right in front of you, and you just let me go, I asked you to embrace me and you just said no. Do you know how much it hurts to let go of the one thing that could ever save you? Do you know how much it hurts to be the one who could never embrace you? The pain in my heart, in my head, in my lungs ... The pain in my mind, in my dreams, on my tongue ... The pain of illusions, of lies, and deceit ... The pain of my youth, of my life, of mine own heart beat ... I begged you for a chance. For a chance to prove my worth. But instead you turned away and cast me to the earth. Every moment, every second, every memory ... The lies, the pain, the blood red rain that boils inside of me ... It's all for you, it's all for you! Can't you see, it was all for you? Every time you shut me out, every time you turned away, my heart still cried and yearned for you, every single day. Did you not see the tears I cried, nor hear my screams of pain? Did you not realize, I tried everything in vain? I did my best, I played the part, I worked to be enough But you still turned away. And every single day, I realized, with tears in my eyes ... That I could never be good enough. For no matter what I did, no matter how I tried, you still couldn't see past the fact, that everything about me was not as simplified ... as you. For I am half god half devil, half heir half enemy and you could never see past the other half of me. For even though I did my best, and passed the test, and did enough to earn your blessing, you just couldn't give it to me, could you? Now I see, no matter what I do, you will never love me. For I am half god and half devil, half prince and half beast, half love and half anger, and you can't love me ... For a monster such as I, could never change, not in thine eye ... For I am nothing but a monster that you keep locked away, and even though I wish to prove to you, every single day, that I can be better, I can be more ... You can never see past that other half of me, now can you?

That sounds exactly like something I would say. I adore the character and always back him up, since I don't view him as a villain either.

@SleepyLeoulf wait ... you love Loki too?

Here are a few live action ones I really enjoy.

@SleepyLeoulf you sound like you're doing pretty good, keeping at it and working to become better in those areas. That's great and I wish you the best of luck. I also like knowing that there's another British accent enthusiast here.

1. I have control issues and struggle with being patient most of the time ... the fact that I'm a perfectionist and expect everyone to do everything as fast as me doesn't help either since I get easily frustrated when something is done slowly or inaccurately. 2. Aside from getting frustrated with others, I get extremely frustrated with myself and tend to be very self hating when I don't do something perfectly. I think that's why I never finish any of my writing projects ... 3. I actually enjoyed math when I was in school up until the workbooks were full of different ways to do everything that didn't make any sense ... that's another problem I have. I like to get straight to the point and do everything as logical and as quick as possible. "Work smarter not harder" is what my Dad always said, so when I'm given something that's more complicated than it needs to be, I have an innate need to de-complicate it and just use the basics. 4. I have a habit of wanting everything all at once, which usually ends horribly. For instance, I want to hone to writing skills while working on my health, getting enough sleep, reading the book series I'm in the middle of, working on my musical hobbies and watching all my favorite shows. All at the same time. The problem is I will get so overly frustrated with myself when I can't do everything all at once that I end up hating myself ... but I always just expect so much from myself. 5. I adore British accents.

One of the best Death Note AMVs I've found.

Search "Levi x Hanji cute" and you get a bunch of these cute things.

I ship Levi x Hanji from Attack On Titan. It's pretty unpopular due to all the ... Levi x Eren shippers. *Shivers*

I love AMV's. I've actually been trying to figure out how to make some of my own, although I haven't quite figured it out yet ... Here's one of my lil' baby Armin.

I can relate to Light in quite a few ways. (No, I don't wish to sound like a psychopath either but, eh, whatever.) For starters, I myself have had many of the same thoughts Light expressed through out the show, for instance, his view on people. I am overtly and innately cynical, it's just the way I am. So I could relate to his view on humans. I myself kind of dislike people, I mean, I wouldn't say I out right hate them or anything like that, I just find them to be perpetually stupid and wicked. The human race is quite sick, honestly. I've always thought that and I do not see a time, anywhere in the future, where I would think otherwise. I also agree with his deep belief that he should do whatever it took to bring about this change, since I have always felt that it is better to do everything you can to stand up for your beliefs, rather than bow down and accept someone else's just because yours is not fully accepted. I can also relate to his eversion to people and "friends" since I myself am extremely introverted and anti-social. I personally don't see any need for friends or even acquaintances since people just bore and irritate me. However, watching people is something I do enjoy ... They can be quite interesting when they're not actually talking to me. So I can see why he would be one of your role models ... He does stand up for what he believes in and he does everything he can to bring it about. I myself find his ability to twist peoples minds and toy with them as he pleases to be quite amazing though.

I have never really had a favourite book due to being such a huge book worm and reading so many things ... However, I recently started reading a new series and it's definitely my favourite as of yet. I honestly don't think anything could surpass Flowers In The Attic by V.C. Andrews though since it's such a masterpiece. It's a very twisted and "disturbing" series with quite a few odd topics discussed, but oh, it's so beautiful. The characters are complex. The writing is gorgeous. The story is captivating and very descriptive so as to make you feel like you are there with the characters. Everything is just so perfectly done.